To be sick of hearing horror birth stories of social media?

[Ambs81]

I've noticed recently a 'trend' of hearing horror birth stories and people talking about 'tokophobia', or PTSD following child birth.

I had a pretty horrific time with my DS, (30 hours in labour, forceps, 3rd degree episiotomy, haemorrage etc etc) but I have never felt the need to tell people the gory details and I am hopeful that the next one will be easily - mainly because I'll know what I'm doing and be more prepared.

I'm sure over the course of my labour things couldve been done differently but on the whole I'm sure every doctor and midwife had me and my DS safety as their 1st priority.

I know there is a lot in the media about increasing rates of c-sections, especialll women elected themselves - I can't help but think that the constant sharing of these kind of stories can't help! Yes it's good to talk and share, but I often think its scare mongering and worry for the first time mums reading this kind of stuff....

For example, I read an article today on a mother explaining how she'd be refused an epidurial and 'torn' open by a doctor!!! I couldn't read anymore and unfollowed the account that was sharing it...

Not constructive, helpful or (most probably) accurate!

I think people need to go into childbirth with realistic expectations. I'm very grateful to DM for her gory account of her episiotomy and forceps delivery. If I'd gone into it expecting an empowering experience I would have been very disappointed.

That is true @snuggy,

But there should be balance too...

Plus, I have friends who had straight forward births but still felt they'd been run over by a bus!

I think scaremongering is unfair, however I think the pressure on women not to talk about pregnancy, labour, birth and motherhood as anything other than fluffy bunnies and sweetness and light is not only ridiculous, it’s damaging.

Because it perpetuates a myth that if we have any kind of experience that doesn’t live up to that, that we’ve failed somehow.

So I think honesty is needed. Not sure FB is the place for it, but still.

I agree I think the trouble is the unbalancedness of it, you only ever seem to hear the horror stories. I know my labour was very straight forward, 6 hrs start to finish had quite a big episiotomy but in the grand of schemes couldn't of asked for much better. I hate sharing my birth story because I feel like I'm rubbing it in the face of people who had a terrible time if that makes sense? (I understand that's my issue)

I think it's good we are talking about birth more as it was always very taboo but I do think there needs to be more balance.

I think it's better than the unrealistic expectation that it's all mind over matter and that if you approach it positively everything will be fine.

I went into my first labour with not a shred of apprehension. I knew it would hurt but I had a positive frame of mind and knew that I could do it. Turns out I couldn't. It was a horrific experience. I had horrific post natal depression afterwards because I thought it was all my fault. I'm still, many years later, angry at all those crappy books and magazines that told me it was all about positivity. If I'd been realistic from the start it would still have been awful but at least I'd have known that it wasn't my fault.

I hate the drive to make women lie to other women about the reality of birth (although in real life I don't actually talk about my experiences because I don't want to).

It sounds a lot like wanting to erase other women's birth experiences.

i think it depends on the person tbh.

i wish i had been more prepared for the potential of it being horrendous.

all i heard was how its natural, women choose to do it again and how you breathe through it!!!

sorry but for me you are being a bit U.

hearing the full details would have helped me as i was genuinely shocked at how bad it was and honestly thought there was something seriously wrong.

similarly when i had a mc i was told that it would be like a heavy period. this was not my experience at all and was thankful to the friend who told me her experience beforehand otherwise i think id have phoned an ambulance (wasting valuable nhs resources).

however i do appreciate that horror stories really dont help some people xx

I have never seen any of these social media accounts talking about birth horror stories. I have seen loads where people post about their positive birth. Is this someone's personal account or is it an organisation. None of my friends have posted anything about their birth (good or bad) on social media.

On here there is a mix which I think is a good thing.

Yes tokophobia seems to be everywhere at the moment. I'm not really one for social media, but I found my second birth really traumatic and I did feel the need to tell people all about it for a while, maybe the first couple of months. I think it's just how some people process trauma.

I definitely agree that some have an unrealistic expectation as to what actually happens in a real life birth.

But I also believe that a lot of these women like to "one up" each other.Which is ridiculous imo....

No sorry don’t agree.
Women are sharing their stories and they shouldn’t be silenced for fear of the reaction of others.

