To wait until the new year to commit

[amiweong]

NC.

Basically DP and I are in the position to put down a deposit on our first home. We've been looking at houses, etc. But no success so far.

This is where my AIBU comes in.

We have discussed on numerous occasions marriage. He knew my thoughts on marriage, how important it was to me, etc. He told me when we first got together that he wanted marriage too.

Several years down the line, nothing has happened. We had a long discussion about it recently (a few months ago) and basically the outcome was that he'd propose before the end of the year.

So would I be unreasonable to put off our house hunt until he makes good on his word? And wait until the new year before committing to a house?

What do you want to do?

@IndieTara ideally I'd like to carry on our house search because I trust that he will make good on his word but also there's a big part of me that doesn't have that trust

I don't understand why you need to wait for him to propose. He knows you want to get married, so it's obvious you'd say yes if asked. It looks like a delaying tactic to me. Personally I would hold off from any moves towards buying a house together and see what his next move is regarding marraige. He knows it's a dealbreaker for you.
Do you still want to commit to buying a house with him if he doesn't propose?

Just get married first if it s important to you.(You can do a wedding later)
A proposal isn't a guarantee.

And if he doesn’t propose?
If he does but then makes no move to actually plan the wedding?
If he asks why you’re suddenly not up for house hunting?
Have a grown up discussion about what you both see as priorities.

Whether or not (and when) you get married is not his decision alone. It should be a joint decision.

My husband and I discussed when to get formally engaged, set a date together, announced to our families together. We're a partnership. Have a conversation like the adult equals you are.

@Wolfiefan Yeah, I know.

Having another discussion about marriage is not really an option. It was discussed in length several months ago (not for the first time) and I suppose his final word on the matter was that he would propose before the end of the year.

If I bring it up again, I'll more than likely get accused of hounding him, putting pressure on him, etc.

@Bellaposy Yeah, I wish that was the case for us

But why does he want to wait? What difference does about three months make? Or is he just stalling? Doesn’t want to get married and thinks of you have bought a house together you’ll be stuck with him?
TBH if you can’t discuss stuff like this then I would suggest buying a house and marriage is the wrong next step.

I wouldn't do a damn thing until he mentioned marriage. And if he didn't mention it before the end of the year, I'd go looking for houses with my share of the deposit. Bloody hell, he's got you worrying - he needs to be taught a lesson!

I don’t think he wants to marry you. It sounds like he is stalling and he is buying time (until the end of the year) to say he isn’t sure. Or he might propose and have a long engagement, and then break it off, and say that this was your fault for pressuring him.

Would you still want to buy the house with him if your life together would never involve marriage? Why doesn’t he want to get married? What would he say if you proposed?

You can’t marry or move in with a man who won’t/can’t discuss your future without getting snarky about you ‘putting pressure on him’.

Committing to a future together is something that, in an equal relationship, should be something you both decide on. This ‘romantic’ notion that the woman has to sit and wait so as not to scare off her man is just daft.

My DP and I have discussed getting married, the obstacles, practicalities etc (we both have DCs from previous relationships).

The other day when talking about doing some work on my house I said “shall we keep back a few grand to get married?” He said yes, good idea and then he joked “thanks for proposing to me!”

As far as I’m concerned, it’s as much my choice as his when we get married. If I couldn’t even talk to him about it I wouldn’t consider doing it.

I think you need to be up front about it when he starts talking about house buying again. If it’s ok for him to talk about you making a huge financial commitment, then why can’t you discuss another big commitment?

And if having kids is on the card you absolutely need to be on the same page. So many women on here who end up moving in, having babies and still waiting for the proposal because “he’s traditional”. Not so traditional that he waits to move in and have kids with a woman he isn’t married to.

If you can't have an adult conversation with him, about when you will get married, then I don't think it would be wise to commit to buying a house with him. That is an expensive and fraught thing to get out of if it doesn't go to plan, and I can't see it going to plan, f you can't have a free and open discussion about your plans for the next year or two or five.

What is the point of a proposal? If you both want to get married, just skip the proposal and the engagement and set a date for earlyish in the New Year, if not sooner. Don't be persuaded into a long engagement.

If he won't set a date, it sounds as if he's just been stringing you along with talk of marriage, and you should definitely reconsider the house purchase. Not just because he doesn't want to get married, but because he hasn't been honest with you.

My dp guaranteed me at the start of 2017 we would be engaged by the end of the year.
Still no proposal as of yet
He said it too keep me.
For now I am happy with the situation though as it has moved in my list of prioritys.
I would defiantly wait until there is that commitment before buying the house. And don't settle if you priorities doesn't change.

