Would really like to know AIBU?

[PonyPals]

Will try not to make this into a super long story!
DH and I have been together since we were 18. Two years into our relationship DHs nephew was born and we have been a part of his life since then (visited when he was born, bdays, Xmas and watching him play games/sport).
When DN was 16 our DS was born and his sister and partner have completely ignored DS. Did not come to the hospital for a visit (apparently DN had training for sport) did not come to 1st or 2nd birthday party as DN had sport on. In total, in almost 3 years they have seen DS twice. DN has only seen him once (sister said he is a teenager and doesn't have time to see his cousin - fair enough).
I was really hurt when they didn't show up for his last bday and said to DH that I will no longer be going to DNs sport games as they don't seem to support us.
So to my AIBU... DH just announced that DN is having a game this weekend (2.5 hours away) and he would like us to go and support him.
DS has his own sport activity at the same time and I have told DH that I will be taking DS to his own sport as I will no longer put DN and SIL ahead of our own son.
DH thinks I am being unreasonable and petty and that I should just not hold grudges and DS can miss his sport.
The thing is... why should he? Why is it always us who have to compromise??
I have told DH that he is more than welcome to go and support on his own, so off he went.
I really would like to know if I am in fact being unreasonable and petty???
Should I just suck it up??
Would love to hear all your opinions.

I guess it would depend on what the two events are

But generally yanbu

Doesn’t sound like you’re BU to me. Depends really if you’re doing it as a ‘fuck you’ or just making the choice that’s best for your little one. For the long term, could you talk to SIL about how you feel? I can understand 16yr old boy not being that interested but I see why her lack of interest is sad for you and hurtful.

Can’t your dh go and support his nephew while you take your ds to his sport?

To be honest I don’t know any 16yo boy who would want to visit a new born baby in a hospital if not a direct sibling, and even then, maybe not.
But YAnbu if you have other commitments, no need to watch dn’s game. It sounds like your dh goes because he really enjoys the day rather than just to support dn.

DN is 19 now and I honestly don't mind if he doesn't visit as I understand a 3 year old cousin is boring. This is more about SIL and her partner not seeing DS even though for the last 19 years we have always seen DN. I just don't care anymore and if they can't find the time to see DS why should I.
DH is a people pleaser and has a weird relationship with his whole family (they constantly put him down yet he just ignores it... good for him I guess.)
DH went to the game and sent me 20 pictures so I didn't feel i missed out

Unless DN is competing at an international level I really think your own son should take priority!

Why on earth would you spend many hours driving to and from sports activities and standing on the sidelines to watch someone from a distance?

You build relationships by talking and playing with kids, chatting with their parents, sharing meals, helping with tasks, hanging out in the evenings, etc, NOT by watching people from a distance, and not even from going to a birthday party where there are loads of people and activities.

Go and spend time with these people if you love them, and yes your nephew would want to see his little cousin if he felt close to all of you.

I’d feel like you, and wouldn’t go either.

YANBU why should DS miss his sport to go 2.5 hours away and watch another child do sport? I wouldn't hold a grudge against DN - he's 16 and probably taking his cues from his parents but you have a young child now and your priorities have changed.

I wouldn't go and I would stop making an effort with SIL and her family.

If your son is 3 I can't imagine a sports event that would matter one bit to miss, however I wouldn't keep making an efffort with people who clearly don't give a fucjk, frankly.

At 3 surely you can take your ds and your dh can go and support his nephew?

You seem to be expecting massive amounts of interest from a 16-19 year old to be honest. I wouldn’t expect them to want to come to a babies birthday party!

Your own comes first. And second. And third. You're doing the right thing.

I dont think some people have read the thread properly. Yadnbu!

When you go to support/watch DN compete and do his sport do you bring DS with you? Do the family see him then? If so Maybe they think this is enough. But if they don't see him on these occasions the you are definitely not BU.

YANBU.

I can understand that a 19 year old feels the world revolves around them. However SIL is being very unfair.

They may not have even stopped to look at this from your point of view because they are so busy with their own lives. That's no excuse, I'm just saying this may not be personal.

As DN is 19 maybe this will all tail off naturally as he grows up, and spends less time with his family and playing sport?

Yanbu. SIL is one of life's takers.

It must hurt after giving so much attention to her child that she shows no interest in yours. Your DH needs to reassess his priorities.

YANBU. My DS has happily come along to nieces' and nephew's birthday parties with us in the past. Right through his teens. These are family occasions that we all enjoy.

YANBU at all!

I don't really blame SIL and nephew as I don't have a very close relationship with my own brother, so their level of involvement in your DS sounds much more normal to me than yours in your nephew.

As your nephew is 19, maybe this will stop naturally soon? I can't imagine many 20 year olds expecting extended family members traipsing around the country to watch them play a sport (unless he really is international standard!).

Carry on putting your DS first, OP. Your DH may take a little longer to adapt.

I'm not sure I'd travel 2.5 hours to watch my own child's sporting fixtures. So YANBU.

Put your own dc first. Your dh is an idiot.

On this occasion YADNBU and you should take your DS to his sport while your DH goes to his DN’s. But more generally I think it’s a shame if you stop being in your DN’s life to punish his parents. I would also be hurt by their lack of interest in your DS, but it’s not really the fault of or anything to do with your DN.

Sounds like your DH is being very unreasonable.
Absolutely put your DS first.

What is the sport? Does it last longer than the round trip to get there?

I honestly don't think many people would be making that trip to support a nephew, your DH is the weird one imo. What support is needed, more than just watching him do the sport?

Your dh is a twat.