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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what to do?

54 replies

WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 06:13

I don't post often, and usually wouldn't post in AIBU, but I'm a bit shaky and don't have anyone around right now to ask advice from.

So I have a DS who is 17, very mature for his age, and who I trust a lot. I work shifts as a nurse, so he often fends for himself with a close neighbour if there's any issues. He sometimes has friends over to stay, which he always runs by me beforehand, and I'm almost always ok with as by and large they tidy up after themselves.

So I got home about an hour ago from work. I finished early as I have been working extra time and was owed a few hours, and I was wreaked.
I got in and saw that there were beer cans on the side, and there was a smell of pot.
I was a bit grumpy, but decided that was a talk for the morning. DS's bedroom is upstairs and mine is downstairs, each has its own bathroom. I went for a shower, and got dried, came out of my bathroom wearing a short dressing gown thing, and almost screamed because X, a long time friend of DS was in my room. He was definitely drunk, and he sort of lunged at me. He caught my sleeve and my hair. He was easy to push away, and quite disoriented, and he stumbled out of the room when I put my "mom' voice on but I'm left very scared. My dressing gown doesn't really go below my bum, and he'd pulled the top open a bit. I'm embarrassed and furious and upset and I honestly don't know what to do.
Any advice?

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 20/09/2018 18:16

I wouldn't over think anything a drunk and stoned teenager does. Quite frankly, while it was unpleasant, the as silt is neither here nor there. The pot smoking and heavy drinking on the other hand are a real concern. Of course many people consume these products in moderation and are fine but getting completely wasted on a Wednesday night doesn't sound like moderation to me. If you haven't smelled the pot before this is probably the first time and just teenagers testing boundaries. This ended (as these things often do) very badly for your DS. You did really well to call the police and now you need to reinforce that this kind of substance abuse always ends in unpleasantness. Your focus should be ensuring that he learns his lesson and doesn't start going down the wrong path. Try not to be too angry with him, he made a mistake but be very clear about the severity of what happened and how this could have resulted in jail time for him and his buddy.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/09/2018 18:17

A boys will be boys eye roll kind of thing.

That's a twatty way to react to your partner being attacked. I would struggle to forgive that. Hopefully he will apologise.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/09/2018 18:21

racecardriver are you serious? She shouldn't over think being assaulted because the assailant was drunk or stoned? You are minimising. Are you female?

Bodear · 20/09/2018 18:25

Hi OP, I agree that whilst it may not be first on your list to address, you should discuss this properly with your DP. This isn’t a “boys will be boys” situation unless we accept it as normal that boys (young men) will attack women. It may have been an unsuccessful lunge at you but that doesn’t change the intent.
Hope you’re ok.

Original poster

WishItWasSunday · 20/09/2018 18:56

Thanks again for all the kind words, it’s really helping.
Still trying to fully work through what’s upsetting me most. I’m usually fairly tough, I do get a fair amount of abuse from time to time in my job, but I was almost naked and I got so scared. I knew how to tell him off but I also knew I was faking it, if that makes sense?
I’m worried about the girl. I’m worried that my ds is avoiding answering about her. He said he’s never smoked here before, that the weed was his friend’s. But he has smoked it before at parties. He’s being vague about how much he drank, I can count the cans (12) but I think some of the spirits are gone, not sure as I don’t really drink them.
And Dp is being weirdly horrible. Just not interested at all. And he said something about thinking my ds’s friend was gay so he wouldn’t have been interested in me or maybe he just wanted a “mummy cuddle” He wouldn’t repeat what he said but it sounded like that. He’s acting like I’m out for attention.

I think I need to talk to the friend’s parents. I don’t know how to exactly but I think it’s the right thing to do?

OP posts:

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/09/2018 19:02

Won't the police talk.to the boys parents? Or is he 18?

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 20/09/2018 19:23

Your DP sounds like prize wanker and the fact that he's minimising something that's shaken you so much just proves that he's worthless and you should probably get rid of him. If he was any kind of gentleman he'd be upset on your behalf and doing everything he could to help, rather than making stupid flippant comments like that.

LostInShoebiz · 20/09/2018 19:49

neither here nor there

I can’t believe I’m reading this. I honestly cannot believe people are justifying an intoxicated man assaulting a woman in her own home. What if she hadn’t pushed him off because she was more taken by surprise, or if he’d been stronger, or she’d been weaker (you know, like a stoned teenage girl). And DS passing it off as a cuddle is a red herring. Last time I checked it wasn’t appropriate to cuddle people without their permission.

justilou1 · 20/09/2018 22:48

I simply can’t believe you are comfortable calling someone who is being so thoroughly unsupportive when you have been assaulted in your own house “DP”! He is minimising everything you are saying and feeling about what has happened to you. Aren’t your thoughts and feelings and experiences valid at all? I know you have had a horrible experience, but surely this is compounding it, not helping things! I am beginning to why he is so concerned with justifying this young man’s reprehensible behaviour..... is he somehow involved with supplying them with the alcohol or the drugs? A truly concerned and involved partner would be furious on your behalf and would be protective. His behaviour is very strange.

Losingthewill1 · 21/09/2018 00:23

Dump the DP AND KICK THE SON out for good measure

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:49

KICK THE SON out for good measure
I feel about sorry for him actually.
I think we can safely assume the son didn't sanction the assault on his mother. As for the drinking and smoking, kicking him out for that would be a bit heavy handed, he has already he to answer to the police (rightly so) and I bet this will be enough to make him thibk twice in the future. I hope that the girl is just one of their girlfriends. Probably the DS's and he is just embarrassed about the whole thing hence his behaviour now.

