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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at people not controlling their children in the school playground

43 replies

CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:01

How do you deal with people not disciplining their kids when they are doing something that is just not on?

My daughter was essentially pinned to the wall by one of her friends this morning when they were playing a game, this friend is a lot taller than her and my DS couldn't have moved, even if she wanted to. Another friend stood to the side, this girl had pinned my DS to the wall, her hands on the wall either side and was making roaring lion noises in my DS face.

I went up and asked DS if she was ok, she said she liked playing the game, I said I didn't think it was a good way to play - AIBU?

The trouble is, DS has had problems before with this girl, she literally used to drag her around and play really, mega rough with her, and her parents never say anything to her about it, I don't think they see it as a problem, think they are just 'playing'.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/09/2018 11:04

I went up and asked DS if she was ok, she said she liked playing the game, I said I didn't think it was a good way to play - AIBU?

Who was playing, you or your dd? YABU.

elQuintoConyo · 19/09/2018 11:06

I'm lost... Who is who?

Subtlecheese · 19/09/2018 11:07

Your daughter / son ( not clear as you put ds and said daughter) didn't mind, unless you think s/ he is intimidated by this other child then they were playing. Rough is very subjective. Certainly rough and tumble play is an essential part of developing hand eye coordination and distance judging skills.
Being dragged around is usuall fine without injury.
No harm no foul?

MsOliphant · 19/09/2018 11:08

DD or DS Confused

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/09/2018 11:10

YANBU!

I had to have words with someone else’s child this morning in the playground because he was deliberately hurting my son and his own mom didn’t seem to care.

crazycatlady5 · 19/09/2018 11:11

If your child said ‘mum I don’t like what X is doing’ you could have told the child as much, but seems your DS / DD was fine?

RedSkyLastNight · 19/09/2018 11:17

Well were they playing, or was the other child hurting her?

If they were playing, no need for parent to step in. If the other child was hurting her, you needed to be more forceful with what you said.

MsOliphant · 19/09/2018 11:19

What do you think happens at breaktime when there are no parents to control their children in the playground?

Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:21

Sorry, I have a son and daughter, brain was still firing up - it was DD.

Hadn't thought about the development and judging @Subtlecheese - every cloud, I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:23

@zerofuchsgiven why do you think I was being unreasonable? Because I was making that choice for her, and imposing how I felt on her? Is that what you mean?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/09/2018 11:24

This is one of those situations where without actually being there you wouldn't know what to make of it.
Some kids do play rough with out meaning any malice.

Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:25

@crazycatlady5 I suppose because of the history I maybe overreacted, this girl has done things before DD hasn't liked but she hasn't had the courage to tell her so, and then I've had to deal with the fallout from it at home.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/09/2018 11:27

@CocoCabanarama. Yes, exactly that really, she said she liked playing the game. She wasn't coming to any harm yet you involved yourself by telling her it wasn't a good game to play.

Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:27

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I think you're right it probably reads quite petty unless you were there, I guess I have to maybe widen my view in terms of playing styles a bit more, but it just wasn't acceptable and didn't sit comfortably with me.

OP posts:
minipie · 19/09/2018 11:29

Your child told you she was fine Confused

Why would you expect the other parents to intervene when the children are happy?

Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:30

@RedSkyLastNight she wasn't hurting her, though through her playing in the past she has, but if I was in DD position I'd have found it very intimidating and claustrophob, but maybe that's me projecting too much

OP posts:
minipie · 19/09/2018 11:30

Just make sure your DD knows she can and should protest when she doesn’t like something

Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:32

@minipie maybe I need to learn to take a step back, I wouldn't have wanted my DD doing that to another child though, I'd worry that it was intimidating and I know they've no real concept of personal space yet but i just wasn't comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 19/09/2018 11:33

I wouldn’t like a child to pin my daughter up against a wall even if it was playing. I’d point out that it’s not appropriate to hold her there and why don’t you do xyz instead

Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:33

@minipie maybe I overreacted knowing that DD hasn't had the courage to speak up for herself in the past, but I suppose I maybe need to take a step back a bit, I'm not there all day am I? And she has to learn. Maybe I'm not helping her by intervening.

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:35

@Blondebakingmumma this is it. I was really uncomfortable with it, I think it's overstepping a boundary, but reading some of the other responses on here, I'm thinking I could have approached it a bit differently. I like the way you've put about it not being appropriate and suggesting something else.

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:38

@QueenofmyPrinces it's been good taking everyone's comments on board, and good to know that I'm at least not the only one!

It's difficult accepting other people's tolerance levels at time, and different parenting approaches, but I guess I include myself in that too - none of us are perfect.

OP posts:
Original poster
CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:39

@MsOliphant good point ha, ha! Perhaps I should remind myself of that next time.

OP posts:
GrimSqueaker · 19/09/2018 11:59

Kids can be playing perfectly happily but it looks bloody awful to an outsider. I'm remembering one birthday party I took DD2 to last year where the boys (and I'm anti-gender stereotyping but this was that particular group of boys) basically just play fought for 2 hours and it was like some kind of roving brawl going on.

Your child wasn't bothered by it is the main thing. I've worked a lot of teaching mine to say loudly and clearly (as clearly as my younger can with her speech problems) "stop it I don't like that" if it gets too much.

Also throwing out just so you have it in mind if it's relevant in another situation... my youngest has dyspraxia and it's really scrambled her brain in terms of spatial relationships (which is great when she's trying to give you car parking advice and telling you to try to get a family saloon into a 30cm wide gap) and her personal space is all completely off. I gently remind her to step back a little bit but naturally she seems to believe that all conversations are required to take place while being so squished up close to you she'd put a bloody cat to shame!

Goldenbear · 19/09/2018 12:00

YANBU, I have had this and yes, I think it was how this girl interacted with my child in the school day at break. My DD had her coat chucked everyday and got swung roughly by her coat hood- she was friends with the girl and really enjoyed her company and high spiritedness but didn't assert herself over the above issues as she didn't want to lose her as a friend. I spoke to the teacher in the end and DD was a lot happier after that.