As for the stuff about c sections, well we aren’t told the negatives about vaginal birth from the medical profession.
So if other women don’t speak up, everyone would go into childbirth thinking it was easy, risk free and that there was not an alternative.
C section is a very safe alternative that may be more suitable for some women, but If they don’t know their options (the nhs certainly don’t make things clear, vaginal birth is the default and if you dare request anything different many women find they are met with an argument very biased to vaginal delivery), how else can women make an informed choice?

Coverage of these hidden women’s issues can only be good for women, for birth rights, for progression in women’s healthcare.

Totally agree with YeTalkShiteHen

Also, whenever I read these stories all I hear/see is a woman venting. I think talking (typing??) about it (it detail, as they often do) is a way of helping them deal with their own experience. It isn't about frightening other women.

Birth trauma is a thing. YABU.

I think this is an example of where you just shouldn't click on it if you don't want to read it.

Yabvvu to try to police other women's discussions.

I totally agree birth trauma is real - I have no doubt I experienced it!

I found it helpful hearing that other women had had a similar rough time, with many saying for example labour with dc2 was much easier, better, they were more prepared etc...

I was told straight after having him I could elect for a c-section next time, because of issues with first labour, so again I always like to read c-section stories too.

So yes information is key, but SOME of what i've seen is pretty dramatised and emotive - there is an underlying sense that women aren't being listened to when I don't know if this is the reality.

For example, I don't think being refused a c-section on request is a breach of womens rights...a c-section is a massive operation, with considerable risk involved, and expense to the NHS. A natural vaginal birth is the safest route for most women out there.

Another example is people referring to being refused an epidurial, again this isn't a breach of rights IMO. I think the midwives/ doctors are more qualified to assess whether an epidural should be given then I would ever be.

If anyone follows mother of daughters on instagram you might have seen her post last week regarding this!

I agree and I think celebrities tend to bang on about horror births to sell the magazine they’re on the cover of.

It’s always “traumatic, horror, life threatening”

Maybe I’m cynical but I always roll my eyes

Like everything else, I think women are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
Be honest about a difficult birth/PND and you risk scaring first time mums.
Be honest about a lovely birth and easy baby and you risk appearing smug.

I try and always be honest though and hope it balances out with whoever I'm talking to hearing the whole range of experiences.

For example, I don't think being refused a c-section on request is a breach of womens rights...a c-section is a massive operation, with considerable risk involved, and expense to the NHS

That’s lovely, but you have no idea why a woman might request one and no right to say what is and isn’t necessary.

A natural vaginal birth is the safest route for most women out there

Absolutely no need for the word “natural” there, it’s judgemental.

Another example is people referring to being refused an epidural, again this isn't a breach of rights IMO. I think the midwives/ doctors are more qualified to assess whether an epidural should be given then I would ever be

Again, entirely depends on the situation.

I think the fact women are being allowed, and encouraged, to speak up about problems during birth is a good thing.

I was woefully underprepared in my first pregnancy. Even though it was a twin pregnancy everything I read and learned was all positive and talked about empowerment and bonding. It was absolutely horrific and the fact I felt like such a failure at being unable to do something so natural contributed to my PND, I'm absolutely sure of that.

The other good thing about it is that it's allowing women to share the, often very shit, treatment they receive at the hands of the hospitals and professionals they encounter. It wasn't until I spoke to other women at a PND support group that I realised the rude consultant wasn't having a bad day, and the midwives weren't unusually sharp because they were stretched, it's just that in my local hospital (and in many across the UK it seems) women are ignored when it comes to their wishes, pain and their bad experiences are waved away. And several of the things that were dismissed could have been downright dangerous for me and my babies had my former MIL not been with me and recognising that something was very wrong and shouting (literally) loud to get the help I needed.

The other thing that should be shared more, imo, is that the "wave of love" people talk about when they look at their newborn doesn't always happen. I cried with relief when my my GP told me she didn't feel anything for her DD for several days after she was born because I feel like such a failure.