WingsofNylon · 21/09/2018 06:49

Good morning. First I am so sorry. I said I was there for you and then my phone smashed. I'm pleased to see you had other people for support.

Your DP sounds rubbish. If he isn't in the picture much, would getting rid of him be so bad? Not that that is the major focus for the moment.

I'd have thought the police would talk to the boys parents. If it were me I wouldn't talk to them, you haven't any idea how they might react. Most parents want to believe their kids are perfect.

Keep reminding yourself that you did the right thing and this young man crossed a line. You did a great job of looking after yourself and removing him from your house. Try not to analyse why you feel the way you do. Adrenaline plus vulnerability can have all sorts of emotional results.

Do you have any concerns about the young woman's safety that night? Has your son opened up to you any more?

WingsofNylon · 21/09/2018 06:58

Having read through again I'm really angry for you regarding your DP. To play it down, try to tell you that you should have expected it and generally be so unsupportive is horrible. Please don't stay with someone who doesn't care for you.

Sparkletastic · 21/09/2018 07:06

I'd be ending things with 'D'P and setting some serious house rules for DS.

MmeButtox · 21/09/2018 07:36

I have suffered a similarly 'minor' assault and was also injured in the incident. It's terrifying to realise your own vulnerability as well as humiliating to be touched or exposed as you were. Take good care of yourself - do you have a friend who could, come spend some time with you? It's too hard to be alone and doesn't sound like the 'men' are being of much help. The best I can say for your son is I hope he's slinking around in shame, but your DP needs a reality check. What an unfeeling attitude.

WhoWants2Know · 21/09/2018 07:46

At the very least, I think you could do with some space from your DP to process everything. His responses while you're in a vulnerable state aren't helping and could lead to some serious dysfunction in your future relationship.

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2018 08:09

You will still be in some shock today op. Take the time to yourself. You don’t need to make any major decisions, you’ve made the right ones so far. I’m very unsure about your dp, at aminimum you don’t owe him anything. He has been horribly unsupportive. I don’t personally think you need to kick your ds out, hopefully he’s had a suitable shock. Just tell him that when you feel ready you and he will be having a talk.

WingsofNylon · 21/09/2018 15:19

How are you today, Sunday?

MmeButtox · 22/09/2018 02:14

"I got so scared. I knew how to tell him off but I also knew I was faking it, if that makes sense?" I'm so glad you were able to gather yourself enough to put him in his place like the pathetic brat he was. He should be utterly mortified at his actions - imagine doing such a thing to a friend's mum. Disgusting. But you put him down like a puppy. Well done you* Hopefully your recollection of re-asserting dominance (even if you were - sensibly - afraid) will help you heal from this trauma. I found EMDR really helped me, if you find the effects of this lingering.

*just to be clear I mean ZERO offence to ladies who have been unable to fight back - getting through a situation is the most important thing, however it is done.

Original poster

WishItWasSunday · 23/09/2018 01:12

Hi Wings I'm ok, a bit sad. Sorry for not coming back to here for a while.
I'm not kicking my DS out. We had a very long talk, and he's told me a few things I didn't know, about school, about feeling like he couldn't talk to me because I'm working odd hours a lot and think he's sorted but sometimes he isn't. He's really horrified by the fact I was scared. I think he didn't think I could be scared He's changed his mind on what he wants to do next year. His best friend (not the friend who was here) seems to have dumped him and he's feeling pretty upset about it. I hadn't really paid much attention to him lately, apart from the normal things. So it was good to talk. He's at his cousin's this weekend, they're close (cousin in his 20's).

Why I'm sad: I think I'm single. Which is fine, just completely took me by surprise. My P/ XP? came home and stayed here for a night. Was sweet and offered takeaway and cuddles, but kept making little comments and nasty jokes about flashing teenage boys and being a cougar. Then we went to bed and he wanted to be intimate, and usually I'm very happy as we don't see each other all the time so the spark is generally pretty strong. But I really wasn't in the mood, I wanted cuddles and to watch a movie and feel safe. He kept pushing and then acted all hurt and offended and rejected and I snapped at him. And he lost it. Told me I was attention seeking and desperate and threw in loads of other things including that I'd gained weight recently!
I told him to go and he went.

OP posts:

Twolittlebears · 23/09/2018 01:20

Sorry to hear about all your troubles OP. Your DP / X sounds like more trouble than he's worth.

Original poster

WishItWasSunday · 23/09/2018 01:20

So I'm sad. Not crying but sort of shocked. I don't really understand how it went from fairly ok to him saying really horrible things. And when I said I was feeling fragile he completely dismissed it, me saying it made him angry somehow?
Thank you to all the comments. WhoWants- Maybe you were right and I shouldn't have let P round.

OP posts:

Original poster

WishItWasSunday · 23/09/2018 01:22

Thank you Twolittlebears It's nice to have a reply. Most of my friends are early sleepers and I can't sleep right now

OP posts:

DolceFarNiente · 23/09/2018 01:41

I've just read through all this and I really feel for you Just as the others have said, I'm just so shocked at your "D"P's reaction.

You know when they say that at times like this you find out who your friends are? I also think that it's those times when you most need support that a good partner steps up and makes you feel understood and safe. Any normal man would want to kill a guy who attacked his DP. Your "D"P has shown you who he is - believe him!

I'm so sorry it took this to realise what a twat he is. It sounds like he was bearing a lot of resentment and it's all come out now as he just can't quite fake the supportiveness you expect of him.

Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 23/09/2018 07:43

Morning OP, sorry I’m not a night owl. I wish I could help. It’s awful that your partner is being such a twat. Do you have any close friends/family that you can speak to! Xx

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