To think I was unlucky in life

[confusedmummy76]

Preparing to be flamed. AIBU to think that had I been dealt better cards in life I would have achieved so much more? I'll try and briefly explain ad much as I can but will no doubt be accused of drip feeding lol.
So had a fairly decent upbringing. With a bordering on abusive parent who emotionally broke my heart. I'll try and narrow it down as I would be here for days typing.

Decent childhood, abusive father who did love me but hit my sister, mother was under the thumb. We were ditched for another woman as a teenager. Still helped financially have since been homeless and still completed a degree. He has cut contact and hasn't seen his 4 grandchildren in 4 years. Thinking he might be my problem with abandonment and relationships. I can't think of anything too add so please don't accuse of drip feed xxx

Emotional abuse is hard to get over. (my mother was the same). So yes it wasn't ideal, but you got a degree despite it.That's amazing & a real achievement. I now (after therapy) realise I was a handy scapegoat for a sad, bitter person & realise making my life happy is best way to get over it. A close friend had an abusive father & is still 'in it' & it affects everything', but she hasn't had therapy: the one time she did she refused to talk to the therapist. (she's got a no one could ever understand 'thing'). I'd get some therapy & tell yourself it's the first step to moving on.

I think a start like that in life definitely is unlucky. I know I was very lucky to have loving parents and a happy childhood and that has helped me enormously.

It might be helpful to you to acknowledge the realities of your childhood to yourself and then also acknowledge that you have managed to complete a degree and presumably are a much better parent to your own children. You can't give yourself a good childhood but you can (and seem to be) doing the best you can with what you had if that makes sense.

I'm definitely giving my kids a good childhood. But I fear there may be elements seeping through. At the time
I tbought life was good. We weren't hungry, had clothes and nice birthdays and xmas. But there must be more to life

As I'm parents being influential, not verbal abuse, no abandonment , physical abuse to my sister and mum. Alcohol abuse.

As in *

@CSIblonde I've not long started therapy

Thanks for no advice

Achieved more in what regard, OP? What do you feel you should/could have done if dealt a better hand?

Wish I had a better upbringing. Fed up with having to fight for every little piece of life. I suppose I'm bitter!

Honestly, that's not uncommon. I know a lot of people who were in similar (some identical) situations. The leaving daughters during teenage hood (especially if he had previously doted on them) thing causes massive issues in relationships. But the majority of people I know with that kind of upbringing did just fine. Not as well as they should have like you said. But fine. The reality is that most people experience 'unlucky' or disruptive events in their lives, often during crucial formative years. It's a part of life and you just have to move on.

I had an awful childhood but am thoroughly enjoying being an adult.
Is there something that’s particularly made you feel upset about the past?

I know I found my first child’s early years difficult at times as it really brought home how little my parents cared or understood what I needed from them.

Therapy is tough but good with the right person. If you feel safe with your practitioner, I definitely agree with PPs on this.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Emotional wounds can be much harder to heal than physical sometimes.

YANBU.
I'm bitter too. I wonder who and what I would be if I had a different childhood. You can't 'move on' because it forms you. You can aim to accept it, but I haven't got there yet.
I think having children makes it worse because the difference between their childhood experiences and mine is so obvious and huge.

Your upbringing will impact you. However, at some point you can't keep blaming your past for every little thing forever.

You father leaving imoacted how you look at things, process things, react etc. You need to seek help to change those things.

I know, dad left, step dad left, mum had severe mental health issues, mu husbsnd became and abusive cunt etc.

It's caused me issues and maybe I would being a better place if that hadn't of happened. But maybe I wouldn't have been. Who knows.

It sounds like a cliche, but you can’t change the past, so change the future. What happens to you tomorrow and beyond is down to you, down to the choices you make.

You sound like you are doing well-degree, kids etc/. Hopefully seeing s therapist will help you realise that.

I don't blame my past on any mistakes I make. However, I strongly feel that my experiences have led to me sometimes making crap decisions or doing things I shouldn't. I take responsibility for my actions.

I'm trying my best at life and for the most part feel like I'm doing alright. I often wonder if I had had a better life I would be a better person and more successful.

What is it that you think you would have achieved?

Your life might have been more successful or you may have made different decisions. Those different decisions, may have made you life better....But there's a chance it could have made it worse.

Sitting and thinking that your life would have been better, isn't really sensible. Because you have no idea.

Everyone has difficulties at some point in their life. No one can control what happens to them, really, you can only control how you respond to it. The way I see it is there's no point in wasting energy being bitter about things that have already happened. If you do that you are giving your problems power over you. Focus on what you can do to make the future as good as it can be. In my view that's the only way to approach life; otherwise we'd all just take to our beds and wallow in misery.

You may well have had a crap start in life, and it is possible that with a better start you would have achieved more. However, its not certain.
The fact is that the hand you were dealt was the hand you were dealt.
you can spend the rest of your life wishing, and it won't change a thing.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you now need to concentrate on not ruining the rest of your life by wishing you could erase the past.
Accept that your father was a bit rubbish (im not trying to downplay anything you experienced, but let you see that that is just another thing you cant change). You said that you are trying hard not to make the mistakes your father did, and I am sure that is true. but the more you brood over it the more likely you are to repeat the past with your own children.
Hopefully your counselling will allow you to let go and move on. The past is unchangeable, but the future can be whatever you want it to be. Stop looking behind you and start making your future

I had a terrible childhood, like truly awful, care, adoption which was no better, now NC with adoptive parents.
Anyway I always said that people shouldn’t blame thier past for thier life now etc etc you just had to get on with it.
However since having kids and especially when they got to the age I was when I was adopted etc I’ve changed my mind.
Everything I had held in came crashing out and it’s taken me a lot of reading up and looking inwards to understand how it has all affected me and they way I do and feel things now.
I wish I had this revelation a lot earlier as I feel I would have approached life differently and made different choices

I still think your past can’t be an excuse but it is a reason and understanding it all will help you in your future.
I try my hardest that my kids have a better childhood than me, which isn’t hard but I have to be careful I don’t go too far the other way and over compensate!

Shawn Achor has written some good books about making positive choices.

He has a good Ted Talk, too.

It's maybe not to do with achievements. But more so the way I react to things, behave, sabotage relationships, constantly go for the wrong men and have low self esteem

I understand what you mean. I had an unhappy childhood which started with the loss of my mother as a baby. It is only really since becoming a parent myself though that I have realised just how much it has impacted on me and affected my life. My children have a lovely secure childhood and I feel so happy that I'm able to give them what I didn't have- I choose to see that as my biggest achievement, even if my MH hasn't allowed me to achieve as much in other ways.

I also feel that my mental health is shit and to be honest I just make terrible decisions and do things on impulse which I later regret

As awful as it is, OP, I think the thing that stands out most is that you admit to feeling bitter.

Bitterness is like envy; pointless and destructive. It's fine to feel it, it's an inevitable part of life from time to time, but when it's 'big' bitterness like yours it will eat away at you and erode potentially happy moments and memories.

I know it's easy to say work on your mental health but as someone who has been through an awful childhood, too, I know how vital it is to improve your mental health. Work on that however you can and whenever you can until you find a way to put the bitterness aside.

@Idontbelieveinthemoon I agree 100%. I need to work on my MH and try and drop the bitterness and hopefully everything else will fall into place