To know inside I'll never get to be a mum

[momas]

Struggling with unexplained infertility, currently getting help from the NHS as so far they just can't find any reason why we aren't conceiving. It doesn't make any sense and I just feel it's the universe telling me to give up. I'm just never going to get to be a mum.

DH keeps saying I'm silly and of course it'll happen for us, but that's not always the case. What if no matter what we do we can't conceive? What do we do then? Has anyone ever just not been able to become a mum no matter how badly they wanted it? I feel like I'm drowning it's the only thing I've ever wanted it and I just know deep in my heart it's never going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm posting for but I've hit my lowest point and I'm just thinking there's no point putting ourselves through this anymore and should just accept fate. Every time I see a child I tear up. It almost feels like when you hear something like someone close to you dying, you can either accept it and move on or you can deny and hurt yourself. I just know deep inside me that I won't be a mum.

Did anyone else feel this way and be proved wrong? Can gut feelings be this accurate? I just need to know what to do

I know many, many people who knew they would not be a parent. They were sure of it.

All but one of them is a parent.

Feelings are not facts.

I've known many many people throughout my time who have struggled to conceive for various reasons. I've struggled myself and met many people through that. Every single person I have met has conceived one way or another. It will happen for you.

Have you tried IVF?

How long has it been? It took 16 months first time with no discernible reason - we had the tests. Next time it took 1 month - I was very surprised!!

Dealing with infertility is dealing with grief. You’ve had an ambition/life plan for however long and that future has changed.

It took me years to come to terms with our difficulties and even then it was an uneasy achknowledgment rather than making my peace with it. I was lucky, very lucky in the end but I will never forget those years of emotional torment.

Try to let yourself feel what you feel without guilt. That’s part of the process but don’t let it become who you are, the thing that defines who you are.

I got to a point where I used to tell myself it wasn’t over till menopause came trotting along. Granted I have no idea how I would’ve felt then but it helped in a small way.

I could have written this myself a few months ago. 4 years and 4 early miscarriages. Every test almost perfect. So unexplained! NHS wouldn't give me IVF as I got pregnant myself - so we went private.. even though I KNEW it wouldn't work.. I'm 33w pregnant today. I still can't believe it's actually happening and don't think I will until I have a baby in my arms!

I took five years, three with infertility, and two failed pregnancies before I finally got my DS. I had well and truly given up and was attempting to reconcile myself with it never happening. My boss took ten years, and my neighbour 12. There are miracle stories everywhere, but I know it doesn’t help when you are in the thick of it and it feels like you will be the one that doesn’t get the happy ending. for you. I know it’s shit.

There's a book called fertile thinking which I found really helpful with dealing with the mental hell of infertility, and coming to a sense that I could be ok whatever the outcome. "It will all be ok in the end, and if it isn't ok it isn't the end" was a mantra of mine for a while.

I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility after all the tests too. Just as we were about to start ivf I got pregnant naturally. I'm now pregnant with my second which was conceived the first month of trying! Stay strong, don't give up x

I'm sorry you are going through this . We only thought we were not going to be able conceive for a while - Drs told us that it was highly unlikely we would ever have children, however we did. It was an awful time even though just a short time before we conceived. I hope things work out for you, don't give up hope.

Thank you for the kinda words and positive stories. I know I shouldn't give up hope but honestly this feeling in my gut that I won't happen just seems concrete. I feel like I could bet so much on it. God I want so badly to be wrong

I thought that. Had gone through alot of emotions (cried alot) and finally resigned myself to just being an aunt. This was 8 years. I am watching my 2 year old playing with peppa pig as i write this. I never thought id be a parent. Feelings are just feelings. I was one of the lucky ones i know but you might be too. X

many people who have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility go on to be successful with IVF :) don't give up yet

No, instincts and feelings aren't helpful here sadly. If they were, we wouldn't need fertility investigations as a species - we'd just say "I know I am" or "I know I'm not".

But I hear what you're saying, and to be honest I'm not sure that endless stories of "I got pregnant in the end" are always helpful. I think coming to terms with it can be a good thing.

