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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she BU to leave DD upstairs while she goes to the shop?

70 replies

l0stmummy · 19/09/2018 09:18

Asking for a friend (no, really!). I think she is being unreasonable but she's adament she isn't. Friend lives a street away, above a supermarket. She has a 9mo and will often leave her in her crib to go down to the shop. She's never more than 5 minutes apparently, it's usually just to grab something quickly. She says it's no different to being at the end of a garden. There is two locked doors between her DD and anyone outside (except two neighbours.)

I told her it takes seconds for an accident to happen. But she thinks what she's doing is perfectly fine. Is she being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:

DukeOfSussex · 19/09/2018 10:17

I live in a townhouse and would go downstairs to do laundry when the Holden were sleeping as babies. I was 2 floors away and couldn’t hear them. I would go back up every 10 minutes or so. Is that better or worse?

That's my opinion really. ""Leaving for the store" sounds terrible but is in reality, nipping down stairs. Taking the child down stairs is probably more of an actual risk.

Eatmycheese · 19/09/2018 10:18

No
No
No

If she fell and knocked herself out while putting washing on the line and the baby had an accident during that time,mor even just that the baby had an accident during that time she would not be at risk of losing her baby.
If, however she left her baby alone in a house locked two doors and went off shopping she would most certainly face the risk of her baby being removed if something happened to her such as she was run over, fainted etc, and god forbid something happened to the baby when she was alone in a house.

Absolutely barmy and really running the gauntlet. She’s taking an entirely avoidable risk.

Abra1de · 19/09/2018 10:19

Why would she be more likely to fall over one floor downstairs in the supermarket than 30m down a garden while pegging out washing or emptying bins?

And if she did, at least she could tell other people about the baby. If I fell over in my back garden nobody would hear me.

As I said before, the risk assessment would be different for every situation.

Eatmycheese · 19/09/2018 10:22

It’s the lack of judgement that amazes me.
You have to do housework and do things like empty bins, peg out washing go up and down stairs when you have a baby at home.

You don’t have to leave them alone in the house and go to the fucking shop.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 10:23

Do people sit and watch their baby all the time it's in the cot " just in case "? Of course they don't.

In the extremely unlikely event of something happening to the mother in the minutes she was in the shop at least she alert others that the baby was asleep upstairs.

What do people think could actually happen here?

Itchytights · 19/09/2018 10:23

Are you pretending to be the “friend “ op.

Nope, not okay.

Not ever

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 10:26

Do you never put the washing out, bring the bins in, talk to your neighbour over the fence, sit in the garden while the baby is asleep upstairs?

Badwifey · 19/09/2018 10:28

I dunno. I'm a bit torn on this one. When my DD was about the same age and I lived on the second floor of an apartment block I used to put her to bed and run down with the bins when she was asleep. 3 mins max. There was never any delay and I would always check on her before and after I did it. The supermarket however, I don't know... she could be delayed for any number of reasons... long queue or an awkward customs in front of her. I don't think I would take that chance.

Hideandgo · 19/09/2018 10:28

I can’t get excited (judgmental) about this.

Eatmycheese · 19/09/2018 10:29

If something happens to a parent and a baby is placed in harm,’s way that is a genuine accident then they should never blame themselves or feel guilt though of course they will

If something happens to a parent when they have taken a risk and done something they know in their heart of hearts is a risk and a baby is injured or worse, then you can’t tell me that they will not look back and wish they hadn't done it,

“Just popping out to the shops” may make it sound more innocuous but the reality is you are choosing to leave a defenceless baby unattended in a locked house for a period of time. That is totally inexcusable to me in any way shape or form.

Johndoe10 · 19/09/2018 10:30

The thought of an unexpected fire is enough for me not to do stuff like that

serbska · 19/09/2018 10:32

Well on the one hand she is right that it is like being at th end of the garden in a house. On the other hand something seems worse about this, but it probably isn't.

In a way, it might even be better. Like, if you fell in the garden and knocked yourself unconscious you would just lie there. If that happened in the shop people would at least call for help!

Nesssie · 19/09/2018 10:32

Imo opinion its no different to having your baby upstairs and you downstairs/in the garden/putting the bins out.

If the shop was down the street then no, but as its the same building, then I don't see a problem.

LuluJakey1 · 19/09/2018 10:33

I am not comfortable with it because it sounds like a habit. Having said that, both DS and DD have slept in their cots at times while I have been gardening with the baby monitor.

serbska · 19/09/2018 10:33

You have to do housework and do things like empty bins, peg out washing go up and down stairs when you have a baby at home.

You don’t have to leave them alone in the house and go to the fucking shop.

Well you don't have to peg the washing out do you leaving the baby upstairs?

