Another money/budget one

[Isitme13]

Yes, I know - how long is a piece of string, etc etc.

But, I’m just looking for a range of opinions.

Stbx is financially controlling, and is yet again in at me over the amount I spend.

ExH is a very high earner. We have high outgoings (school fees, mortgage) but there is more than enough left over for eg him to own 2 cars he barely drives (commutes by train, walks to station), and have an expensive hobby, plus dinner out whenever he feels like it etc.

He has, over our marriage, always transferred ‘housekeeping’ money to my account. This has been an arbitrary figure he plucked out of the air years ago, and hasn’t ever risen (over 18 years). I then let him know what extras are needed, and he transfers this amount (supposedly without quibbling, but he always queries it etc). I know this is a pile of bollocks, and please note he is stbx - I am well down the road of divorce.

Anyway, to get to my Aibu. He is yet again saying that I spend too much.

I feed, clothe, pay for extras (drama club, music lessons) petrol obvs for school runs (long - dc at SN school in next county), plus all the little bits and pieces of daily life - a treat for dcs here and there etc. Basically everything except main bills. Me plus 3 dc - two of whom are teenage/pre teen and growing like weeds so need new clothes/shoes every 5 minutes seemingly!

H seems to think I should be able to do all of the above on £1000 a month. My petrol bill alone is £400/month minimum.

My general expenditure is coming in at closer to £2000/month, which is what he is saying is unreasonable. I don’t think I spend extravagantly - there are, of course things which aren’t strictly necessary, but tbh, given his earnings (and what he thinks he should be able to spend on himself), I really don’t think it’s way out of line.

Is it really so over the top? Or is he yet again being a controlling arsehole?

It does sound like a stretch to feed a family of four, clothe them, pay for all activities etc on £600 (after petrol)/month.

We're a family of three and we definitely spend more than £150/wk on food, clothes and activities - probably double that, if not more. So, I don't think you spending is unreasonable if it is in line with your family budget.

What do you mean by 'very high earner'? That to me means anything from £150K/yr to millions. At the lower end of the spectrum, as the sole earner, having to pay a large mortgage, utilities for a larger than average house, school fees for three children, high commuting costs could very well have to budget significantly on food, clothes and activities to afford all of that.

Just keep detailed records of your spending and as long as it is justified and not overly extravagant then I imagine the settlement will reflect this. He is being an arse but I guess that’s why he’s a STBEX?

If his £2k per month hasn’t risen in 18 years, this financial abuse has gone on long enough. You should completely ignore the posters going on about how it’s a huge amount. Their reality is not your reality. You’ve been controlled for 18 years. Get the best lawyer you can afford and give him hell.

All 3 dc are at school. We pay fees for 2 (third one at SN school with EHCP, so fees paid)

Sorry x post about the earnings!

No YANBU in light of that.

Is that pre or post tax?

If it's pre tax then he's bringing home 7.5k a month ish; less 3k fees plus unknown mortgage, say 1.5k?

Leaves 3k.

At this point are you looking at him living elsewhere? If so then it's all looking a bit tight, if he's got 3k to house himself as well as support the family.

Obviously if it's post tax then there's another 4.5k floating around!

The £1k he transfers routinely hasn’t risen in years. And when it did it was only to cover rising fuel costs (change of school meant longer school run), so in reality he thinks I should still be managing on £600/month. Same as always.

I have a lawyer. I am proceeding as best I can with th me divorce in the face of extreme procrastination from him.

I only posted out of curiosity. I had yet another email this morning preemptively telling me (before last month’s “overspend” is even declared) that I need to rein it in, and just wondered if I was really living in the fantasy world he thinks I am.

There are obviously things I could cut back if I had to, but it’s whether I actually should have to - it’s mostly stuff for the dc, eg music lessons, after school clubs (some necessary as in lieu of childcare while I collect siblings from school, some ‘just’ for fun; all agreed by both him and me.). And yes, I could not buy decent shoes, or buy only supermarket clothes for them, but whether I should have to is a different matter. And if he is spending most of his wages (after mortgage, school fees and main bills - gas, electric, etc) on other stuff, then I don’t think I should have to.

Post tax.

So yeah, more money floating around.

i think its hard to say it seems a lot but he earns loads and obviously you have 3 children but The thing is when you divorce are you hoping he is still going to pay mortgage plus all bills for you to live in the house ? Plus pay you the monthly money I see he's a very high earner so maybe you will get it all covered in child maintenance but I would start to look at getting some way of supporting yourself that doesn't depend on him transferring the money to you. What if he stops ? What if he gets ordered to pay you less ? I would look into what t your oprions are as i cant see it being likley thst he will be required to pay forever as you say you have 2 teens child maintenance will stop for them then what would happen

Stick a Tesco value readymeal down in front of him for his dinner and tell him the food budget has had to be cut back severely due to your financial difficulties as theres nothing left to cut back on.

He'll change his mind once its affecting him.

Maintenance isn't taken into account for benefits.

We are, of course, trying to sort out post divorce finances, which is why he is so keen to point out how extravagant I am being, I think.

Just remembered another one - we haven’t been on a proper family holiday for a couple,of years, mostly because I don’t want to spend extended periods of time with him. Instead, we have been on day trips, or the occasional 2/3 days breaks in various cities - organised and booked by me, and then claimed back as part of “overspend”. His email earlier noted that a few years ago m overspends weren’t regularly as high as they are now. Well, apart from rising living costs, these extra day trips and short breaks are now being counted as part of “my”overspend, rather than instead of the large holiday budget he used to pay for.

God, he is such an arse.

Are any of your children claiming DLA? If so, you may be entitled to claim carers allowance.

Just did a child maintenance calculation. Using the assumption of 3 kids, no other child living in his new household, the post-tax income of £12k, and he take the kids less than or equal to one night per week, he should pay you child maintenance of just over £2k per month.

Yanbu at all.

As a couple we spend about the same (but we are in London that includes organic meat in the weekly shopping, theatre/opera/gigs x5-6 restaurants a couple of times a week and all annual mini breaks / trips.

He sounds financially controlling at worst / deluded about cost of living at best.
I hope you have a good Lawyer for the divorce!

lifeinpieces, £2k child maintenance would probably not be enough unless the main bills are £1k per month or less

£2000 is a lot of money. I have 4 teenagers and spend no-where near that although admittedly I don't do as much driving as you.

Bagofworries of course, but as we know nothing about OP’s other family finance. Given the courts now often pursues clean break, she may be able to get a house mortgage free but with no spouse maintenance. For the kids she may only get that £2k child maintenance (dad may pay school fees separately). Who knows!