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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start a thread on here to stop me shouting at dh?

52 replies

Fuminglily · 22/09/2018 20:12

I'm really hormonal. I had a massive row with dd18 earlier and she called me mental, said I had mental health issues. Dh just sat and listened. This was a few hours ago, dd has gone to work in the pub and dh, dd14 and me are sitting in the sitting room watching Harry Potter. I'm still so angry Sad dh says I over reacted and doesn't have a problem with dd saying I'm mental.

I really want to have it out with him but I know it will just make things worse and upset dd14 so I am starting this thread to busy myself and take my mind off it.

I'm really worked up over it and feel like crying so hoping this will take my mind off it and calm me down.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 23/09/2018 08:10

Don’t sort her kit - go and have a coffee and relax. This is not your responsibility and you’re not doing your daughter any favours by sorting it out for her.

Bananamanfan · 23/09/2018 08:12

Just very quietly don't do anything to prepare for her from now on.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 23/09/2018 08:14

Indeed, why are you up and sorting?? DD is 18, has a job, calls you names; surely she can organise her kit. I'd be heading out for a latte and pastry pronto and keaving her and DH to it :)

Awrite · 23/09/2018 08:18

Well hell mend you then.

Your adult child abuses you and you get up early and sort her stuff out.

Your dh agrees with her with his silence and presumably you will sort his too.

You should be sorting neither. You are not a servant.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/09/2018 08:19

Don't get involved in whether her gear is ready or not. Step back. She is 18. If she panics this morning or any morning about it just say ..lm sure you will manage it. And mean that.
Being a victim ..getting mad..but still doing it is not good for you or her. Try to step back consciously handing responsibility over to her . Not in revenge for her comments but in the realisation that its her job. That will improve the realionship with her.
If she is busy with school/ job maybe say if you need a hand give me a shout but otherwise bite your tongue. It will be tricky at first but a huge turn around for you both.

diamondofdoom · 23/09/2018 08:25

Could it be that he had quiet words with her on her own?

Also, I don't get why you're running about after your DD. She's 18 for god sake, she knows she can play you like a fiddle - hence the name calling. She knows there's no consequence from either of her parents.

What did you say to her after she called you mental?

What did you say to her for her to call you mental?

MajesticWhine · 23/09/2018 08:32

OP I feel for you Thanks. Teenagers are a nightmare and they seem to be brilliant at winning arguments. Best way to deal with in my view is not to take it too personally.
She should be taking responsibility for her own hobby arrangements though. Just don't do it next time.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 23/09/2018 08:36

Why the fuck are you up sorting out an 18yo stuff for her hobby?! Fuck it! She's going to be a disrespectful little cow let her sort her own stuff out and miss out if she can't get her act together!

If this is a pattern then I can see why she feels perfectly entitled to be so awful to you. It doesn't matter what she says or does, you'll still run around after her. Is it possible that this is rooted in some sort of childhood trauma, like you're taking too much care of her because your mum didn't do it for you? Making her sort her own stuff out isn't neglectful. It's healthy. Go out on your own or with the younger daughter. Get some space.

AlmaGeddon · 23/09/2018 08:39

I think that you can see the importance in maintaining this expensive sport and they don't care so maybe have a chat with DD that you feel she will gain king term from doing this in your view, but if she wants to give it up she can and that's up to her, you will leave it to her.
Or put up with this as you want her to keep it up.

araiwa · 23/09/2018 08:51

A mother and daughter have an argument, yet its still the mans fault somehow

If hed stepped in, people would still be attacking him for some other reason - hes undermining you, he doesnt respect you etc

Its a joke

Original poster
Fuminglily · 23/09/2018 09:00

No, dh is involved in helping to get this stuff ready. It's riding, there's an animal involved so it can't not be done.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 23/09/2018 09:13

Why are you getting her stuff ready?
Warn her you won’t do it again and follow through.
If the animal is her responsibility give her three strikes and follow through.
Sell the animal if you have to.
How many chances will you actually give her?
And DH might be helping but where is she?

Original poster
Fuminglily · 23/09/2018 09:19

I'm not going to sell him, he's going to go to dd3 eventually.

