Would really like to know AIBU?

[PonyPals]

Will try not to make this into a super long story!
DH and I have been together since we were 18. Two years into our relationship DHs nephew was born and we have been a part of his life since then (visited when he was born, bdays, Xmas and watching him play games/sport).
When DN was 16 our DS was born and his sister and partner have completely ignored DS. Did not come to the hospital for a visit (apparently DN had training for sport) did not come to 1st or 2nd birthday party as DN had sport on. In total, in almost 3 years they have seen DS twice. DN has only seen him once (sister said he is a teenager and doesn't have time to see his cousin - fair enough).
I was really hurt when they didn't show up for his last bday and said to DH that I will no longer be going to DNs sport games as they don't seem to support us.
So to my AIBU... DH just announced that DN is having a game this weekend (2.5 hours away) and he would like us to go and support him.
DS has his own sport activity at the same time and I have told DH that I will be taking DS to his own sport as I will no longer put DN and SIL ahead of our own son.
DH thinks I am being unreasonable and petty and that I should just not hold grudges and DS can miss his sport.
The thing is... why should he? Why is it always us who have to compromise??
I have told DH that he is more than welcome to go and support on his own, so off he went.
I really would like to know if I am in fact being unreasonable and petty???
Should I just suck it up??
Would love to hear all your opinions.

You've got something booked, It's just a "can't do that" there's not a conversation needed.

But Twotailed, why should nephew get his uncle to watch him at the expense of DS having his Dad to watch him? It's not really about punishing DN in my opinion. More that OP and her DH can't devote as much time to him now they have a child of their own. Not through malice but just because there aren't enough hours in the day to do both.

They are not reciprocating the level of interest which is sad for you as you were expecting that to happen. That was your first mistake, assumption and expectation, not unreasonable but personally I would not travel for hours to watch DN play sport but each to their own.

Going forward as it's the adults you are hurt by and not the child I would suggest your OH goes and enjoys himself ( as long as he prioritises his own son when necessary ) and you can please yourself

I would not mention this to the in laws as they have clearly let you know they can't be arsed with your son, why pressure them into a visit they are not keen on ? I'd also get your OH to work on his self worth and not allow his family to put him down as I'm sure you don't want your son to experience that at family get togethers?

From first post at 5:10am until second post at 5:39am - your DH suddenly went to the game and took photos for you? 🧐

OP your DH family sound exactly like my DHs. We’ve gone to dance displays, birthdays, all manner of competitions and things to support our nieces and nephews and rarely get the same back.

I don’t massively blame them for this- it is what it is, my nieces and nephews know we cared (my children know they don’t which is a shame!)

But what I do resent is DH desperate need to please his family and put them first at all times. He’s honestly a different person around them. Everything has to be perfect and we have to put them first. It’s really frustrating when they give so little in return

If you've seen so much of your DN, how come he's only seen your DS once? Or have you lost contact over the last few years.

I think it might have been nice to get your DN and DS together.

Did I understand correctly that your DS is nearly 3yo? And he has his own sport activity to attend?

Yanbu but you seem close to your dn. It swems a shame to break that bond because his parents havent reciprocated with your ds. I get your frustrations at sil though.

With regards to dh and sport i guess it depends what it is. If family are still goimg to watch dn at 19 i would imagine he is doing well at whatever it is he is doing and is likely in some sort of league or something so there's competition. My dp would definitely be much more invested in that than say one of our toddlers doing gymnastics or swimming at a non competitive level.

Thank you for your opinions. I guess at the end of the day I will just leave DH to sort it all out with his family. They have always been selfish.

@glintandglide that is exactly our situation here!

I am in Australia that's why there is a time difference.
Thanks all!

That's a bit weird to prioritise DN over DS.

I wouldn't be making such an effort, and would certainly prioritise DS. But at the same time, don't write DN off. Keep things amicable.

Why do they put your DH down? I personally would start standing up for him and calling them on it.

I think if your dh enjoys the same sport as dn its fine to go off watching him. Its more fun watching any game if you have a personal interest. And whoever said its not a bonding thing doesn't understand sports people and how they bond over that common interest.
I think you need to accept that ye made that decision about dn over the years and it was a lovely thing to do supporting him. Sil hasn't the same heart so let her off. Doing the right thing yourself is great. I have a ton of nieces/ nephews. When the older ones were born l gave lots of presents. As mine came alone some gave some didn't . I don't care. I am only interested in what l want to do.
Maybe its your dhs way of showing love going to the match. Great. His decision and you should expect nothing in return as you know its not going to happen.
As your own ds grows hopefully dh will go to all his matches but l would give up on the others now as not that sort of people. Expecting it only leads to disappointment aas its not going to happen.
I have rarely gone to a dns match but do follow their achievements. Going to a match would be torture for me but for your dh its probably easy enough as he enjoys it himself.
Accepting stuff is the way it is saves a lot of energy and heartache.

Actually, one last thing, and I speak from bitter experience. We all grow up in our 'roles' in the family. His family don't respect him, put him down, and so he's taken on the role of trying to please to gain that respect. He needs to rewrite that role. Take a step back, not be so willing, such a doormat. For his own self respect.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. Most people don't watch the sporting events of their nieces and nephews, especially if they are 2.5 hours away.

Definitely not but. They photos would have driven me insane, I would have text back

"You're clearly not very bright, you have spent the day travelling to people who treat you badly and don't care about your son, you prioritised your nephew over your son and are missing your own sons event. I am not the missing out dear you are. So save your photos and I'll save mine, because if your going to miss out on your son, I am not going to be sending any photos to make you feel better"

Grouchy does have a point, wherever you are in the world your timeline doesn't make sense, or were the photos from a previous match?