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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To marry children's father for security rather than love

37 replies

GlassTeeth · 19/09/2018 23:12

I have been with my OH for 12 years and we have three children together but are not married. We have been talking about getting married, just to make things simpler if something was to happen to one of us.
He has recently bought the house that we have lived in for 10 years, and I will be putting 10-20 k of my savings towards extending the property.
It’ll make a lot of sense, for lots of reasons.

But I don’t really love him. He’s a shit dad and a shit and lazy partner.
But it works. We get on fine, we help each other, I can trust him. We only occasionally argue, usually when I get sick of his lack of help, so I blow my fuse. We live in a nice house in a great area close to school and family. At the moment I am so incredibly busy that I don’t have time to feel the discontent in the relationship that I inevitably will once again. Breastfeeding and lack of sleep have temporarily killed my libido and desire for intimacy, something which I don’t get and usually long for.
But I know that realistically, our relationship won’t last. I’m happy enough but before our youngest was conceived I fantasised about separating and meeting someone else, but it’s just so much easier to stay together. I have a good life and amazing children and I’m happy to stick at it until they’re grown. I do stay hopeful that the relationship isn’t completely dead, but I think we’ve mostly both given up and just plod along like housemates.
I’m also a bit concerned that my children will grow up thinking it’s normal to have a mostly disinterested father that does next to nothing to help.

So would I be unreasonable to marry the father of my children, knowing that it’s pretty much guaranteed to end in divorce eventually?
I don’t want to seem grabby, like I’m marrying him for the house, but he’s 20 years older than me, if he died then it would be complicated, with it going into trust for the children until they’re 18 I imagine? They’d obviously get it eventually so I don’t suppose it matters too much. But what if we separated before, I’m about to put most or all of my savings into it. Should I protect my investment? But then I’ve lived rent free for 10 years so I suppose it evens out, and as I said, our children will get the house either way.
Despite our relationship being crap, I do trust him more than my family to follow my wishes if need be, and I do care about him and will follow out his.
It just seems wrong or like we’re frauds or something.
Are there any negatives to getting married, well divorced? Would it be completely stupid?

OP posts:

Kay2705 · 19/09/2018 23:16

Don't do it. From reading your post it doesn't sound like you want to carry on being with him so I really don't think you should think of marriage. There is no point getting married for convenience if your heart isn't it. You deserve to be with someone you love and cherish etc.

Good luck! :)

dinosaurkisses · 19/09/2018 23:19

Are you on the mortgage? Do you work?

BMW6 · 19/09/2018 23:21

I think for the security of your 3 children marriage would be a wise move.
Nothing fraudulent about it - marrying for love is a recent development historically and still not the norm in loads of cultures.

Besides, you've already had 3 children with him so questioning whether you shouldn't marry him cos you don't love him seems a bit.......odd

garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/09/2018 23:21

He’s a shit dad and a shit and lazy partner

Where's the security in that?

I thought you were going to describe an amazing man who treated you like a queen but with whom there was no spark.

Don't marry him, I wouldn't stay with him either.

What happens when you meet someone you do love?

SpikyCactus · 19/09/2018 23:26

Marry him for security. If you decide to divorce him later on you’ll be in a much better position financially. And if he dies you’ll also be in a much better position. You’re not losing anything by marrying him because you don’t have anyone else you want to be with and you have no plans to leave him. If you’re staying with him anyway you might as well benefit from being married.

sanssherif · 19/09/2018 23:27

How did he buy a house when you'd been in it 10 years? Was it former social housing, if so was it in your name? Are you secure in the property?
I wouldn't live like that. I'd rather be alone (and am)
Mind you don't hold out for love. It's a very blurry concept and I'm not sure it is real, rather a figment of -usually women's- imagination and dreams of romance.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/09/2018 23:28

Well you are married in spirit, you’ve built a life together, have children...even if you refuse to marry him you’ll probably stay with him for x number of years umming and ah-ing about what to do...so I think marrying him would make sense practically.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2018 23:28

If you are planning on staying with him for the foreseeable future, get married. You need to protect your financial future.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 19/09/2018 23:28

I would say depends on the age of the kids.
No if they are all really young. The government is more reliable that a shit dad. Still got time to find someone better.
Middling age maybe. Logistics is easier with two.way up pros and cons.
14+ Possibly. Financially a good move. Your feelings might change without kids in the picture.

llangennith · 19/09/2018 23:32

Nothing wrong with marrying for security if it's a nice man but as he's a shit anyway don't do it.

BMW6 · 20/09/2018 09:41

I suppose the thing I just don't understand is that you have reservations about marrying him because he's 20 years older than you and a shit parent and lazy around the house...........yet you have had 3 children with this terrible marriage material? WTF?

reallybadidea · 20/09/2018 09:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, marriage protects you financially because it is almost inevitable that your career and lifetime earnings will have suffered due to having children.

