AIBU to be pissed off at people not controlling their children in the school playground

[CocoCabanarama]

How do you deal with people not disciplining their kids when they are doing something that is just not on?

My daughter was essentially pinned to the wall by one of her friends this morning when they were playing a game, this friend is a lot taller than her and my DS couldn't have moved, even if she wanted to. Another friend stood to the side, this girl had pinned my DS to the wall, her hands on the wall either side and was making roaring lion noises in my DS face.

I went up and asked DS if she was ok, she said she liked playing the game, I said I didn't think it was a good way to play - AIBU?

The trouble is, DS has had problems before with this girl, she literally used to drag her around and play really, mega rough with her, and her parents never say anything to her about it, I don't think they see it as a problem, think they are just 'playing'.

Coco I think it was fine that you asked your DD if she was ok, especially since she hasn’t spoken up in the past. No issue with doing that.

However that’s different from criticising other parents for not controlling their children (as per your thread title).... clearly in this case there was no need for the other parents to control their child.

I think it is tricky. I’m quite big on personal space and always brought mine up that play fighting really wasn’t ok (fine with pretend swords or whatever, but not actual physical contact). Other parents are a lot more tolerant of things like that, and the kids wrestling or whatever. It’s not a case of right or wrong as such but it can be difficult when you’re at different ends of the spectrum of what’s ok, and when small kids have issues asserting appropriate boundaries (and then someone gets hurt and it all ends in tears).

@Grimsqueker that made me laugh, yeah, you're right, it probably looks and sounds worse to an outsider.

Good to have your insight on the dyspraxia too.

I will work with DD on how to positively stand her ground, if she feels the need to, and try to step back a bit more.

@minipie yes, perhaps wrote my post rather hastily, but glad I did in a way as it has made me question my own viewpoint a bit - maybe the other girls Mum is writing a post about overbearing Mums who meddle in kids games somewhere else on MN :-)

Parents aren't allowed in the school playground at my kids school. I think it's quite a good idea as no one feels they have to intervene with someone else's child.

@Goldenbear it's difficult when they struggle setting boundaries isn't it, even though it's obviously completely normal.

I'm fully expecting that I will have to deal with the fallout of it all when DD comes home from school....

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer yeah, this is what it boils down to.

@treaclesoda that's interesting, certainly takes a lot of pressure off!

If your child was happy I don't see the problem. Kids should be allowed to play slightly rough games - it's great for development and learning about risks etc. Obviously if your daughter was actually not comfortable but didn't feel able to protest then I see why you intervened. The best you could do would be to make sure your daughter feels able to say no firmly when a game is too rough. The other child should absolutely always respect a no in a physical game.

As a child I would have been mortified if my mother interfered in a school playground game.

@PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall yeah, I hadn't really considered the whole development and learning side of things, I think because I didn't see it as play, even though it was.

@choli fair comment, although DD is only 5 - we never had parents in the playground when we were young, I travelled by bus and everyone else lived right beside the school so their parents dropped the, at the gate and that was that but I'm talking the 80's.

I also wanted to make sure DD was comfortable, she isn't good at speaking up for herself, and she didn't look like she was in a comfortable situation.

@choli what would you have done as a parent?

Sounds to me like you were getting in the way of a game they were both enjoying tbh.
If your dd is not very confident to say when she doesn’t like something then you need to work on that. Practice her saying ‘stop, I don’t like that’ or something. Other children can’t always be expected to know that your child doesn’t like something if she doesn’t tell them so if she doesn’t learn to speak up she is going to end up getting upset by other children just trying to play.

I think 5 is still very young when it comes to a child knowing how to assert their boundaries. It sounds like the other child has no problem overstepping them so it's certainly the case that you have to definitively know whether she is genuinely comfortable with that dynamic or she was just saying it. It's perfectly acceptable for a young child to be confused by this as they may enjoy the excitement of being friends with this kind of child but feel uncomfortable with this level of roughness, it's important for them to know that they can feel both things. My DD is now 7 and is very good at asserting herself, she wasn't at 5 though.

@PorkFlute I guess I maybe need to take a step back a bit, I perhaps was too quick to interfere given the history with the girl she was playing with, but I suppose I should remember that's the past and not the present.

@GoldenBear thanks for that, I guess I can maybe have a light chat about things. It's good to hear your DD is so good at asserting herself now.

@choli what would you have done as a parent?

I would have waiting until after school to discuss it with my daughter.