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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do?

54 replies

WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 06:13

I don't post often, and usually wouldn't post in AIBU, but I'm a bit shaky and don't have anyone around right now to ask advice from.

So I have a DS who is 17, very mature for his age, and who I trust a lot. I work shifts as a nurse, so he often fends for himself with a close neighbour if there's any issues. He sometimes has friends over to stay, which he always runs by me beforehand, and I'm almost always ok with as by and large they tidy up after themselves.

So I got home about an hour ago from work. I finished early as I have been working extra time and was owed a few hours, and I was wreaked.
I got in and saw that there were beer cans on the side, and there was a smell of pot.
I was a bit grumpy, but decided that was a talk for the morning. DS's bedroom is upstairs and mine is downstairs, each has its own bathroom. I went for a shower, and got dried, came out of my bathroom wearing a short dressing gown thing, and almost screamed because X, a long time friend of DS was in my room. He was definitely drunk, and he sort of lunged at me. He caught my sleeve and my hair. He was easy to push away, and quite disoriented, and he stumbled out of the room when I put my "mom' voice on but I'm left very scared. My dressing gown doesn't really go below my bum, and he'd pulled the top open a bit. I'm embarrassed and furious and upset and I honestly don't know what to do.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Catastic · 20/09/2018 06:20

Oh my goodness how frightening. Have you got someone you can call to be with you?

Your son’s DS tried to attack you. Drunk or not, it is a police matter. Please phone them to remove him from your home.

And then have a serious, serious talk to your DS.

Catastic · 20/09/2018 06:20

Sorry, your son’s friend

Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 20/09/2018 06:23

Bloody hell op are you okay?
Chuck Him out, you say he is a long time friend of your ds is there any way you can contact his parents.
I would call the police / present at your local station

Singlenotsingle · 20/09/2018 06:28

Chuck him out and call the police if he won't go

Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 06:34

I'm ok, just really upset and shaky. I've known this kid for years. His parents seem nice, I'm not very friendly with them.
I would have always thought the police advice was right, but I feel like I just want to go to bed and make this go away. I'm being a coward- a bit of my head is saying "but nothing happened" and another bit is thinking about what if I was a teenage girl at a party, or if I had a teenage daughter in the house. Is this a red flag for a potential rapist or is it a first time pot-related psychosis type thing? I think he's just turned 18, would it go on his record/ affect his uni chances? Should I care bout that? Will my DS be charged because he probably took pot as well, and they were drinking, and am I a bad mother because I left him unsupervised? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 06:35

There was a crash in the kitchen, and I can hear my DS talking. I am going out to talk to them both and tell the friend he has to go.

OP posts:
Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 20/09/2018 06:41

Hope it goes alright lovey.
I’m so sorry

rotavixsucks · 20/09/2018 06:42

Firstly you are not a bad mother for leaving him alone (hell I lived alone from 17), but he has broken your trust,

Does this seem particularly out of character for your son and his friend? I hope the friend does as you ask and you can have a reasonable conversation with DS when he's in a suitable state.

Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 07:02

There's a girl here as well! DS is incoherent. Don't know the girl at all. She's clearly drunk/ stoned. The friend has left by taxi.

OP posts:
cushioncuddle · 20/09/2018 07:13

You're in real shock and I think you are trying to process that a someone who you thought was a nice lad did something out of character and not nice.
You are also overthinking.
Your son is an age where it is absolutely fine for him to be left.
He will not get done for smoking a bit of weed.

Do you think the lad wanted to 'try it on with you' or worse.

A caution may make him sit up and think. Help him realise what he's done and turning into.

Firstly.

You need him out the house. You need to be safe.

Ask your son via phone call or text to get him out.

Ring 101 for a chat.

His behaviour was not acceptable and thank god he listened to you and stopped.

WingsofNylon · 20/09/2018 07:21

I'm so sorry. Big hugs. What a horrible situation. Is there anyone who can come over?? Iwould get the police involved. It is really important that this young man learns early that it isn't acceptable and that your son sees you won't be walked all over.

Young adults mess up, but when they do it they need to see and understand the consequences.

It is natural to want to ignore these thing, especially if you are shattered but it can't be brushed under the carpet.

Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 07:27

Thank you all for your replies

OP posts:
Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 07:30

I rang my local police station. They said they will send someone round later to talk to me and asked that DS be here. I haven't been able to talk to him properly yet. It's so hard as we are normally on the same team. The girl's mother picked her up and was very nasty to me, as if I'd given permission for drinking and whatever else. I don't even want to think what's been going on.