The truth is, it doesn't happen for some people. It didn't for me, it might not for you either, it's just one of those things. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you have to give up hope or stop trying, but for me, getting used to that idea and grieving and preparing for a life without children helped me to move forward and get some form of mental health and life back again.

Now if it ever does randomly happen I'll be overjoyed, but if it doesn't, I know it'll be alright too. I don't miss the days of agony over it at all.

Whatever comes your way, I hope you're okay

As someone has said, feelings aren’t facts. I am so sorry you’re so low. Unexplained infertility is awful as it’s so frustrating. I also felt the way you did, but went down the adoption route and have an amazing 5 year old. It’s not for everyone tho of course. Good luck xx

My friends has unexplained infertility. She got pregnant after 3 rounds of infertility and she had an uncomplicated unremarkable pregnancy and has a 2 year old.

She’s currently pregnant with her second conceived the conventional way.

You may not be a parent, you may. Only you know when it’s time to stop.

Good luck OP - I’ve not experienced the pain of infertility but I’ve seen how awful it is for close friends.

3 rounds of IVF - sorry.

My bil and his wife had been trying for a baby for more than 6 years, they were around the 40 age mark and decided to give up trying, there was no reason she had not become pregnant, it just wasn't happening. They carried on without using contraception but didn't expect a pregnancy and now have a little girl of school age! It can just happen and I hope it does for you.

So many people feel as you do, are quite convinced they'll never be pregnant, then they have three children one after the other!

I'm not saying that will happen to you but as no reason has been found for you not conceiving, just try to relax and stop pinning all your hopes on it. You'd be surprised how often people become pregnant when they stop stressing over it.

x

I know it's hard (my sister and several close friends went through the same but all got there in the end), but try and carve out some 'you' time. Can you get away, get some meditations for bedtime, do yoga etc. When something takes over your life it often doesn't help with the solution. If you're able to step back a bit it may do wonders. Stress and worry are not your friend in this. All my friends positive stories were when they'd given up and stopped stressing over it. My sister's was IVF.

Can I suggest you ask to move this post to the infertility section?

Coming terms with potentially never being a mum is very difficult, and pages upon pages of well-meaning posts about how it will definitely happen for you one day can be quite unhelpful.

The 'you can always adopt' crew will be along in a minute, no doubt.

The fact is, that for a lot of people, it never does happen and this outcome is something that needs to be discussed.

I feel for you OP. It's incredibly difficult and my thoughts are with you xx

I think your strong feelings about it never happening are part of you trying to guard against disappointment, because they are just feelings. The fact is it may happen for you and I really hope it does OP. Try not to let it all overwhelm you and as a previous poster has said, get lots of support from people in similar situations.

@ManorGreyhound I didn't post it there in fear someone would confirm that indeed it may not ever happen. Just trying to keep the hope alive I guess but denial won't get me anywhere. You are right x

How old are you?
What treatments have you had and are considering?

My dh and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility in 2012. We'd been TTC for about 3 years by this point. It was just soul destroying. I must have cried myself to sleep every night for at least 2 of the 3 years. I hated being around pregnant people because I was scared of crying in front of them. I didn't want to hold any babies or be around babies. It was just so so hard and so lonely for me. I knew, just knew, I would never get pregnant and knew I would never have a baby bump, and it made me so sad knowing that your gut is telling you that it isn't meant to be. We had a failed round of IVF that I knew wasn't going to work and I was sad but completely accepted it when I started bleeding. Then 2 months later, after TTC for over 3.5 years, I got a positive pregnancy test. But I couldn't be happy because I knew in my heart that I would miscarry. And then I knew deep down when we got to our 12 week scan it would be bad news and then the 20 week scan would bring bad news. Then I had a gut feeling either myself or the baby would die during childbirth. Basically, my gut feeling, the one that kept making me feel like I didn't stand a chance of getting pregnant and having a baby was wrong. I had a completely uneventful pregnancy and my dd was born in 2013. We then tried for a second child. After another 3 years of trying and knowing deep down we would never be lucky enough to be blessed with a second child, we paid privately for IVF and we had our second child last year.

Don't base your success or failure on a feeling. A feeling means nothing when it comes to fertility. I would have no children at all if conception was based on how I was feeling prior to conceiving them.