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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on holiday with DM again

31 replies

Wineandpyjamas · 19/09/2018 10:11

Hi all - this is my first time posting in AIBU but I really want to know if I’m BU or not.

Me, DH and our two DCs (5 and 8 months) have come away on holiday with my DM. I’ve had a slightly strained relationship with my DM ever since getting to adulthood as she has disapproved of a lot of my life choices (getting married in early twenties and having two DCs soon after being some of them). I also enjoy a glass or two of wine in the evening and some chocolate. My DM is very, very health conscious to the point of being almost obsessive. Anytime I go to get a glass of wine or some choc or anything even vaguely unhealthy she’ll glare at me. The other day I ordered a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows at a cafe and she loudly announced it was ‘gross’ and ‘disgusting’.

This holiday she has consistently undermined me and DH’s parenting, in front of our elder DC. She’ll say things like “well you’ve already had one treat you definitely don’t need any more, you’ll end up fat!”

It’s getting to the point where I can’t move to do anything without worrying if it’s going to set her off. She had a go at my DH just now for not pronouncing his ‘t’s’ properly - he’s almost 40!

I don’t want to go NC or anything like that as we get on fine for short periods and I know she adores my DC. But I don’t know if I can cope with another holiday like this! We don’t have much money so this is really our only holiday this year - is it too much to ask that we feel able to properly relax and be ourselves?

I’m finding myself constantly trying to keep the peace between her and my DH who (understandably) is irritated that he’s being treated like a wayward child half the time and he says she doesn’t appear to have any respect for him or for me, which at the moment I have to agree with.

AIBU to calmly say after the holiday is finished that we’ll just be doing our own holidays from now on? I have tried in the past to let her know how I feel but it’s just ended with her getting very hurt and defensive.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/09/2018 10:13

It's obviously not unreasonable to have separate holidays. She sounds very difficult to be around, don't let her ideas about food influence your children growing up either.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/09/2018 10:15

At some point you'll have to tell her that her attitude is really offputting and hat she needs to modify her behaviour or she will ostracise herself... note that, she will do it to herself, nothing about how it makes you feel!

And no, YANBU not to go on holiday with her again, that's just another consequence of her behaviour.

Good luck with that though, becoming a grown up in the eyes of a parent can be quite fraught, I have found!

wowfudge · 19/09/2018 10:16

You don't need to tell her - just don't invite her along next time. Book your next holiday and let her know then that it's just you, DH and the kids who are going. I wouldn't make a thing out of it now. Let yourself calm down and you'll think of the best way to deal with it.

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2018 10:18

You don't need to tell her - just don't invite her along next time

This. No need to make a big deal about it - just silently vow never to repeat the experience!

Leland · 19/09/2018 10:19

Why on earth do you go on holiday especially if money is tight, and this is your only time away all year with someone you know is critical, undermining, and maddening to your DH as well as you? I mean, is this a regular thing?

Of course you shouldn't do it again, but why has the situation ever arisen more than once?

stellabird · 19/09/2018 10:22

I've never understood the idea of multi-generational holidays. I've never been on one and can't get it at all.

If you have a strained relationship with your DM, why put yourself though the angst of spending 24/7 with her when you don't have to. Don't ever suggest it again, and if she does, say that you've already planned a holiday with DH and the children . Or say you can't afford it this time around.

Take care of yourself - don't let her call the shots. Otherwise you'll still be suffering when you are collecting a pension.

Padparadscha · 19/09/2018 10:25

Why did you initially invite her? She sounds impossible to be around for more than an hour, never mind stuck together on holiday! Really unfair to your family as well, if this is your only holiday a year, they deserve to enjoy it.

As a side issue, why are you allowing her to make such damaging comments about food and ‘being fat’ around your children? I’d seriously be giving her the option to stop or not be around the children with that attitude.

HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 10:26

Why doesn't your husband tackle it at the time? It's much easier for the person who's not related to say, "Please don't talk to me like that."

And yes, I agree with the others, just don't invite her next time. Book your holiday and if she says anything, say, "I don't think either of us found it particularly relaxing, do you?"

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2018 10:27

Just ignore her as much as possible and get through this Holiday and then don’t invite her again
No need for any big announcement

WhitePhantom · 19/09/2018 10:28

Why do you put up with it? Pull her up on it, every single time. "Stop criticising me". "Stop undermining me / DH". "Stop passing comments." etc.

