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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - child contact

43 replies

Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 10:14

EXH has told 11 year old DD that homework and extra curricular activities should be kept for the nights she doesn't see him (he collects from school tuesdays and thursdays 3.30-6.30).

If she cant manage to do her homework on the other days then she needs to stop her extra curricular school activities like netball or drama.

She is getting between and hour to two hours a night at the moment.

Is he being unreasonable or should her contact time with her dad not be used to do her homework/extra curricular?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 12:51

I cant check with him, i dont have his number, e mail or home address and he wont communicate verbally unless its on his terms i.e on my door step and loudly in front of the kids and neighbours

He has been instructed to e mail me but he won't as he says im controlling him. But thats a whole other story.

He plays the victim very well. I think contacting thr school is good advice and to carry on empowering her to voice her needs. As me voicing them for her (at her request) leads to him believing its my issue.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 19/09/2018 12:56

i dont have his number, e mail or home address

Wait do you really have no contact details for him. Shock What would he do if he needed to contact you in an emergency e.g. your daughter was taken to hospital?

Dorkdiary · 19/09/2018 13:00

I can understand him not wanting after school activities in the limited time he has with his children so that's not an issue.
What activities she does when with you as long as you don't expect him to pay and they are legal are nothing to do with him.

He's being an arse on the homework though. I know it's annoying when he's only got limited time but if she's getting it daily it's part of parenting.

Dorkdiary · 19/09/2018 13:05

Sorry just seen that she's home at 6.30pm. has she had dinner by then ? Surely at 11 she could do it then. It's not idea if she is shattered after school and swimming but loads of kids do this.
He should be letting her do her homework at the weekend though. If she's stressed with school she will probably just decide not to go soon.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 13:21

He has my details, we just dont have his. The kids can Skype him but i cant.

The after school activities are linked to school. Netball team and drama.

She could do her homework after she gets home. Its not ideal though. I feel as though as a family we still bend over backwards to facilitate his needs though. The only person comprising is her.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2018 13:34

I think assuming that she eats with him on a weekday evening and doesn't have to do that after 630.

On the day they swim, I would say she should do anything that is a 1 day turn around for the next day but if possible do anything else at another time. She should swim when she can. Exercise is good! Is there somewhere she can work instrad of touring the shopping centee? Or is there an after school homework group she can attend and he collect an hour later if that works with the swim lesson?

On the day she goes to grandma's she should do some - maybe up to an hour but also make sure she spends time with grandma/dad.

On weekends however then of course she needs to do her work. If she is getting 2 hours a night /10hrs a week then the 1/1.5hrs she is getting done on his days, means 3hrs+ on other the other 3 nights which is way too much.

Definately if it's possible get school to explain the homework expectations to him.

LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2018 13:37

Also just realised as I type - DS is allowed a swimming lesson but DD not allowed to do after school activities?

Does she have a planner / homework schedule? Could she show him this and use it to explain what sheen needs to do to keep up?

Busy77 · 19/09/2018 13:48

What I think is really unfair is he is refusing her to do her homework on his contact hours making it twice as difficult for you to have downtime/Funtime with her as she will always be trying to catch up.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 19/09/2018 13:52

He has my details, we just dont have his. The kids can Skype him but i can't.

This is just another way of controlling you, isn't it? What an utter tosspot he is.

Your DD needs help in standing up to him. She needs to know that him being upset or angry about her choices isn't her problem to deal with, and that she can't spend her life making him happy.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 19/09/2018 13:55

Does he also see her at the weekend. I don't think he should get to be a fun time dad and not do any of the homework and less exciting bits of parenting.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 14:39

He sees them EOW and they stay at his house. They did their primary school homework with him but she hasnt been since starting high school. She believes he wont let her do all of it. Shes getting stressed and worried about it and its so unfair.

It is very controlling behaviour. I had to accept he wouldnt change and its taken me 4 years and lots of counselling to accept out non parenting relationship cant be fixed and he wont change his behaviour.

I just wish she didnt have to have the same realisation at some point.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/09/2018 14:42

Encourage dd to speak to school counsellor or form tutor

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 14:42

Part of being a parent, is doing the things that are not enjoyable and she needs to do her homework. Is there a homework club at school?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 14:43

I would also explain the situation to the school too, and see if they can take the stress of her.

Original poster
Chucklecheeks1 · 19/09/2018 14:53

There is a homework club after school but he wont allow her to go as hed have to wait around for her.

She is on thr waiting list to see a counsellor who specialises in situations like this as she had been getting upset in how he ignotes her wishes etc.

The split was shocking as he mived strsigt in with his girlfriend (OW) nd intridyced the lids. They love her, im grateful they do. But she struggles with the emotions behind it and how her dad treats me.

Its been helpful writing this down as i realise im in no way being unreasonable

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 14:54

Wow he sounds awful. Hopefully the school will understand and help her as it is out of her hands. Poor girl Sad.

LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2018 20:35

Does she want to go to the homework club? Would she see that as a help? If she would I would be tempted to book her in (so that she is 'allowed' from the school perspective if that applies in secondary) and let school know the issue. If he insists on picking her up and goes to school looking for her then it would open the conversation perhaps? Not sure whether this would work - mine are in primary so not sure how the set up works in secondary.

You are definately not being unreasonable. If he only saw her in the week then I could see it, but she cannot only do homework every other weekend she is going to get behind which will do her no favours at all.

She needs to speak up - at school or to her dad. Sadly she will get the response you expect from him, but she needs to get school to help.

Could she/you speak to his mother - tell her that she needs to get this work done - could she make a space for her at her house to work - kind of thing?

Such a tough one.

HighwayDragon1 · 19/09/2018 20:43

Email her head of year/pastoral manager for her year group and explain the situation. They will be able to tell her teacher what is happening which should avoid any sanctions for none completion of homework (as long as she's all round good student and doesn't take the piss)

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