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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a tiny bit ungrateful?

56 replies

LadyDeeDeeDee · 22/09/2018 04:41

I had a kitchen appliance. A small one, bought with vouchers we got as a wedding gift. It broke. I kept meaning to get a new one (£20 or so it'd probably cost) but never got round to it. Mentioned it again this evening to DH and how I might look for one on my day off this week. He said maybe I shouldn't as people had been asking what I might like for my birthday in a few weeks time, and that was one of the things he'd mentioned to them.

For context, we're not short of money and could very easily afford a new one without really thinking about it. And it's my 40th. AIBU to not want a gift that's a replacement for a kitchen appliance we bought jointly? He seemed very put out that I didn't seem pleased. I wouldn't have minded if it was something a bit more frivolous for the kitchen as I like cooking, but it's something very dull. His family are also very big on knowing exactly what people want for their birthday. I could have given him some ideas of books, perfume, fancy shower gel, all sorts of ideas. And believe me, none of his recent birthday present requests have been practical.

OP posts:
Whatsnewwithyou · 22/09/2018 06:55

I don't get it but then I love practical presents. Maybe you'll get a nicer one than you'd get yourself (there are some fancy stick blenders out there)!? Why not just buy yourself the hand cream with the £20 you'll save? I mean, if it were your DP getting you the hand blender I'd be annoyed too but the random relative - who cares?

I mean, obviously you do care but I would suggest your feelings are more about the "bigger picture of what you want your 40s to be like. That is definitely worth exploring and discussing with your DP! The blender not so much...

chatwoo · 22/09/2018 06:58

Buy one the next time you're in the supermarket / Argos / wherever. Then he will need to tell everyone that it's off the 'wish' list.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 22/09/2018 07:03

On the fence . I think you're perhaps making this into a bigger deal than it is, but I also get it's the nature of your dh's suggestion - the idea that something mundane you need (and I love my hand blender, have only just replaced one I had for 18 years and loved it too, very useful for soup, hummus etc - but it's still terribly mundane and practical) should be a gift specifically for you. It's dismissive and it does make a statement about your role in the eyes of the giver/person who suggests it. I have known people ILs who genuinely want stuff like that, but they tend to have an odd attitude to gifts in general and really do give one another practically needed things.

WerewolfNumber1 · 22/09/2018 07:03

I normally like practical gifts, but in the last couple of years (coming out from the pregnancy and babies phase) I’ve definitely wanted things that are more personal, or luxurious, or more about looking after myself a bit. So I understand where you’re coming from.

Sounds like you’ve told DH how you feel, so hopefully he will correct his mistake. I wouldn’t get too annoyed about it though - in general I think it can be hard for men to understand how a woman’s body and self-identity are so trashed by pregnancy etc, they don’t always get that you want to feel like yourself again.

TwoOddSocks · 22/09/2018 07:05

YANBU, it sounds bit thoughtless and more something he'd like replaced than something he thought you'd really like as a present.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 22/09/2018 07:07

Buy it this weekend so it’s no longer an optio.

Juells · 22/09/2018 07:11

FFS LTB Grin

I've already sent moaning tweets to my train company and the daily mail.

Best thing to do when not able to sleep.

AgentProvocateur · 22/09/2018 07:16

If you can afford one, and you’ve not bought one, and you’ve been mentioning it to your DH, he probably thinks you’re dropping birthday hints.

I can’t imagine my DH discussing a hand blender with me (nor me with him). If you need it just buy it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2018 07:18

If my dh bought me a hand blender, I would blend his pubes Wink. YANBU. And as Juells said LTB. Grin

EdisonLightBulb · 22/09/2018 07:21

Didn't you just say to him "WTAF? I don't want a hand blender for my birthday, would you want a box of light Bulbs?"

Job done.

Juells · 22/09/2018 07:23

would you want a box of light Bulbs?

haha brilliant

Camomila · 22/09/2018 07:27

I've asked DH for a stand mixer for Christmas Grin

Tbh, while I wouldn't want DH to get me an appliance for my birthday I wouldn't mind if someone else did. I'd only buy standard appliences for myself but would get fancy ones if I was giving them as gifts.

GirlFliesHome · 22/09/2018 07:30

I'm with you OP.

And I don't know what sort of moaning e-mail you sent to the Train Company is about.... but I'm probably with you on that too.

Happy Birthday. :)

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 22/09/2018 07:34

Yanbu. We needed similar close to christmas, people said 'shall i get you one as you present and what should i get dh?' I told them that that was a joint gift and we would be happy to get it. It too was sexist and these small sexist things can add up

dudsville · 22/09/2018 07:35

Of course you don't want a replacement kitchen appliance for your birthday, but when he made that statement would have been the time to say, "don't be silly and don't get any other ideas in that arena!".

longwayoff · 22/09/2018 07:38

Buy him a lovely pink negligee for his birthday.

longwayoff · 22/09/2018 07:42

Let him off with a stern talking to OP. Most men love machinery and gadgets so he may not fully understand just how insulting women find household gifts. But he will when you've explainedWink

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 22/09/2018 07:49

Tell him you're really looking forward to your new Kitchen Aid mixer.

Aria2015 · 22/09/2018 07:54

I'd have just light heartedly said 'I hope people want to get me gifts a bit more personal than a household appliance for my 40th birthday!' And laugh! Imo anything that the whole household benefits from isn't a gift, it's just a household item!

prettywhiteguitar · 22/09/2018 07:56

Oh god this is familiar, although from pil. I got a hand blender for my fortieth, I don’t even cook ! We live in a workplace where food is part of the deal !

Years ago when we were skint it used to really upset me as I don’t have any family on my side and so presents from them I would look forward to, I got the cheapest food processor that broke on first use for my 35.

I just buy myself stuff now ! Do is a good present giver, so I just ask for vouchers off the in laws now.

eddielizzard · 22/09/2018 08:06

It's fine. You give him your list of exactly what you'd like and tell him if you even get a sniff of a hand blender anywhere near your birthday you'll wax his balls in the middle of the night.

RichPetunia · 22/09/2018 08:17

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I received a beautifully wrapped gift a few years ago and was pretty excited unwrapping it... to find a kettle. A bloody kettle. Stick to your guns - birthday gifts should be for you, not the house.

ShadowHuntress · 22/09/2018 08:20

I’ll never forget my mums 40th when my dad decided to take me shopping to help him find her a present. I thought it would be perfume or makeup or the like. Nope. He chose a 3 piece non stick pan set. I tried to talk him out of it but he insisted mum had said she needed new pans. Honestly, when he gave them to her I thought she was going to hit him on the head with it! My mum said that he’d asked her to make his favourite curry the week before and she’d said, oh the big pans handle came off so I’ll have to get a new one before I can make that curry again. Hence the pan set 😅

CatkinToadflax · 22/09/2018 08:21

About 30 years ago my lovely DM asked her MIL (my GM) for a new washing basket for her birthday. DM is so frugal that she never ever buys anything unless it’s entirely urgent. GM loved to spoil us and refused to buy DM the washing basket “as that’s practical, dear, not a suitable present”. I’m sure DM must have been given something lovely instead but several decades later I think she’s still hoping for the new washing basket! Grin

No OP YANBU. And anyone who sends whingey tweets to the Daily Mail is in every way entirely reasonable!

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/09/2018 08:22

Buy yourself the replacement. Tell DH. Leave it to him to update everyone.