Christmas - ILs or DM who is sick

[Froglette16]

We go between two countries. We're an international family. For a long time before kids we managed to visit one set of parents every other year. Then we had our first DC and it was my DM DB AND DMIL for the first couple of Xmases.
My DPIL are acrimoniously divorced. My dFIL wants to come to us this year but: we took a couple of years away from our DP to enjoy our kids on our own.
Then we went to DFIL's house as it was the last time we'd be there. He had his partner and her family and grandchildren there - without probably meaning to they made us feel second rate to his partner's family. They've made us feel the same way over summer.
My DM is a lot older than DPils. She has had a bad heart and surgery this year. I would love to combine the families but my mum and DB won't come if FIL is there. I understand why: he's anti our background. I want to tell DH that my DM comes this year and Fil comes next. I was bullied into Xmas with his DP just before my DF died. Unforeseeable. My DM is close I think to being in a dangerous health situation so how do I tell DH to tell his own DF to F off?

You say i want to spend christmas with my mother your father will be fine for 1 year.

I don't think you are wrong to want you Mum over for Christmas. Did you see FIL last Christmas? Where does MIL fit in, would she come with your mum?

My DM will be ok whatever I do but she needs me and my DB. MIL will come in the new year. she's actually being great about that!

Thank you. It's hard to work it all out xx

Why would u spend it with FIL if u didn't feel comfortable there?

And it's good your MIL is so understanding.

It's clear cut from where I stand. Go to your mother u don't know what's around the corner, she is your priority not FIL.

Yep it's just working out how to keep everyone happy. But my PIL are at each other's throats a lot about who gets to spend more time with the GC. It makes me stress out. So it's now hoe to get my mum some access without the DPIls going mental!

I would just say I am spending it with my mother

Your inlaws sound bloody exhausting arguing over grandchildren is ridiculous

Why would u spend it with FIL if u didn't feel comfortable there?
This ^^. Could you combine your DM, DB & MIL again? That way DH gets one of his parents & you get DM.

Frog

I’d just stick to my my DM is ill. We will see you shortly after.

So you went to FIL's last Christmas? Plus saw him over the summer? I think you say it's your mum's turn then and as she's been in poor health you're limiting numbers and keeping it quiet.
Is your DP unhappy with this, or is he OK but his dad will kick off so he won't want to stand up to that?

Thank you everyone. I think I just needed some back up before getting into the line of fire again. My DH seems afraid of upsetting his DF. But they both do my head in. You're right: My DM comes first and I will act on it. Thank you for your support xx

Then we went to DFIL's house as it was the last time we'd be there.

Why’s that-is he unwell or has he just moved?

I’d say you’re seeing your mum this year and that’s that!

If DH is that worried then send him to FIL while u visit DM

I would love to combine the families but my mum and DB won't come if FIL is there. I understand why: he's anti our background

You mean FIL is anti your background? There you go then. "DH, the kids and I will be seeing my DM this Christmas as she is sick, we will visit your lovely DM in the New Year as she is lovely and understanding about that. And despite your dad having been unpleasant to me about my background and having previously kicked off to us about losing the grandparent popularity contest he runs in his own head, I will agree to see him at some point in the next 12 months if and for as long as he can keep his racist opinions and shit stirring tendencies under control. You're welcome."

I think I love you. No s**t. You really understand! Thank you.

You know what? People on mumsnet are frequently denied their views. Someone will come on and be a cow or know too much about their situation. I didn't need 100 responses today but the ones you've given me have helped a million times over. Thank you all. I have exactly what I need to move on here. Love to all who replied xxxxx

Bloody hell, where does your Christmas fit in around every one else's demands?!

Do what you want, not what others (ie FIL) demand of you. Spend it with your DM. Don't ask anyone for their unwanted and irrelevant opinions, just tell them what you are doing this year.

FunSponges you know what? Our friends on MN have already made me work this out. You get 5 stars as all the others do for being really kind and helping me to push that button!
Love to you

My FIL is a complete bully. He wants me to leave the kids with him over summer. I say no, especially as we were all together over the past summer and if I hadn't been there my 2yo would have been badly injured.

Toomuchtooold I think you're wise. Thank you. X

It sounds like you've got his number but if you want to talk about it more there's always Stately Homes where we talk about difficult situations with dysfunctional families. I have been on there this actual week talking about my FIL (not as bad as your FIL by the sounds of it).