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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - child contact

43 replies

Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 10:14

EXH has told 11 year old DD that homework and extra curricular activities should be kept for the nights she doesn't see him (he collects from school tuesdays and thursdays 3.30-6.30).

If she cant manage to do her homework on the other days then she needs to stop her extra curricular school activities like netball or drama.

She is getting between and hour to two hours a night at the moment.

Is he being unreasonable or should her contact time with her dad not be used to do her homework/extra curricular?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/09/2018 10:17

Crikey! How bold is she? Could she tell him that she won't be failing her exams just to please him?

At 11 he is running the risk that she will just stop seeing him! I am guessing you don't get on well, so you couldn't discuss it with him? The bit about her having to give up her chosen fun stuff is a bit of a gvie away!

ScottyDog7 · 19/09/2018 10:21

So he sees his daughter for 6 hours a week? Tbh I think it's fair that they should be doing something fun together during that time. Depending on travel time during their 3 hour evenings together maybe a bit of the easier homework together before or after tea, but I'd say no more than 30 mins or so.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 19/09/2018 10:27

I know it might not be what you want to hear but if he only sees her for 3 hours on a Tuesday and 3 hours on a Thursday I can sort of see his point. Especially if the clubs last an hour then he would be collecting her from club feeding her tea and by then it would be time for her to go back to yours.

Granted if it is his choice to only have her during this time and he could see her more then that changes things slightly.

Subtlecheese · 19/09/2018 10:28

It sounds like he is manipulating a situation where she will refuse to see him.
Maybe send the school's expectations on homework through as like many a nrp maybe he has no idea what they are - certainly I'd expect more than 30 mins at age 11!
He's a real parent, if she has something to do he should support it, parenting isn't all trips to the cinema, to be fair he should also let her know plans so she can plan her time accordingly as well.

DancingDot · 19/09/2018 10:28

We wouldn't be able to do that - DS has to hand homework in daily. Eg. He gets homework on Mon to be handed in on Tuesday, another task on tues to be handed in on Wed etc. It would be impossible for him to stockpile homework. I can see your ex's frustration if he has limited time with his daughter though - six hours is pitiful but I don't know the back story. If it is possible to compromise I would - her realtionship with her dad is important and it would be a shame to risk it over something as petty.

I also think that 1-2 hours homework a night is WAAAY too much for an 11 year old child. Particularly one who is also doing after school activities. Why so much? In Scotland homework (primary) is not compulsory. It may also be worth talking to the school and asking if all of the homework is necessary given that she is learning other skills at her activities .

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 10:38

Its high school. Homework is set nightly, some for the next day, some for over the next week.

Her after school activities are on the nights he doesnt see her.

He lives too far away to travel back to his house so one night takes her to his parents for tea, the other night DS has swimming lesson so they eat tea in the car, walk around the shops a bit then go swimming.

She asked if she could sit at the side and do her homework whilst DS on lesson but he wont allow her. She has to swim too.

He has them at his house EOW, surely she has to be allowed to do her homework at the weekend?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/09/2018 10:39

Is she home by 6.30 pm then ?
She could do some homework after.
Why doesn't he see her on weekends?
Maybe she can see him weekends instead if she wants to do drama etc on "his" days
She wil need to learn negotiating skills with him over whats important to her
You can point out value of drama and team games . But presumably she has weekdays without clubs?
What does she want ?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 19/09/2018 10:40

Maybe write in her planner that her df won't allow homework at his house - and enclose his phone number.
He is a fucking idiot.
Or maybe he thinks it will be too difficult for him to help her!!

cestlavielife · 19/09/2018 10:42

Oh
Bit controlling then

What happens when she has her period will he force her to use tampons and swim ?

endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2018 10:42

I think you should talk to her teacher and maybe they will talk to him.
The swimming lesson thing is silly. She could get a piece of homework done easily.
I used to take paperwork to dd's swimming classes.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 19/09/2018 10:43

She has 1-2 hours homework a night? At 11 years old?? Shock

cestlavielife · 19/09/2018 10:45

She is going to have to start saying she needs to do homework and she does it at his and he facilutates that

or she goes to his later and does it at home

She is getting to age where she can decide to go or not and he is going to push her away...

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 19/09/2018 10:46

He has them at his house EOW, surely she has to be allowed to do her homework at the weekend?

Has he said she cannot do it on the weekends, I took it to mean he just doesn't want her time being eaten up by homework on the 2 week days?

