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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother and SIL ... choices

26 replies

Lifeadminatwork · 18/09/2018 20:46

I have one brother, no other siblings/half/step siblings. My brother’s wife has two sisters.

Brother and SIL have four children. They’ve asked SILs two sisters to be god parents plus a group of friends so each of their children has one god mother and one god father - 8 in total.

I haven’t been asked to be a god parent.

AIBU to be upset by this? I know god parents don’t mean as much these days but it’s a nice thing to do and a sort of honorary role.

When they got married SIL had six bridesmaids including her two sisters but I wasn’t asked then either.

I’m really upset.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 18/09/2018 20:56

Are you religious? If not then it doesn't matter does it?

Original poster

Lifeadminatwork · 18/09/2018 20:57

No I’m not, I’m sure the bit I put about it being honorary explains how I feel about it! But thanks for the helpful response.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 18/09/2018 20:59

YANBU- I would feel very hurt

Moussemoose · 18/09/2018 20:59

When you become a god parent you stand up in a church and say " I believe and trust in God".

Do you?

Is this a social event or a serious task?

NerrSnerr · 18/09/2018 21:00

I don't think the church see it as an honorary role, the point of god parents is to guide children on their religious journey.

I didn't mean to be unhelpful but if you're not actually planning on fulfilling the role of godparent why not just focus on being a good Aunt.

GunpowderGelatine · 18/09/2018 21:01

I can totally understand why that's hurtful OP. on the one hand this godmother business, same as bridesmaids etc has so much politics surrounding it and always causes upset no matter what, so I'm always of the mindset that parents should just pick whoever they want! However I would be upset as well. If no aunties and uncles were being asked (which to me is the norm with godparents as you have a connection with the child already) then fair enough but that's not the case

Original poster

Lifeadminatwork · 18/09/2018 21:01

Yes I believe in god, but I’m not overly religious and don’t go to church regularly. I would see a godparent as a guardian or a carer for the children should something
Happen to their parents.

OP posts:

KMoKMo · 18/09/2018 21:03

No YANBU. I’d be hurt too.
Is SIL and her family religious? Godparents should be Christian and promise to give religious guidance. If you aren’t religious could that be the reason you haven’t been asked?
Still a bit hurtful and they could have explained but the most reasonable explanation.
Re being a bridesmaid - how close are you to SIL? I didn’t have bridesmaids but would have hated having my SIL. We are like chalk and cheese and wouldn’t have made for a relaxing day.

wowfudge · 18/09/2018 21:08

She's chosen her two sisters and then friends - I wouldn't be offended. A godparent is not someone who will bring up the children should something happen to the parents. That's not what being a godparent is about at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/09/2018 21:10

I'm an atheist 'god'mother.

OP are B and SIL religious? Would that be what they want in a GP?

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/09/2018 21:15

None of my family have asked me and I'm the only one who goes to church. It hurts but I've never mentioned it.

RandomMess · 18/09/2018 21:17

Being a godparent has NOTHING to do with being a guardian or taking care of the DC.

That aside it sounds as though SIL is very into her and her family and I suspect that your brother isn't bothered about keeping his family involved. He is the one you need to speak to and say you would like a bigger part in his life

Original poster

Lifeadminatwork · 18/09/2018 21:24

Brother and SIL are not religious either. Pretty much same as me really, not aware if her sisters are either.

We’re just a pretty average family who go to church for weddings, christenings, funerals, occasional Christmas services.

I don’t really think most god parents look into depth about the religious meanings. It’s a lovely thing to be asked to do.

For those criticising me for my understanding of god parenting, that’s just your opinion. A god parent can be anything as long as they care about the child and have the child’s best interests at the heart of everything. It’s not all about religion nowadays.

Of course they are still my nieces and nephews, and I’m called auntie Life admin

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/09/2018 21:29

A god parent can be anything as long as they care about the child and have the child’s best interests at the heart of everything. It’s not all about religion nowadays

Actually, there is a clue in the title - GOD parent. As a PP has already said, it is the task of the god-parents to guide the child in their growth in the Christian faith and support their relationship with God.

There is nothing to stop you from caring about the child and giving support i other areas.

I get a bit sick of people who want the church there for what are for them meaningless ceremonies, but don't support the church in any way, and then complain about things.

RandomMess · 18/09/2018 21:33

So if they don't have a faith then the Christenings are about have a show and a party??

You clearly adore your DNs carry on enjoying your relationship with them, you don't need a label to do that.

Prestonsflowers · 18/09/2018 21:33

I’d be upset too.
Ignore all those posters banging on about your religious beliefs
Some people just love to put the boot in.
Maybe you could have a quiet chat with your brother and tell him that you feel a bit left out

ChasedByBees · 18/09/2018 21:33

Honestly, a lot of people do take god parent as a serious role and expect the god parents to guide the child in their spiritual life. Not as an honorary role. We chose friends as family already have a role. That doesn’t apply here if they’ve asked her sisters though.

Tistheseason17 · 18/09/2018 21:34

My BIL and his wife waited until they ran out of other friends/family before asking my DH and I to be godparents to child no. 4.

In their case, it was all about tradition rather than belief so we trotted out at church agreed to the tosh and went for some food to help them fulfill their needs..

Unless you are deeply religious I would not lose any sleep over this. Most people can't remember who their godparents are when they are older.

Mulberry72 · 18/09/2018 21:40

My SIL kicked off because we didn’t ask her to be DS Godmother. It was nine of her business and we chose who we wanted, and neither DH or I wanted her.

YABU.

huggybear · 18/09/2018 21:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable but let's face it, the sister in law will pick her family.

Wispaismyfave · 18/09/2018 21:49

A godparent just stands there and holds a candle (unless you are religious and believe you are going to guide their faith etc). You aren't a guardian for the children that's a legal thing you draw up.

As for the bridesmaid thing the bride chooses her bridesmaids not the groom so I've no idea why you'd have been a bridesmaid unless you are friends with her? I didn't have my sister in law as a bridesmaid and I came under fire from my mil. My bridesmaids helped me get ready on the morning of my wedding, they were close childhood friends and my sister. I didn't want someone I don't know there. We probably won't chose my sil as a godparent either, again there are closer people to us. We are christening our children early next year so I'm sure we are going to have the exact same grief!

noobs18 · 18/09/2018 21:53

For those criticising me for my understanding of god parenting, that’s just your opinion.

If this is referring to posters who told you a godparent is not a guardian if something happens to the parents it is not opinion it is fact!!

There is no legal position for godparent and if anything happened to the parents being a godparent would absolutely not give you guardianship.

Also, it's one thing to be upset you've not been given (in your opinion) an honorary title, it is quite another to be demanding that you become the children's legal guardian! That is a deeply personal choice for the parents to make

The godparents we chose are absolutely expected to fulfil the promises they made! Otherwise we would never have given them the role. In my opinion there is nothing honorary about it. Maybe your brother disagrees with your "opinion" of the role of godparents and wants people who will take their commitments seriously

TabbyMumz · 18/09/2018 21:55

Them choosing godparents is not about keeping you happy. Your response to nerrsnerr says it all to me. Someone replied to your post and you were sarky back. Perhaps you do this to a lot of people?

Havaina · 18/09/2018 22:14

Ah fuck 'em OP. It is hurtful. Hopefully it doesn't affect your relationship with your DNs, but I wouldn't be doing the parents any favours any time soon. 'You need a babysitter? Surely you should ask DN's godparents?'

SezziBaybee · 18/09/2018 22:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

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