You could take the baby into the garden with you. Or wait until your SH returned home. There is no more have to about pegging washing out than going downstairs to the shop.

DukeOfSussex · 19/09/2018 10:34

long queue or an awkward customs in front of her. I don't think I would take that chance.

You're assuming that the woman would just sit there in this situation, why? The Op hasn't claimed her friend is also an idiot. Wouldn't the obvious thing to do be to put the few bits down and say, "sorry, I have to run now". People take their children in cars ALL the time. On completely unnecessary journeys. They're far more likely to die there but it's normal so you don't over think it.

3boysandabump · 19/09/2018 10:39

I wouldn't do it but I wouldn't judge someone else if they did.

Also it's not really comparable to hanging washing out in the garden. If I was hanging the washing out I would use the monitor and if baby cried I could go to him and then return to the washing when I'd sorted him.

I'm not a big worrier so all the collapsing in the shop etc wouldn't even enter my head but I'd be worried he'd cry for me and just be laid there crying for 5 mins.

Eatmycheese · 19/09/2018 10:40

Put it this way.

You fall down the stairs and are knocked out. You slip when putting the bins out. When you come to something had happened to the baby. Not your fault. You haven’t deliberately engineered a situation.

You pick up your purse, lock two doors, leave the place you live in (even if it is the same building is not interested) and go to the shop. You fall and hit your head in the shop, and taken to hospital. What happens when the hospital, find out you’ve left your baby at home in the flat. It’s not like she’s in the pram with you or even being held. What if someone working there doesn’t know you, that you have a baby? What if you can’t tell anyone she’s upstairs in a locked flat alone and asleep? What if they assumed grandma or dad had her?

It’s not just about something happened or not, it’s also about the possible repercussions for her as a parent if anything did occur and professionals found out. She has chosen to do this.

Underparmummy · 19/09/2018 10:40

Put baby in push chair. Walk to shop. Get bread/milk/tea. Walk home. Baby out of push chair.

Eatmycheese · 19/09/2018 10:42

Bollocks serbska
You wouldn’t find social services on your doorstep in the aftermath of an accident while pegging out washing. You probably would if you had a funny turn or an accident in costcutter. If an unattended baby was involved

chocatoo · 19/09/2018 10:44

She lives over the shop.
I think that if the baby is not old enough to climb out of the crib, it's no different to leaving the baby in a bedroom upstairs, whilst you are downstairs. I assume the baby is asleep/can't move. Do you all sit over your babies and watch them every second of the day?

DukeOfSussex · 19/09/2018 10:53

ut it this way.You fall down the stairs and are knocked out. You slip when putting the bins out. When you come to something had happened to the baby. Not your fault. You haven’t deliberately engineered a situation.You pick up your purse, lock two doors, leave the place you live in (even if it is the same building is not interested) and go to the shop. You fall and hit your head in the shop, and taken to hospital. What happens when the hospital, find out you’ve left your baby at home in the flat. It’s not like she’s in the pram with you or even being held. What if someone working there doesn’t know you, that you have a baby? What if you can’t tell anyone she’s upstairs in a locked flat alone and asleep? What if they assumed grandma or dad had her?

Put it this way. You put the baby in sling walk down stairs and have a fall. And land on the baby. Any number of things could occur but the most likely thing to happen is not 'fall down and get knocked out and rushed to hospital'. Trip and land on baby is far more likely.

Put baby in push chair. Walk to shop.

Carry baby and the buggy down the stairs then unfold pushchair with one arm while holding baby and put baby inside. Walk in shop.

or leave baby in cot.

Rationally, when is it more likely that an accident will occur?

DukeOfSussex · 19/09/2018 10:55

There aren't actually laws on when you can leave a child at home specifically so parents can have some leeway to make sensible decisonis.

leave the baby and drive twenty minutes to ASDA have a fall, and then get rushed to A&E. Arrested.

leave the baby and walk down stairs have a fall, and then get rushed to A&E. Fuck all, because you walked downstairs.

bobstersmum · 19/09/2018 10:55

No no no!

TawnyTeal · 19/09/2018 10:55

It is actually illegal where I live to do this. A child under the age of 12 cannot legally be left alone.

The legislation is worded quite generally, but it allows for the responsible adult to be charged and jailed for up to 3 years if they leave a child under 12 unsupervised for an unreasonable amount of time, given the specific circumstances. The police warned recently that if a child under 12 was left to walk to school unsupervised (and the route wasn’t considered safe by police/child services), the parent/s could actually be charged.

Regardless of the law here, I would not leave an infant alone where I had to lock the door behind me as I left - but I am ok putting my child to bed upstairs while I am downstairs in the same house.

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