Should I report after all these years ----trigger warning-----

[nightmares]

More of a wwyd, posting here for traffic. Name changed, sort of a regular here.

I was sexually abused by a relative when I was under 10. This happened when my parents visited him about once or twice a year, and would stay over. So in the night he would visit the room I was sleeping. I was not raped (some consolation huh), just completely scarred by it all.

When I was a teenager, this man's young son was killed in a freak accident. I was at his place (the entire clan was there) when the body was brought home from the hospital, and my abuser cried and beat his chest and well, behaved like a parent in agony. I felt nothing, except a sense of satisfaction that he was now punished by God for what he did to me. Then immediately I felt ashamed because my dead cousin was a very sweet child. In a way, I was scared by my own coldness, and long story short, I took decisions that led me far away from my homeland and I made my life in another country.

Recently I heard that this man's younger son had married and lives with him, and had twin daughters last year. I have been feeling very restless and nervous ever since I heard this. It was my teen brain that had convinced me that the relative had been punished and will not err more, but of course now that I am an adult, I know what a BS logic that was, a leopard doesn't change its spot does it...

I want to somehow make contact with and warn my cousin's wife to be careful, but am I projecting? I have never met her, but she is on my facebook as family member... should I go down this path, or should I just let bygones be bygones? The country these people live in is a third world one, and I am scared nobody would believe me... even my own mother didn't when I tried to tell her what was happening to me whenever they visited this relative. And the backlash would be huge. But if it's the right thing to do, I will do it. I just don't know if it is.

I don't know what to do.

I'm in a similar situation, but have been nc with that bit of the family for years, and I've been trying to think of a way to report them anonymously as i tried about 15 years ago and they convinced the powers that be that i was a shit stirring liar!

I seem to have hit a brick wall, but you haven't OP, please tell anyone who will listen so you know in your heart that you've done all you can.

Thanks everyone, I have sent my cousin's wife a facebook message that I'd like to speak with her about something very important, and asked for her whatsapp number. Didn't give any details. She has 'seen' the message, but not yet replied. Now to summon up the courage to find the right words to tell her. I will update soon.

Thanks for all your , I find it very comforting. I am not sure I can ever find what true happiness is, I have MH issues and am crap at relationships and have a very resentful attitude towards sex (I deliberately married a man with a low libido, I know it sounds crazy, I have done a lot of stupid things in my life), but I try to see the cup as half full and live my life. It's not always easy and sometimes I think it's just not gonna happen, but I try. I will not go down for another person's sin.

MacosieAsunter the answer is sadly, no. She will have no support from anywhere, the most I can expect is that she persuades her husband to move out. At the very least, never leave her daughters under the care of this man.

I spoke with my mom after I sent my cousin's wife fb message and came to know that the man's nephew also lives with this man, apparently, with his son (joint family). It makes me sick, three kids in that house. I am appalled at why and how I have not asked my mom about this family before, I have spent a lifetime getting away from it all but I should have said something way before now, it makes me feel extremely ashamed.

Shit I just remembered something, I have been up all night tossing and turning. I remembered one instance where I woke up in the morning on tops of this bastard, and then mumbling something about needing to go to the toilet and then came out of the room. His wife was right outside the room, in the living area, watching tv.

My aunt. Hell, she must have known something? She is an enabler, isn't she? Fucking hell. My head is spinning.

I would message her and aske for her mobile number so you can call her . It would be a very hard message to read and if the relative is devious he could see it and write you off as crazy .

You have done the right thing.

Have you seen a councillor or anybody to help you deal with what happened?

Sorry op take care and go easy on yourself.

Tartsamazeballs I had such anger and rage at my parents for a long time. When visiting this relative, they were always given a room upstairs while I and my cousins (all younger than me) slept in a room downstairs. I have asked myself again and again what made it alright for them to leave me alone and have a room for themselves. The only answer I had at the beginning is that they must have implicitly trusted this man as a 'good person' - he did have a presigious job and was top dog in that part of the family, and one of the truly "rich" in the clan. That made me even more angry, that they trusted him just because he had status and money. They should have fuckin known better.