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 23/09/2018 09:39

The thing is, you're teaching your 18 year old it's ok to be nasty and then suffer no consequences. She is an adult! If any other adult spoke like that to you last night you wouldn't be up doing stuff for them today! Can't you see that micromanaging her as if she's still a child is leaving her entitled and unpleasant?
I have had two of my children go through late-teen years; if either had spoken so disrespectfully they would have been told very seriously that such behaviour would result in them not being welcome to live in MY home if they did it again. They are well adjuste

TeacupTattoo · 23/09/2018 09:41

Well adjusted adults now and we have mutually respectful relationships. Don't be a doormat to your DH or children.

timeisnotaline · 23/09/2018 09:52

She’s 18!! Fine you have to feed and care for an animal but you don’t have to prep them for an event. If she doesn’t prep she doesn’t go. Is your dh going just to take her or does he go anyway? He might be sitting there thinking for God’s sake leave if, she’s 18, I don’t want to take her if she’s not jnterestdf enough I’m going to set it up.. and if he does want to go then leave him to it. Say you’re tired of being shouted at and assume they’d rather do it themselves.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/09/2018 09:56

Dds hobby costs a lot of money. I did overreact but I think I could see that neither of then m were intending to do anything to help prepare - hence why Im up this morning getting everything sorted hmm

Sod that. She's 18 - let her get her own shit sorted. AND pay for her own hobbies.

You're too nice, OP. And niceness is often not appreciated by one's nearest and dearest.

iloveruby · 23/09/2018 10:04

Ok, I understand that you have to actually care for the horse but you don’t need to sort your daughters stuff out / take her out for that to happen. You need to draw a line and let her take responsibility for herself - give her the opportunity to step up.

Lyinglow50 · 23/09/2018 10:10

Fuming I'm sorry that your mum was so awful. You sound like a caring mum.

Teenagers/young adults can be effing awful. It's not just your DD. My two could be vile. They are lovely now (that they are gone). It's hard to imagine but she will leave home at some stage. You will eventually be alone with your DH.

I think he should have stuck up for you. Maybe he thought things could escalate if he stuck his oar in. It probably would have escalated.

These things happen in every family. Try to put it behind you and get on and enjoy your day. Go out tomorrow and treat yourself Flowers

MrsMozart · 23/09/2018 10:14

I have horses. I have DDs who used to compete. I understand about entry money and horse value (if you're in that league). But there's no way I'd be taking DD today. I'd be looking for another rider going forwards.

Original poster
Fuminglily · 23/09/2018 10:18

Thank you all. mrsmozart dd18 will be off to uni next Sept and then dd12 will have the horse. She's a really good rider and polite and helpful (so far Hmm). I'm keeping him.going for a year. Hopefully at least dd18 will have a good day today for the horses sake if not hers

OP posts:
ThanksHunkyJesus · 23/09/2018 10:20

I knew it was going to be riding. Some of the young girls at the stables I ride at are so ridiculously entitled and speak to their parents like shit. They've got a level of privilege that millions of kids (and adults) can only dream of yet they're so ungrateful. Look after the horses, yes. But I'd be damned if i was running around getting ready for an event and she wasn't doing the bulk of it. What sort of adult have you raised if she's happy to call you mental and upset you SO much and then let you do everything for her? And she sees no problem with this. Where is your line in the sand? Are your other children so rude and lazy?

Original poster
Fuminglily · 23/09/2018 10:24

No my other two are generally lovely. And tbh so was dd18 until she got to 17 then became much lazier and yes entitled

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 23/09/2018 10:29

I get the gist Fuming.

Dependent on the family dynamics and the probability (if any) of such an action causing DD18 to go off the rails, I'd be seriously considering moving the ride from DD18 to DD12.

A conversation with DD18 around how it's unacceptable for her to be so rude and to not shift her arse when needed, but if she'd rather be that way then so be it and you'll put the horse and the efforts into DD12 instead. The door will always be open, etc.

nomilknosugarplease · 23/09/2018 11:00

OP would your DD have eventually sorted her stuff out herself, albeit last minute, if you’d just left her to it? When I was a similar age I had huge rows with my DM as she’d shout and shout about how I needed to get things ready and how I always relied on her to prepare things when really if she had just left it I would’ve done it myself. I just didn’t see the point in getting it done in advance like she wanted. Of course it doesn’t excuse the horrible behaviour at all, but perhaps shows her train of thought? Flowers Next time don’t even mention it, put your feet up, leave her to it and eat some cake - if she ends up doing it herself then fab and if not it’s her own fault.

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