Another money/budget one

[Isitme13]

Yes, I know - how long is a piece of string, etc etc.

But, I’m just looking for a range of opinions.

Stbx is financially controlling, and is yet again in at me over the amount I spend.

ExH is a very high earner. We have high outgoings (school fees, mortgage) but there is more than enough left over for eg him to own 2 cars he barely drives (commutes by train, walks to station), and have an expensive hobby, plus dinner out whenever he feels like it etc.

He has, over our marriage, always transferred ‘housekeeping’ money to my account. This has been an arbitrary figure he plucked out of the air years ago, and hasn’t ever risen (over 18 years). I then let him know what extras are needed, and he transfers this amount (supposedly without quibbling, but he always queries it etc). I know this is a pile of bollocks, and please note he is stbx - I am well down the road of divorce.

Anyway, to get to my Aibu. He is yet again saying that I spend too much.

I feed, clothe, pay for extras (drama club, music lessons) petrol obvs for school runs (long - dc at SN school in next county), plus all the little bits and pieces of daily life - a treat for dcs here and there etc. Basically everything except main bills. Me plus 3 dc - two of whom are teenage/pre teen and growing like weeds so need new clothes/shoes every 5 minutes seemingly!

H seems to think I should be able to do all of the above on £1000 a month. My petrol bill alone is £400/month minimum.

My general expenditure is coming in at closer to £2000/month, which is what he is saying is unreasonable. I don’t think I spend extravagantly - there are, of course things which aren’t strictly necessary, but tbh, given his earnings (and what he thinks he should be able to spend on himself), I really don’t think it’s way out of line.

Is it really so over the top? Or is he yet again being a controlling arsehole?

Yeah it's you

Sorry 1000 is what it at to spend on all my expenses so I'm sure u could pull back a little if necessary
How are u planing to manage once divorced?

That's a lot of money. Unless he's on mega bucks it would be unlikely a court would award you that amount.

£2000 a month, not inculding bills? Madness.

How much does he earn a month? Only that can determine whether or not he’s being stingy.

We spend way more than that per month on similar items but we cut our cloth accordingly. If you’re asking for £2k and he earns excess of £10k per month then that’s very reasonable.

Petrol at £400 and food (£600ish?) doesn't leave much for anything else!

Do a spreadsheet out and itemise absolutely everything you spend...you will then both be able to see if you are overspending or not !

Do you also work? I'm wondering if, now you're separating he is thinking that you should both be contributing to the costs rather than just he?
If he is going to be having to pay for 2 houses, 2 lots of bills (as you've said you don't pay for these) and then your 'housekeeping' money on top I can see why he would be saying to rein it in.

As per pp though, it is also dependent on his earnings too.

How will you manage once the divorce is final and you no longer have his support(excepting maintenance)?

I'd be looking at ways to be less reliant on him and cut my spending down. The amount of disposable income before bills is more than most people's income before expenses.
You don't mention if you work?

It's hard to say if he's unreasonable or not because you don't really specify how you spend the money besides food and fuel.

You're going to get a lot of replies from envious people who will tell you that you're spending too much. If your spending is broadly the same as when you were married then I don't think you're being unreasonable, but what does your solicitor say? Are you likely to have a similar settlement from the divorce?

first world problems or what

What are the main bills your STBX is currently paying? How much do they come to? Is this less than say a quarter of his salary?
I'm assuming these main bills are on top of the £1k a month he is paying for the other expenses?
Do you work?

I don't think you being in disagreement with him means either of you are in the wrong. Some times you need to see stuff itemised and added up to really understand where it's going.

It sounds like he's objecting to the overall total rather than arguing whether any specific item is unreasonable. It may be that there just needs to be better financial reporting so that he understands where the money is going.

Well, it's all relative isn't it? I easily spend that BUT we can easily afford it.

What would that be a % if his income?

He earns £12k+ per month. School fees do take a chunk out of that, but max £3k/month.

And yes, I know we are hardly on the breadline.

I don’t work (3 disabled dc).

As eurochick points out -£400 on fuel (minimum) plus food for 5 at £600ish doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Add in extras (agreed by exH as well, eg a drama group)and it’s easy to go over. And that’s without mentioning clothes - dd1 needs new clothes every other month, plus shoes. Dd2 not far behind. Ds still thankfully using up old clothes, but I’m running out of those as the girls got girlier as hey got older so not many more hand me downs there.

Dd2 just moved to secondary, and her new uniform alone (plus sports kit) came to just under £700. Dd1 a more reasonable £300. Ds didn’t need as much this time, thankfully, but still needed shoes and the odd bit here and there and probably spent £200. So that would be a £1200 “overspend” for August alone, and just on school uniform (don’t get me started on the ridiculous cost - that’s private schools for you)

OP expect a well-deserved flaming.

My initial reaction was that 2K sound like a fortune. But, we have one primary age child and spend £700 "groceries" and £250 a month on activities, multiply the £250 by three and add in £400 for fuel and that's £1850, and that's assuming your three don't need more food the my one. So I can see how it could happen. (Though I think for 95% of posters, £250 per month in optional expenditure per child is going to sound extravagant.)

I’m supposed to stick to 1k for food and spends but realistically it’s £1.5k plus. We’re not particularly extravagant, that includes maybe a couple of takeaways, one meal out for all of us, hobby bits for me + kids, subs, gin, fags (terrible human being I know), clothes for the kids, v occasional clothes for me, books, extras for school, £25 a week for school dinners, the odd tenner for the teens to go into town etc etc.

It all adds up, and although DH is a high earner (c£85k + overtime) I wouldn’t say he’s a very high earner so I think your £2k pm is probably extremely reasonable.

How much do you earn?

You have 3 disabled children in private school? Do you have any not in school?

You need a good lawyer, especially around pension.

Nope, he’s being an arse. You don’t need to watch the pennies. However, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he manipulates his finances to ensure you receive less than £2k in maintenance after your divorce. So it would be wise to consider how you will get on with a much reduced income. Apologies if you’ve already been awarded a larger monthly sum.

X post with the amounts.

Yeah, he’s a selfish fuckwit.

He earns about £250,000- is any of this bonus or shares?

Based on income now posted, 2K doesn't sound excessive at all. I'd just list where it goes and ask him what he thinks is unnecessary. (But I wouldn't consider cutting anything until he's accounted for his own spending and explained where the savings are going to go.)

He gets bonus (where/when due - not always a given, although can’t remember last time he didn’t get one) and shares on top.