After becoming an adult and many sessions of therapy, I have come to realise that my parents are extremel naive people (out of respect I am avoiding the word stupid) from the village who came to the city and never really wisened up. Their goals were to give food and education to their kids, and earn enough for that. My father worked all week in two jobs, I hardly saw him. My mother had to live in an incredibly toxic household with vengeful inlaws and spent all her day toiling in the kitchen and fighting for her basic rights. It was not squalor, but we definitely were poor. For the first 13 years of my life, my parents and I lived in a single room with my grandparents in the very next room, and I feel therein lies the answer.

May be my parents wanted to have some privacy, and that is the reason I ended up in that room downstairs in that relative's house :(

ChestOfFields I am afraid of that too, hitting a brick wall. Well I have started the process, I have to do it to clear my conscience, it is up to the twins' mother to do the rest.

ittakes2, your post gives me hope, I think I need this kind of closure too because I have spent so much of time and money and effort therapy yet I sometimes feel I have never made progress, the anger and sadness is still in me and preventing me from leading a fulfilled life. Perhaps its time to confront take the bull by its horns, rather than keep away from its path. Terrifies me, but if it will help me sleep better, I will do it.

Idontbelieveinthemoon thanks for this, I didn't know this was an option. I know its silly but I feel scared to talk to anybody in real life about this, except for my therapist...

It is likely that you were in the room downstairs with your cousins as it was supposed to be fun.

Your parents aren't stupid or naive. They are normal parents who should have been able to trust you were safe with family.

The fault lies solely with the abuser. I would never consider it my parents' fault I was abused because they left us with family friends to go out. If they knew he was a paedophile it would be a different matter - but they didn't.

I'm lucky as I spoke out at the time and again years later, but can I suggest more counselling? I think it would help

The big issue here is if reporting to the police (in home country) will make a difference or not? It's all well and good for us to scream "REPORT" but I'm pretty sure your average MN'er would have zero idea or experience about how "third world countries" deal with historical sexual abuse. We're assuming every country works like the UK....

I think you've done the right thing OP. Let the mother know and go from there.

I would think your parents had no clue about sexual abuse or what was going on in that house.
30 years ago people were a bit more nieve about it and they had no reason to suspect your uncle was capable of being an abuser.

You have done what you can, and that is really all you can do. It could be that the mother of those twins is sadly living in a situation that to us would be unacceptable in our culture and have no way of getting out of it. But by you informing her of your abuse by this man will make her much more wary, and do all she can do to keep her daughters safe. Do you have any female relatives that live local to her that would also be prepared to meet and speak to her ?

@Nightmares, unfortunately I have a similar story and all I can say is to remember that peadophiles groom the entire family- they make the parents feel foolish and overprotective by gaslighting, they drive a wedge between the parents and child and they offer the parents a bit of cheap childcare and a night off. The guy who targeted my parents used to get them drunk to the point where my dad still has a drinking problem 20 odd years later.

Obviously they're not blameless but certainly they were young and came up against practiced psychological warfare which they werent aware of or prepared for. It's something I've had to reconcile with.

Late update because I have been trying to cope.

I didn't get a reply for my message for more than a fortnight, but eventually my cousin's wife replied and I called her. She first reacted with shock to what I said about her father in law, and then anger and told me not to contact her again. I am sorry to report there was absolutely no support or concern in her voice for her, she flat out refused to believe me. I hope to God it would occur to her sooner than later that she better be more careful, just to be safe than sorry, and set some kind of boundaries.

She must have told her husband immediately because I got a call from my cousin the next day. It was a terrible conversation, it gives me PTSD to even think about it. Basically he told me that if I 'slandered' his father with false allegations or dishonoured his family, he will sue me and make life hell for my parents (who live in the same neighbourhood as him).

Upside is I feel I have done my duty.

Downside is the conversation has severaly traumautised me, made me feel horrible about myself because the mother didn't believe me and brought back some more repressed memories, with my cousin, also touching me inappropriately when I was sleeping in his house as a child. But he was younger than me by a year, so I really didn't know what to make the hell of it all.

So this is what they mean by opening a can of worms