OP posts:
QueenOfMyWorld · 20/09/2018 07:40

I'm so sorry this happened to you,you did the right thing contacting the police and id ban ds from having friends over in future.

WingsofNylon · 20/09/2018 07:54

Well done for taking control. Try not to take the girls mother's reaction personally. She was likely angry and worried as any parent would be.

I'm working from home this morning so can keep messaging as much as you need.

May I suggest you write down what happened and times. From experience it makes it easier when the police arrive.

Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 09:29

Thanks wings. I have slept for a little bit. DS was almost crying just now. He said the girl is just a friend and nothing happened. He really doesn’t want to talk to the police. I told him what happened with his friend and he said he would talk to him but it’s not really up to him to talk rules is it? My DP doesn’t live with me, and he’s a bit angry at me because he had told me to lock my door but it’s my house and I never feel the need to. I don’t want to feel unsafe in my own house. DS is ok with not having anyone over for a while. I think having the police talk I s a good idea. But I don’t have to press charges right? I don’t have contact details for the boy’s parents. I think what surprised me most was how embarrassed I was. First scared, then angry, then just really really mortified.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/09/2018 09:53

Locking the door wouldn’t help as I’m sure your ds let his friends in. He will just have to talk to the police, it’s consequences. Ask him shouldn’t he be more horrified that his friend nearly assaulted his mother?

Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 10:48

DP meant locking my bedroom door I think. He’s not really grasping the attempted assault but maybe I downplayed it too much. (Neither DP nor DS seem to get that it was more than a bit of a fright). I’m not even sure myself right now. Tbh DS was a bit like “why would he try to grab you?” which was weirdly insulting. DP made a joke as well. :(

OP posts:
Losingthewill1 · 20/09/2018 10:54

Right

1 - you need to continue with the police, do not minimise what has happened. This guy was drunk/stoned in YOUR home not your DS home.

2- DS friend assaulted you, nothing less.

3- DS needs to talk to the police, if he doesn’t he is putting his friend above his own MOTHER.

4- tell your DP to piss off, he is also trying to minimise the situation which is horrible for you.

5- I bet money that you son has smoked weed and had quite a few friends over while you’ve been working your butt off.

6- I would be telling the DS to go live with his dad if he is not actually sorry.

Losingthewill1 · 20/09/2018 10:55

Also how is your son affording beer / drugs?

Does he give you rent money or has he had it nice and easy while you’ve been at work.

Clandestino · 20/09/2018 10:59

Your DS needs to talk to the police - he can't be putting his friend over his mother.
You got assaulted. Good you were able to fight it off but it's still an assault and needs to be investigated. Imagine the friend tries it again with another woman and has more success than now.
If your son has the money to buy beer and weed, he needs to pay his rent in your house or rent out somewhere else.
He needs to grow up.

FinallyHere · 20/09/2018 18:00

First scared, then angry, then just really really mortified.

So sorry to read what you are having to work through. Its very natural to feel as you have described. We are socialised to not make a fuss and to worry that it was our own fault, somehow asking for it. ugh.

If you can find the strength to deal with this, rather than running away you will be doing yourself, and potentially the rest of us, too, a massive favour.

PP's idea to write it all down, as a timeline, would be helpful. Not good to remind yourself, but helpful.

Lots of handholds, here, for you.

Original poster
WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 18:07

He has a weekend job, I don’t charge him rent. He’s still at school.
I’m so tired. The police came. Male and female. The woman talked to me, the man talked to my son in the kitchen. It was one of the most surreal things. I see police a lot in the A&E but in my house they seemed so big and bulky. My ds is very deflated right now. He hasn’t quite apologized but is very quiet. That could be the hangover I guess Hmm

Thanks for all the support, need my good head on to figure this out. Maybe I got complacent thinking I’d got to 17 and past the worst.
DP is def in the doghouse though. He said I should be more careful and that I should have expected this to happen. A boys will be boys eye roll kind of thing. He’s not ds’s dad, as he’s not really in the picture at all. Not a bad man but very unreliable. DP works abroad a lot.

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 20/09/2018 18:12

Poor you. What a horrible thing. Even if the assault had few physical consequences, to have something like that happen in your own home by someone you know must be utterly horrendous. I am sorry DP and DA are downplaying. They are probably trying to spin it in their heads to lessen the impact mentally. You are right to pursue this.

Rhondacross · 20/09/2018 18:13

I think DP needs to be gone to be honest.