If someone wants to marry you, they propose, then you discuss when, where and how. Then you do it.

Any nonsense about “I’ll propose when...” is just keeping you hanging on (until they find a better option).

Why does he get final word on something that effects your life as much as it effects his? Because he's a man? I'd leave him for this alone. Tell him to have a conversation like an adult or get to fuck.

I'm second I g what PP's have said. You should be able to talk about this with him ideally. Although in real life I get that it's not always that simple.

DH didn't really see the point of marriage, I was clear that I wouldn't buy a house or have a child until we were married. So when it got to the point we knew we wanted to do both, we got married, (took nearly six years) and funnily enough it's been much more meaningful for him.

For me, our relationship is the same but with extra legal protection; for him, there's something extra about being husband and wife he wasn't expecting but really likes.

My feeling is always, if one person wants marriage and the other does the whole 'it's just a piece of paper/why rush/etc etc' thing then it really suggests either they're not ready, which is fine once they're clear but does show they're not really committed yet, or that they have other concerns about the legal side - e.g. Want to protect assets, not actually share things equally. DH wasn't sure he wanted children at first so we needed to sort that out, but ultimately his view was 'it's just a bit of paper, but you want it, so sure.'

I was fairly matter of fact about it- concerns about inheritance, etc etc- and fairly clear from the start I wouldn't move on the House/kids thing without it so I think taking a similar stance really shouldn't be construed as nagging. 'Oh you want to view that house on Saturday? But I thought I was clear I won't buy a house till we're married? Let's do this fun activity instead?' If the agreement was the end of the year it's possible he has some kind of plan. It's equally possible he's just stalling. So give yourself some space and think through your options and what you want to happen in all eventualities, including what you'll do in January if you're in the same position.

Hi OP

I think you answered your own question. Have another talk, advise you’d like the commitment of marriage before committing to mortgage together. As others have written, you can have registry wedding, then at a later date a big party and/or blessing/other ceremony.

YANBU to have more commitment before making more commitment yourself. If he can’t commit to you, or changed his mind, buying a house together wouldn’t make sense.

Of note, I would take a proposal AND a date / time frame for wedding as commitment too.

@MelonBuffet Yup, I'm one of those women.

We already live together in a rental and have a child

Oh god, he’s one of those!

Sorry OP but you have your answer. It’s not that he isn’t sure about making a huge commitment - he’s tied for life to his kids, he’ll tie himself for 25 years to a mortgage company. It’s just that he won’t tie himself to you.

I’d have a sit down talk with him and say that it’s not working for you, you have been honest and up-front about what you want, you’ve ended up in a situation you didn’t want to be, unable to talk to him about your joint future and that you’re looking for someone who wants to be committed to you, not just via your DCs or a joint mortgage, but because he chooses you as his partner.

You can try and be calm and understanding, say that you accept that it’s not what he wants and that’s his choice (which it 100% is) but that it’s important to you that your partner is on the same page and if it’s not on the cards then he needs to say so now so that you can make your own plans for your life.

If he doesn’t even respect you enough to listen to this and reply in a reassuring manner, then he’s an arsehole and you’re better off single.

Honestly we see it all the time on here - advance search some other threads on ‘waiting for DP to propose’ or DP won’t commit. You’ll see the same shit story over and over again, where they keep you dangling (often through the fertile years, wasting your chance of more DCs if you want them) then when you finally get pissed off with waiting or find out he’s cheated, he moves out and marries his new woman within months. Don’t let him waste your time any longer.

I'm old and jaded. I have no sense of romance, especially when there might be any risk to my children's future stability. In your situation I'd be refusing to put down a deposit in a house until after the marriage happened.

A big proposal is a nice gesture but it's meaningless unless it's accompanied by a real commitment to one's partner and child(ren). Your OH is doing the opposite of demonstrating commitment: he's standing back while you take all the risks. That's not love. That's not responsibility. It's selfish and immature. If I sound harsh it's because I've seen it over and over.

Women and children end up in poverty because of this bullshit. Protect yourself and your child.

Sounds like he's stalling.

Even if he does propose and you buy a house, what's to stop him stalling and making excuses not to have the actual wedding?

He is not invested as you and this pressure that you're bringing whilst sensible if you know your mind will just crush the relationship.

You've had conversations about marriage and you're not married - essentially he's said no, though not yet, for whatever reason.
He might change his mind, he might not. In the meantime I wouldn't make a financial risk with him without some sort of legal agreement about equal investment (I assume this is possible as I do hear of friends and siblings going in together on house purchases).