It does sound like she has a busy day on the Thursday and it would be tricky to fit it in and whilst there's no reason she cannot do it on the Tuesday. Surely she still has plenty of time to do so if she gets back to yours for just after 6.30.

I am surprised at the 1-2 hours a night though, I'm wondering what the homework load going to look like in 2-3 years time.

KC225 · 19/09/2018 10:52

And when her grades slip, it will be ALL YOUR fault.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 10:55

She has her period now and thankfully he doesn't make her swim.

He was very controlling (verbally, emotionally and financially abusive) during the marriage and any time she says no, questions him etc he sees it as me making her do those things.

He doesnt see he is pushing her away. I talk positively about him, their relationship but im very conscious its getting to the point I'm allowing her to be part of an abusive relationship with her Dad. Hes lovely until questioned. I need to find the fine line between empowering her to speak her mind but not speak my mind if that makes sense.

But how do i do that without making him look bad. He is unreasonable but i cant tell her that, she knows herself but is worried he wont speak to her. When she has questioned things in thr past he just brings her home and contact is done.

But im expecting her to be able to speak to him in a mature and adult way that i struggle to do because of his controlling nature. She doesnt want to upset him as he piles on the guilt.

OP posts:
sue51 · 19/09/2018 11:11

I think your DD would be very tired after a day at school followed by swimming then an hour or twos homework. She would be on the go till about 9 oclock. Can he be made to see that's too much for a girl who has just started secondary school?

RedSkyLastNight · 19/09/2018 11:15

Agree that an hour or two a night seems excessive for an 11 year old anyway.
But ... if he only sees her till 6.30, why can't she do her homework after that?

llangennith · 19/09/2018 11:20

Why do you care about making him look bad? He's already showing his true colours to your DD. You should be supporting her not trying to validate his controlling behaviour.
Maybe she should just stop seeing him so she can get on with her life, including homework.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 11:31

Thats a decision only she can make LLangennith. And she needs to come to that decision herself.im not validating his behaviour. She is modelled the correct behaviour and we discuss what is right and wrong and how certain actions make people feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 11:33

I have to be aware that he is her dad, she loves him and is very conflicted. Its not as easy as saying to her he is a shite dad yes, just ignore him. I wish it was.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/09/2018 11:57

I get it. It s complex.

Younger dd now 16 has issues with wanting to please her dad and not upset him. I say that I support her in her decisions. That yes her decision might lead to dad thinking or saying x but that is his decision too . To react in that way. That it s ok for her to say sorry can't see you tonight I am.meeting my friends. I will see you Sunday.

So.you can tell her that homework.is important and it would be uneasonable of anyone to say she cant do.it because she "has to " swim instead. That people can choose how they react and adults and other people dont always make the right choices. Is the swimming pre paid and alesson or is it an option paid on the day? She can say, tonight I really have to do this instead of swimming. If he says "so homework.is.more important than swimming with me" she can say yes tonight I have to do.my homework but we will have time later/on the weekend together. You can reiterate that doing homework does not mean she loves him less. Push those messages.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 12:15

Thank you Cestlavielife, that's what ive been trying to do.

I believe that his current reaction is as a result of my partner being more involved in day to day family life.

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 19/09/2018 12:28

Op, have you spoken to him to find out if this is genuinely what he has said? I only ask because my dss used the "dad won't let me do it at his" card when he got a couple of detentions for not doing homework. His dm went fucking mental at us and threatened to remove contact. It simply wasn't true. We ask every time they are here if they have homework and they no the rule is no computer games/phones/playing out til homework is done.

He lied to his school and to his dm and created ww3 because he wouldn't own his actions. She doesn't think her son could ever lie.

I am not saying this is definitely the case for your dd, but it might be a way in to the conversation with him. As in "I am sure there has been a misunderstanding, but dd has said she isn't to do homework with you. Just wanted to fact check because it rely is important that she does it every night" and see what he says

Veterinari · 19/09/2018 12:38

I think the bigger issue is that you need to support her in asserting herself against her father, even if that means upsetting him, and encouraging her to realise that it is not ok for a man to control her. Otherwise you are normalising this abudive behaviour for her future relationships

I think getting the school involved in the homework issue might be helpful - then it’s coming from them, not you.

Good luck OP, it sounds tough.

PinkCherryBlossomTree · 19/09/2018 12:48

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