To marry children's father for security rather than love

[GlassTeeth]

I have been with my OH for 12 years and we have three children together but are not married. We have been talking about getting married, just to make things simpler if something was to happen to one of us.
He has recently bought the house that we have lived in for 10 years, and I will be putting 10-20 k of my savings towards extending the property.
It’ll make a lot of sense, for lots of reasons.

But I don’t really love him. He’s a shit dad and a shit and lazy partner.
But it works. We get on fine, we help each other, I can trust him. We only occasionally argue, usually when I get sick of his lack of help, so I blow my fuse. We live in a nice house in a great area close to school and family. At the moment I am so incredibly busy that I don’t have time to feel the discontent in the relationship that I inevitably will once again. Breastfeeding and lack of sleep have temporarily killed my libido and desire for intimacy, something which I don’t get and usually long for.
But I know that realistically, our relationship won’t last. I’m happy enough but before our youngest was conceived I fantasised about separating and meeting someone else, but it’s just so much easier to stay together. I have a good life and amazing children and I’m happy to stick at it until they’re grown. I do stay hopeful that the relationship isn’t completely dead, but I think we’ve mostly both given up and just plod along like housemates.
I’m also a bit concerned that my children will grow up thinking it’s normal to have a mostly disinterested father that does next to nothing to help.

So would I be unreasonable to marry the father of my children, knowing that it’s pretty much guaranteed to end in divorce eventually?
I don’t want to seem grabby, like I’m marrying him for the house, but he’s 20 years older than me, if he died then it would be complicated, with it going into trust for the children until they’re 18 I imagine? They’d obviously get it eventually so I don’t suppose it matters too much. But what if we separated before, I’m about to put most or all of my savings into it. Should I protect my investment? But then I’ve lived rent free for 10 years so I suppose it evens out, and as I said, our children will get the house either way.
Despite our relationship being crap, I do trust him more than my family to follow my wishes if need be, and I do care about him and will follow out his.
It just seems wrong or like we’re frauds or something.
Are there any negatives to getting married, well divorced? Would it be completely stupid?

Get married asap because if you are planning on staying for 10+ years and he dies before you at least you can inherit as you'll be his next of kin. Currently you won't be entitled to anything and your children won't if he leaves you and marries somebody else and doesn't name them in his will. Just go down to the registry office and get it done simply and quickly.

You’d be mad to use your own savings to improve a property you have no claim over.

A good friend of mine split with her partner, father of her child. He was in a much better financial position than her, and was an absolute arse regarding money and the house. First thing her solicitor said to her was 'you should have got married'. If you are really OK with him, and thinking that you're perfectly happy to sit tight and see how things go, then yes, get married. Even though divorce can be a nightmare, it's more of a nightmare when you're left in the lurch with less legal weight behind you.

It's tempting to say be true to yourself, hold out for romantic love etc etc, but are you prepared to turn your children's lives upside down? If you plan on being with him for a while yet, and he's not such a shit dad that he's damaging your children in some way, marry him. In the event of divorce or him dying it would make you and your children much more financially secure. At the moment if he decided the grass was greener with someone else you and your children could end up with very little.

Wow. I wouldn’t. You will be raising kids who think this is what being a parent and spouse should be like. Marry for whatever reason you want but not someone who’s a shit partner and a shit parent.

In your positive I would have a small non church marriage. You are leaving yourself so vulnerable by remaining in married.

Marry him and get your financial affairs in order, at least in prepaying you do separate. Sounds like you’re not planning to go anywhere anyway so get it out of the way with no fanfare

Just get your name put on the deeds of the house cheaper than a wedding

Bit weird that you've had three kids with a shit dad, but what's done is done.

I think if we put most brides under hypnosis they'd admit they're marrying for practical, non romantic reasons. It's pretty sensible really, if you have kids.

what do you think marriage is about? there are so many different views - romantic love, religious union, financial security, social status, children's unity...
If you have frustrations in your relationship and in yourself, you will have them married or not. The only difference will be that legal status will give you more financial entitlement.
It seems from your posts that financial entitlement is a factor for you, so that points towards marriage.

I wouldn’t be with a shit partner let alone marry one!
What are you teaching your kids if you do this?

Unless he's aware that you're marrying him for security (money) and is fine with that (knowing that you'll probably divorce him) then no it's completely wrong! He'd be making a legal & emotional commitment to you that you have no intention of keeping.
If you want security then get your name on the deeds, draw up wills, whatever. Or just be honest with him!