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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I report after all these years ----trigger warning-----

41 replies

nightmares · 21/09/2018 17:20

More of a wwyd, posting here for traffic. Name changed, sort of a regular here.

I was sexually abused by a relative when I was under 10. This happened when my parents visited him about once or twice a year, and would stay over. So in the night he would visit the room I was sleeping. I was not raped (some consolation huh), just completely scarred by it all.

When I was a teenager, this man's young son was killed in a freak accident. I was at his place (the entire clan was there) when the body was brought home from the hospital, and my abuser cried and beat his chest and well, behaved like a parent in agony. I felt nothing, except a sense of satisfaction that he was now punished by God for what he did to me. Then immediately I felt ashamed because my dead cousin was a very sweet child. In a way, I was scared by my own coldness, and long story short, I took decisions that led me far away from my homeland and I made my life in another country.

Recently I heard that this man's younger son had married and lives with him, and had twin daughters last year. I have been feeling very restless and nervous ever since I heard this. It was my teen brain that had convinced me that the relative had been punished and will not err more, but of course now that I am an adult, I know what a BS logic that was, a leopard doesn't change its spot does it...

I want to somehow make contact with and warn my cousin's wife to be careful, but am I projecting? I have never met her, but she is on my facebook as family member... should I go down this path, or should I just let bygones be bygones? The country these people live in is a third world one, and I am scared nobody would believe me... even my own mother didn't when I tried to tell her what was happening to me whenever they visited this relative. And the backlash would be huge. But if it's the right thing to do, I will do it. I just don't know if it is.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Losingthewill1 · 21/09/2018 17:26

You need to report it, it may be hard but I would just go straight to the police.

Original poster
nightmares · 21/09/2018 17:27

Forgot to mention that it's twenty years later now

OP posts:
CharmedImSure · 21/09/2018 17:41

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm very glad you were able to move past this to some extent.
I was also abused (by a woman) when I was young. It only happened a few times but I blocked it out until I was much older.
I had similar feelings to you when I found out this woman couldn't have children of her own.
You must, must report this, for the sake of those twins. At the very least, you should warn their mother.
Good luck OP.

Mumao · 21/09/2018 18:03

Please report it for the sake of those girls. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 21/09/2018 18:32

Please report. My best friend had a similar experience as you with her grandfather. He committed suicide after admitting it (after telling her he would kill himself if she involved police, she was 14 when she disclosed it!). Blood means nothing sadly so his grandchildren are not safe x

BastardGoDarkly · 21/09/2018 18:35

I'm so sorry op.

Which police would you report to though? The ones in the third world country?

I'd message the mother of the girls, and leave it to her.

Best of luck Flowers

Zombae · 21/09/2018 18:35

There is a chance that you could save those girls from him. I know it's painful for you, but please, you must speak up. You must tell their mother. I as a mother would need to know this information if my child was in contact with someone who abused a child in the past.

Original poster
nightmares · 21/09/2018 18:38

Thanks... I am this close to sending the mother a facebook message, but somehow putting it all in text makes me nervous. May be I should call her? I don't even know her. I don't know how to form the words to even talk about something that happened 20 years ago... I guess I am more worried the mom would not believe me, and make enormous trouble for my parental family (they live in the same neighbourhood, though not in talking terms because of other issues)

OP posts:
Original poster
nightmares · 21/09/2018 18:39

I am in UK, I doubt if I can contact my home country's police. I am becoming more and more convinced that I should talk to the cousin's wife, but am also very ashamed and scared that I am too late...

OP posts:
CantThinkOfNameOops · 21/09/2018 18:44

you should tell her. of course she might not believe it but I think that's something you have to just risk. hopefully nothing will happen to the girls but if something did then at least you did warn the mother. hopefully she will believe you though

Zombae · 21/09/2018 18:47

It's never too late. This is extremely hard for you, I understand and I cannot imagine how torn you feel, but think of those girls. I know you don't know her, but it may make her believe you because you have no reason to make things up.
At the very least, she may not believe you but she may become a little more vigilant.

BunsOfAnarchy · 21/09/2018 18:52

Tell them.
Don't think of anyone but those two young girls.

Whats worse, you telling them and them not believing you. Or them never knowing at all?

Im so sorry this happened to you OP.

Tartsamazeballs · 21/09/2018 18:57

I'd be devastated if someone knew something that could have kept my little girl safe and didn't say anything. Drop a line to the mum, state the facts, wish them well and move on. Don't expect to be lauded as a hero because they might get angry but you're in another country and you have another life so so what if they do.

Your mum's a dick and you deserved her to do better by you, by the way X x

AamdC · 21/09/2018 18:57

Would your home countrys police take you seriously as you said its third world, i would. Contact the wife even if she doesnt respond she will be able to keep an eye on everything.

LexieLulu · 21/09/2018 19:23

I would send the mother a message cause at least then your conscious is clear for your family members.

Obviously the best thing to do would be to report it to the police as who know who else this peadophile has abused.

Seabreeze18 · 21/09/2018 20:03

I really feel for u op but please give this relative a chance to save her twins!

Zombae · 21/09/2018 20:05

Have courage. Whatever you do - do the right thing. Do what you believe in your soul is the right thing. Often the right thing is the hardest thing, but if you are too fearful now, you may regret it later. If you believe that another child is at risk of something that scarred you - then have courage and protect them.

Is there a chance you can email her anonymously? Mention the name of this man and the names of her girls - but don't explicitly tell her it was you? Even if she dismisses you, it will plant a seed in her mind and subconsciously she will keep an eye on her girls.

MacosieAsunter · 21/09/2018 20:09

Is this third world country one where women have a voice? Would the twins mother actually have any rights over her own children? Would she be able to work to support herself and the twins without the protection of the patriarchy?

dancingintherain1111 · 21/09/2018 20:15

I would set up a call with the Mum, if she doesn’t believe you - well you tried your best to protect her daughters & that’s all you can do.

This hits very close to home, I would be grateful for the call.

Tistheseason17 · 21/09/2018 20:46

I reported for a second time 23yrs later to support another victim. Anything to stop it happening to someone else.
Police were excellent, sensitive. Sometimes, this is the closure you need.

Happygummibear · 21/09/2018 20:54

You need to report it. Either to the mum or to the police here who may be able to speak to the embassy if there is a possibility of children at risk.

I sat on just service for a man who reported abuse 40 years after it happened. Turned out the man had gone to another country and did the same thing. If the man had been able to come forward in the first place it would have saved someone else from the same fate.

You are right, leopards don't change their spots and if this relative has opportunity it is likely they will use it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you but please try to help those little girls Flowers

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 21/09/2018 20:56

Could you speak to police in the UK to ask their advice first, then aim to make your next step?

Flowers
Thatssomebadhatharry · 21/09/2018 20:58

Tell her what you told us. Since you found out you have been sick with worry. As a parent I know I’d want to know.

Going to the police may take some more courage but hopefully you will find this too.

didnteatallmyfishandchips · 21/09/2018 21:01

Contact the police. Please.

ittakes2 · 21/09/2018 21:07

I think you are very brave. I reported almost 40 years later and it was tough but it helped so much in giving me closure and helping me to feel I did the right thing. The police were amazing - I reported it I in my home country and did it via email through their website.
If I was you, I would do both - report to the police and tell the mother. I’m guessing a report to the police would not automatically result in the mother knowing. Also, if you have ever mentioned the assault in counselling, the police find it useful to know that as it’s used as evidence of your version of events. I’m sorry this happened to you - you are an amazing person to try and help these girls.

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