You might be happier if you split up, but you don't seem to be ready for that, so in the meantime be pragmatic and protect yourself. I really feel for you, I think you're doing what you think is best for your children at the moment. In time though, please try and remember that you deserve happiness too.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/09/2018 09:51

Sorry, couldn't get past the bit where you said he was a shit dad and a shit, lazy partner. Why are you still with him never mind considering marrying him?
Life is too short to put up with a miserable life like this.

mummymeister · 20/09/2018 09:56

You do realise that this is the ONLY life that you get to live don't you OP? why have you settled? if he was a model father and husband then yes go ahead but really he isn't that much of a catch is he. and what about when the kids have grown up will you leave him then? and how do you think the kids are going to feel when they realise that there is no love in your relationship. they will as they get older notice you know.

Deadringer · 20/09/2018 10:01

You are living as a married couple, if you intend to continue doing so you might as well make it official imo. I think I would find it hard if he is a shit dad though, that is a bit of a deal breaker.

whatshappenednow · 20/09/2018 10:31

Marry him. If things turned acrimonious you’d be covered. Do it while he is willing, any day he might find someone new.

CreativeMumma · 20/09/2018 10:34

I don't think it's unreasonable, lots of people marry for different reasons.

Aethelthryth · 20/09/2018 10:35

It's a bit late to be asking this. You already have three children: you can't pretend that pursuing a romantic dream would be in their interests. Whether you actually marry or not, stability for the children should be the primary objective

sanssherif · 20/09/2018 11:20

You already have three children: you can't pretend that pursuing a romantic dream would be in their interests. Whether you actually marry or not, stability for the children should be the primary objective
It's not a bit late at all. I used my ex as a sperm donor, I didn't want to be with him really, but I wanted kids.
Stability can come from one parent. Happiness is also important. Being miserable means your kids are miserable. Forcing people who don't love each other to stay together 'for the kids' makes the kids miserable.

Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 11:22

"But I don’t really love him. He’s a shit dad and a shit and lazy partner".

Don't marry him. Leave the relationship.

Set a healthy role model for the children.

Mrsharrison · 20/09/2018 11:59

Yes marry him. Secure your future. If you split up and he marries someone else, his wife will inherit. Happened to my friend who paid half of everything and sometimes more. She lives in rented, him and his wife live in the old house now worth £900k.

My friend naively thinks her son will inherit it. It's messy. Marriage sorts out the messiness. Divorce later.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 20/09/2018 12:04

The question is actually whether or not you want to stay with him in the medium - long term. If you do and you're going through with the house purchase then get married for security. If not leave him now, separate your finances and obviously don't marry.

Greyponcho · 20/09/2018 12:11

Wouldn’t it work to just get your name on the mortgage and deeds of the house?

Loopytiles · 20/09/2018 12:12

Marry him asap with no fanfare / guests!

Original poster

GlassTeeth · 20/09/2018 13:50

Thanks for the comments.

Dinosaurkisses
Are you on the mortgage? Do you work?

There is no mortgage, he sold a property he had in another country and bought this one outright. I run a small business from home, working mostly evenings.

SpikyCactus
Marry him for security. If you decide to divorce him later on you’ll be in a much better position financially. And if he dies you’ll also be in a much better position. You’re not losing anything by marrying him because you don’t have anyone else you want to be with and you have no plans to leave him. If you’re staying with him anyway you might as well benefit from being married.

This is my thinking really…

I am far from miserable, I'm mostly pretty happy.
We are stable, which is good for all of us.
I think there’s a big difference between being unhappy/miserable and just having that niggling feeling of discontent. Sometimes it can be pretty hard to bear, I know, but I wouldn’t say I’ve been genuinely miserable for a long time.

I do plan to stay with him for the foreseeable future. 5, 10, 15 years? Like I said, I do have hopes that things might improve, but I’ve had them hopes for 10 years, realistically I know I’ll most likely eventually want out, and I’m aware that by then it might be too late to find someone knew, and that thought is kind of depressing…

BMW6
I suppose the thing I just don't understand is that you have reservations about marrying him because he's 20 years older than you and a shit parent and lazy around the house...........yet you have had 3 children with this terrible marriage material? WTF?

I don’t have reservations marrying him because he’s older, I just mentioned it as it’s relevant, he’s in his 50s, it’s probably that he will die many years before me.
Yep, it’s a bit shit to marry into this, but realistically, we’re all mostly happy, and comfortable.
It’s basically like I’m a single parent, but with perks I suppose. He’s not completely useless I suppose, and has surprised me with his abilities with our youngest child (14 months – we also have a 6 and a 10 year old) but his help is occasional, so much that it does surprise me when he does help.
Him being gone won’t achieve anything, really, other than giving me the option of meeting someone new.

Loopytiles
Marry him asap with no fanfare / guests!

Haha, yes! It’d be as small as possible, even if I was madly in love I wouldn’t want the whole big wedding thing.

OP posts:

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