To not go on holiday with DM again

[Wineandpyjamas]

Hi all - this is my first time posting in AIBU but I really want to know if I’m BU or not.

Me, DH and our two DCs (5 and 8 months) have come away on holiday with my DM. I’ve had a slightly strained relationship with my DM ever since getting to adulthood as she has disapproved of a lot of my life choices (getting married in early twenties and having two DCs soon after being some of them). I also enjoy a glass or two of wine in the evening and some chocolate. My DM is very, very health conscious to the point of being almost obsessive. Anytime I go to get a glass of wine or some choc or anything even vaguely unhealthy she’ll glare at me. The other day I ordered a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows at a cafe and she loudly announced it was ‘gross’ and ‘disgusting’.

This holiday she has consistently undermined me and DH’s parenting, in front of our elder DC. She’ll say things like “well you’ve already had one treat you definitely don’t need any more, you’ll end up fat!”

It’s getting to the point where I can’t move to do anything without worrying if it’s going to set her off. She had a go at my DH just now for not pronouncing his ‘t’s’ properly - he’s almost 40!

I don’t want to go NC or anything like that as we get on fine for short periods and I know she adores my DC. But I don’t know if I can cope with another holiday like this! We don’t have much money so this is really our only holiday this year - is it too much to ask that we feel able to properly relax and be ourselves?

I’m finding myself constantly trying to keep the peace between her and my DH who (understandably) is irritated that he’s being treated like a wayward child half the time and he says she doesn’t appear to have any respect for him or for me, which at the moment I have to agree with.

AIBU to calmly say after the holiday is finished that we’ll just be doing our own holidays from now on? I have tried in the past to let her know how I feel but it’s just ended with her getting very hurt and defensive.

She doesn't like to see you indulging yourself on useless calories and she seems to think that you indulge the children instead of taking control of them.

Gosh, I bet you're a proper joy-sponge to go on holidays or eat out with.

Whatever she might think, it's hardly her place to say anything is it? Especially not when they're on holiday.

Make separate arrangements next time. If she pushes to know why, that’s the point at which you tell her.

@Puzzledandpissedoff - we’ve paid half each. It was her idea and we paid towards the rent of the house.

@StormTreader - yes it’s something I’ve tried to talk to her about before. But she gets so defensive and hurt and it leaves me feeling anxious and shaky as I don’t like arguing with her and hate that I might be hurting her.

However it has got to the point now where I’m going to have to say something as it’s just not fair on anyone involved. I really hope I can do it in the proper way as I do really love her and want my DC to have her in their lives. She’s just very very difficult at times!

she gets so defensive and hurt and it leaves me feeling anxious and shaky as I don’t like arguing with her and hate that I might be hurting her

Interesting, isn't it, that these "sensitive types" are often the first to ignore the sensitivities of others?

Since you're paying your way - and even if you weren't, come to that - I see no reason to put up with downright rudeness. Certainly I wouldn't be holidaying with her again, but for now you'll just have to say something (and ignore the hurt puppy eyes) if you want anything to change

I think you have to mention that you are not really enjoying the holiday. And it appears that she is not happy either because she is finding a lot of things aren't to her liking.

She probably forgets that she gets so irritated with you.

I would take the initiative and organise your own holidays without her. Most people do this - not everyone enjoys being cooped up with relatives who have very different outlooks.