To wait until the new year to commit

[amiweong]

NC.

Basically DP and I are in the position to put down a deposit on our first home. We've been looking at houses, etc. But no success so far.

This is where my AIBU comes in.

We have discussed on numerous occasions marriage. He knew my thoughts on marriage, how important it was to me, etc. He told me when we first got together that he wanted marriage too.

Several years down the line, nothing has happened. We had a long discussion about it recently (a few months ago) and basically the outcome was that he'd propose before the end of the year.

So would I be unreasonable to put off our house hunt until he makes good on his word? And wait until the new year before committing to a house?

I just read the bit that he'll feel hounded if you bring up a conversation about your mutual futures. Don't waste your money! Look for somewhere and some security of your own.

That’s a good idea actually SubtleCheese - could you look for somewhere smaller - take him for a viewing and when he says it’s not what he’s looking for, tell him it’s fine, he won’t be living there!

If marriage is important to you, it should have come before the child rather than before the house. It's a far, far more important step.

And wtf do people constantly talk about 'waiting for the man to propose'? If you want to marry, you tell him. There are only two acceptable replies to that - yes or no. Anything else means no.

YANBU

If you don’t want to buy a house without being married or at least having a date set, you need to tell him that. You won’t be nagging or hounding him - just telling him that buying a home together isn’t happening before the wedding. I think you are being very sensible.

Not just getting engaged- it’s not a a great idea to commit funds until you’re actually married. However I guess this would mean a low key wedding if you are saving a house deposit.

Thanks for all the advice ladies

I won't drip feed anymore of the story but let's just say he's a dickhead 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do you want to marry a dickhead?

Lets just say, we’re not surprised!

Sounds like you dodged a bullet then - he’s telling you that your future isn’t with him. Thank him and move on!

So don’t buy a house with him or marry him. He won’t become less of a dickhead just because you’re married.

I don't get way so many women here are sitting around like someone in the eighteenth century waiting for a man to propose to the.

It's 2018 men and women have equality, if marriage is important to you then sit down, discuss it, set a date and marry.
If it's not important or doesn't fit with your values then don't worry about it

BUT
Whatever route you go down protect yourself legally. If you buy a house set out who put in what, how the bills are to be shared and how it is to be split if you separate. If you have, or are planning to have, children then cover how you will share finances and bills then.

If you carry on looking at houses be clear that you want a legal agreement spelling out both parties rights & responsibilities before anything is purchased.

Decide what you want
Talk to him
If he’s not on the same page, at least you know.
You plan the rest of your life with or without him.

The arsehole thung isn’t a surprise.

Don’t marry a dickhead!

I’d keep saving for your deposit and don’t commit to a house until you are married / have a wedding date set. Otherwise he’ll have a child, and a house and won’t see the need to marry you.

Yah I wish it was as easy as just talking to him

He's difficult to say the least

So leave him. If you can’t talk about issues and decisions then it’s not a partnership.

If you can't sit and talk to him, like a normal reasonable person and he's difficult to say the least, I really cant for the life of me understand why you want to enter into marraige and mortgage with him. Do you think, you may be better off without him? Because he doesn't sound very endearing so far.
Marraige and housebuying are exciting milestones in a persons life, as long as they are with the right person.

Yah I wish it was as easy as just talking to him

He's difficult to say the least

Don’t marry him. Why on earth would you want to

My friend has a house with her ex partner (not married). He won't consent to sell up or even let it out (He doesn't need the money but she does). She is now renting another house across the country with her new husband, while the house she half owns sits empty.