KC225 · 19/09/2018 10:29

It doesn't sound very enjoyable. She does sound like the fun police. I wouldn't want to join her again with those comments.

I'm glad you don't any to fall out but all you have to say is 'We have different expectations of a holiday, I see it as an opportunity to kick back have a glass if wine or a hot chocolate and it seemed to irritate you to the point you felt you had to comment. So we are both able to relax why don't we agree to different holidays in future'. Something along those lines, so it comes across as different expectations but no blame - if that is possible.

Holidayshopping · 19/09/2018 10:31

Why did you agree to a holiday with someone you have ‘strained relations’ with?! Holidays are supposed to be relaxed.

Of course you wouldn’t be unreasonable not to go on holiday with her again.

Why don’t you challenge her on some of those points now, then at least it wont be a surprise to her why!

mydietstartsmonday · 19/09/2018 10:33

My mother wound me up so much one holiday I bought her a flight home early. We did make up and she did apologize (which is incredibly rare). Limit the length of time you spend with her. We did go away again but in a bigger group and she behaved herself then.

Original poster
Wineandpyjamas · 19/09/2018 10:38

Thanks for all responses - reason I have to go away with her is that we live a fair way away and she doesn’t get much of an opportunity to see the grandkids otherwise. Other holidays have been ok with her - it’s just this one she’s been particularly bad! I think we’ll definitely be organising separate hols from now on and maybe we can see each other for a long weekend at other points in the year.

OP posts:
PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 19/09/2018 10:44

YANBU a holiday should be something to look forward to she sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Maybe instead you can visit her and stay in a cheap hotel nearby so you can escape in the evenings. It sounds like she's projecting her obsessive food issues onto you and the kids which I wouldn't like.

Normandy144 · 19/09/2018 10:53

I agree, there is no need for a big announcement. You and DH just make a note not to repeat it and go ahead and make your own holiday plans. If you tell her now, then it will likely cause a big argument and finger pointing. If she raises the prospect of another family holiday then just say, not this year than ks, we fancy just a break on our own. Keep it breezy!!

Seafoodeatit · 19/09/2018 10:54

Don't make a big deal out of it, just next time don't invite her. I could have written your post by the way minus the health thing, I've learned the hard way that my mother and I only manage to have a relationship when we only see each other for short periods of time.

arranfan · 19/09/2018 11:01

When people notice that others stop visiting them or making arrangements to be with them, I wonder if it ever causes them to reflect on their non-stop stream of criticism and whether or not they are a genial companion?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2018 11:03

Unless I've missed something I'm not clear on who's done the inviting/paying. Is this something you've organised and asked DM to come on, or has it come from her?

Because either way I wouldn't be doing it again. No need for big dramas - just tell her you'll be going away purely as a couple with kids next time

kikashi · 19/09/2018 11:24

Don't go with her again. Her loss. We had this with MIL - we warned her several times and then never went with her again. She was the loser. It was bliss. Holiday should be down time , not a time when your blood pressure and stress rises. I also think when I was younger I was too polite and wanted to keep the peace but I think it's better to suit yourself and put your families best interests forefront

StormTreader · 19/09/2018 11:28

The really sad thing is - she probably genuinely doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, and she'll be confused that you've had a holiday where she "helped out with the children" and then isn't invited again.
You are completely NBU to want to actually enjoy your holidays, I just wish there was any way of letting her know that what shes doing isn't acceptable without her just getting stroppy about it. I wonder sometimes whether I'm that person to friends who just seemed to drift away after a while.

TemptressofWaikiki · 19/09/2018 11:28

You do not have to anything. Unless you have some martyr complex.

WheelOfMisfortune · 19/09/2018 11:35

Are you still on the holiday now?

Pull her aside and tell her that you are not enjoying the holiday due to her constant criticism and comments.

Tell her that if she does not stop commenting on what you are eating, how your husband talks etc. then it will be the last holiday you go on.

You have the opportunity to shut it down right now!

Glaciferous · 19/09/2018 11:47

Yes, you need to tell her. Otherwise she will be all 'but I went with them and looked after the children and they're being so unfair'.

Give her a chance to change her behaviour. If she doesn't change, absolutely book a separate holiday next time!

theOtherPamAyres · 19/09/2018 12:32

I think she's worried that you are putting on weight because of your chocolate and wine evening treat, and that your children might end up the same.

She doesn't like to see you indulging yourself on useless calories and she seems to think that you indulge the children instead of taking control of them.

She's going the wrong way about it.