To ask if you have friends whose beliefs and values don't match yours?

[PerverseConverse]

I don't mean religious beliefs.

I mean beliefs and standards around subjects such as relationships, parenting, breastfeeding, feminism, domestic abuse, marriage, politics?

I have a couple of friends who I am struggling with because our views are so different on subjects that are very important to me. I'm all for a good debate but they are so different to me that I've been distancing myself.

I'm probably ASD and do struggle with relationships so might just be me not being able to see their view.

And yes, I need new friends!

I have a friend who has recently had her first baby and is a very vocal anti vaccination.
She regularly posts stuff on Facebook and I try not to get dragged in.
So far she hasn't said anything to me about it in real life but I'm sure she will.

No, I couldn’t be friends with someone like that

Yes, I have friends with very different viewpoints to me. It all comes down to respect - I respect their views and they respect mine. Even on quite contentious subjects, we'll discuss without acrimony - no-one gets accusatory or judgmental, it's just a "Why do you feel like that? Hmm, interesting!" type conversation.

My views are important to me but as long as there's respect, I don't feel the need to distance myself from people just because they're different to me (although obviously this doesn't extend to people who are screaming racists and the like).

It depends on the topic - different view on how long to breastfeed - no problem.

Different view on racism, sexism, immigration homophobia, poverty, homelessness, and a few others - sorry but no I would not have them in my friendship group. I have reduced contact with a number of people for those very reasons.

I have to be polite to people with those views at work and a few other places but they would never be my friend.

Luckily I have a great friendship group where this is never an issue and they would feel the same as me if someone started spouting those views.

• should be opposing views not those views.

Yes, I have a good friend who's a vegan and another who's a Tory

Yes.

I have friends of different religions (I'm atheist) and who have very different political views to mine (from right wing Tory, momentum lefty to libertarian).

I'm not friends with them because of those things and so, for the most part it's not something that comes up wrt our social interactions. They know my views though - I don't hide the fact I'm atheist, feminist, Centre left leaning etc.

When it does come up it's in the context of respectful debate and we mainly agree to disagree.

I don't want to live in an echo chamber and only socialise with "people like me".

That said I did draw a line once and that was over parenting.

I frankly just couldn't cope with play dates/days out with a former friend who interpreted gentle parenting as having no boundaries whatsoever (I'm being specific because I know that's not what GP'ing is before I get corrected). Her child was bordering on feral and she would just sit there laughing at his antics as he trashed my home (drawing on walls, grinding food on the walls/carpet, smashing my sons toys etc).

I had to watch him all the time and then got criticised by friend if I stopped him from behaving badly.

It meant I wasn't as attentive to my own child and then he (unsurprisingly) starting copying these behaviours. That was the turning point - when her choices/views directly started to impact my parenting and my child's development.

I just ended up realising I couldn't do it any more and ended the friendship.

Whilst other friends have different religions/political views to me it's not something that leeches into my life or my children's and I feel that was the breaking point for me.

I did until about 6 months ago.
Many were friends I had had for years, we moved counties about 11 years ago but had kept in touch, we had popped in a couple of times when visiting our old county and they had come to us too.
It was just more and more obvious (via Facebook) that whilst we have grown up, they hadn't. Or we had the couple who were just disgustingly racist. I had another who told me i was wrong to not co-sleep when my son was a baby as I clearly wouldn't have a great bond with him as he wasn't breastfed as he was very early (He's 10 and we are quite normally bonded ).
I just unfriended the lot of them. Every single one. I felt I had to continue to keep in touch as I had known them for years but then decided after one incident that life is too short.
The incident that really did it for me was when I posted a video of the Vaisakhi parade in my village and racist tit made some horrific comment that made me cringe and embarrassed that others could think I held the same views, that was enough for me.
Now I don't worry everytime I post online that one of these lot will comment.

Yes I do, so long as there is respect for each other's views it works well.

Not fundamentally no. I have friends who have different political beliefs and friends who are religious (Im an atheist) but we all share the same basic values and actually we are quite clear on that.

We do debate the stuff we don't agree on but are always prepared to agree to disagree.

I have friends who would vote for different political parties, and friends with different religions and with no religion. I'm sure I have different views on all sort of things from all sorts of people. Like most posters, as long as you can respect people have different views, and choose to either debate / question / discuss, then it can work fine.

I think it would be an issue once those views start becoming extreme.

I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't share my opinion on domestic abuse, I couldn't be friends with someone who declared themselves to NOT be a feminist.

Other than that I have friends with all different kinds of attitudes and views. My best friends share most of my viewpoints though.

Glad you started this thread as I am struggling with just this at the moment!

I have always had loads of different friends, some with similar values etc.. some with completely different etc...

I've never really been judgey and have always valued meeting other people with different views etc and have always enjoyed and appreciated all my friends.

Unfortunately, now children are involved Im finding it much harder. I have a friend who I would most certainly continue a friendship with if neither of us had kids. However, the way she treats her kids is something I hugely struggle with. She is very neglectful and has completely different views on parenting to me. I feel sorry for her kids. I try not to judge but her parenting verges on extreme and I now find I'm distancing myself from her.

When kids r involved it's so much harder to appreciate the differences. Esp. When what others do may be negatively impacting the kids ...

Not sure I've really explained myself properly but there we go!

I have friends with very different beliefs to me (about all sorts of things) but not markedly differently values to me. Values are much more important IMO.

Increasingly, no. Ive less and less interest in exchanging views with people who differ on important issues.

Yep. A few things are deal breakers for me, notably racism. Other than that, no problem. Who's to say I'm right all the time?

Yes, of course.

I’m a remain-voting pinko liberal leftie Guardian reader. Some of my friends, and almost all of DP’s family are leave-voting Tories. Other friends are radical Greens whose politics I regard as illiberal and authoritarian.

They are still my friends. There are some things we agree about, and others we agree to disagree about.

The ability to be friends with people whose views you disagree with is an indicator of intellectual self-confidence.

I don't just have friends who have different beliefs and values, some family have differences too (some of them even support other football teams). I sometimes wonder if I met someone with exactly the same beliefs and values as me, whether I would hate them or maybe find we had nothing to talk about.

My brother supports my football teams local rivals

Yes. Because people who don't are generally pretty closed-minded.

I have people of various religions, really actively some of them and I'm a rapid atheist. I have a couple of proper Little England Tories. I have a really close friend whose family background and all that are very different to mine. And her outlook is as well. She believes in smacking.

The things they all have in common is that they are honest, kind and ethical. I couldn't be friends with arseholes.

Yes I have a friend who is single track minded on one issue, and she simply will not countenance any thought or POV that isn't exactly her opinion on this topic. You can't even have a civil chat to try and see her side, she just gets in your face and starts lobbing insults the minute you ask a simple question.

I have (emotionally) moved right away from her but I guess residual affection and outright morbid curiosity keeps me in touch (Facebook mainly).

I think the PP who talked about they and their friends having different views but the same values is spot on.

I struggle with this lately. Brexit ref has made me realise some of my friends have racist views they have kept to themselves before now. It has genuinely shocked me.
Very difficult as one couple have been very good friends we have shared holidays with. He now openly espouses fairly extreme right wing views. I look at some of his fb posts and thing “ I don’t want to be in the same room as you”

Yes. Important not to exist in an echo chamber. I have learnt things from friends I disagree with and they have learnt things from me.

Yes. Important not to exist in an echo chamber

I do agree with this I have friends of different political or lifestyle persuasion and enjoy many a discussion but some views are beyond the pale