I actually think you are being a bit unreasonable with this. Not the constant sharing (I'm not really a social media person other than mumsnet). But. Different people have different resiliance, something that you are OK with may traumatise someone else. With lots of nct classes and yoga classes etc telling you you just have to have the right attitude and breathe the baby out, there needs to be stories available of the other side or everyone will be wildly disappointed. It sounds like you had a really hard time but that the doctors and midwives did their best. I'm sure most of them do but like with any profession there will be shit ones and there will be mistakes (not least due to underfunding) and if this led to avoidable injury to mum or baby then I think they're within their rights to be vocal about it.

I had a 72 hour labour, blue lighted from mlu to consultant unit, episiotomy and manual placenta removal. I was offered counselling afterwards. I refused but I did find it helped me to talk about it with people I was close to - for a while I couldn't think about it without crying

Also there is no way in hell I'd have coped without an epidural.

Well my baby was torn out of me with no pain relief. And that is an accurate account.

I've had problems ever since. At 3 years pp after a full perineal reconstruction I was told by my consultant that 'some women have long term pain after having a baby and I just needed to put up with it'. I did and following an undetected infection I'm now left with so much pain I can barely walk/sit at a desk/take my daughter to bed.

Knowing it could happen wouldn't have made any difference. I was confident and relaxed throughout but she was stuck and after 3.5 hours of pushing she wasn't coming out unaided.

I can't have another child.

I do think that women's issues following birth are swept under the carpet and ignored which is why people are starting to talk about it.

I disagree with your comments regarding MoD’s posts. I also follow Rebecca Schiller and she makes some really good points about the importance of women having ownership over their own bodies while in labour. I think that’s an important part of avoiding birth trauma.

I’m currently pregnant with my third baby, but my first two were twins, so this is a very different experience for me. I’ve been using the Positive Birth Company’s hypnobirthing pack and it’s helped me think a lot differently about birth. I think women need to be more fully informed about risks and benefits of particular actions taken during labour and given the opportunity to have more of a say in the process. I see the language of being ‘allowed’ to do things quite a lot, particularly around twin and multiple births, and I think that’s detrimental to women’s well being and their sense of ownership over their own bodies and their own labours.

If you decided op that you wanted a c section after a third degree tear, as you didn’t want to risk being doubly incontinent which could happen after a further third degree tear, I think a doctor would be rather cruel to refuse you or any women.

You personally may be more scared of a c section. And you should have that choice. But for the woman who isn’t and would prefer this option. the cost to the nhs for a section compared to straight forward Vaginal delivery is about 800.00 I believe (will have to check source).
Now if you already have had a significant birth injury and your mental Health has been badly affected , I don’t see how that small cost can’t be justified.
After all how much do prolapse repairs cost? How much does incontinence cost the nhs? How much does mental health of these traumatised women cost the nhs?

Then there are other issues as in if a woman has had one bad birth and requests a c section for a further birth, whilst it may or may not be more cost effective in the long run, the nhs spends billions on healthcare for people because of their lifestyle choices. Some cancers Would be preventable if people had made healthier choices. People have gastric bands on the nhs. So many diseases and ill health the nhs treat are as a consequence of poor lifestyle choices.
I don’t mind that the nhs spends money on healthcare for people who haven’t always led a healthy lifestyle. I don’t lead a perfectly healthy lifestyle myself and neither do some of my loved ones.

But I think in context of all this, and the treatments that many people receive free of charge, to single out one aspect of obstetric healthcare, elective cs, and say some women shouldnt have the option, because it costs the nhs a small amount more, is really unfair for women.

Are you an obstetrician OP? The costs to the NHS of C Secs are evened out once you take into account the costs of repairing damage caused by vaginal births.
I think every woman should know the truth and risks of every option and have every right to make their own decision with that in mind I think every woman should be able to talk about their experience good or bad.

I didn't know anything. I remember talking to my Dad about a week before I went into labour, literally saying 'childbirth is what women's bodies are made for. It'll be fine'. Oh how I laugh now

I wear my labour story with pride. I went through a lot and I am lucky enough to have a healthy baby at the end of it.

It's not to scare, it's no prepare. If I had known the possibilities of what could happen (e.g. having an epidural increases the risks of having an assisted delivery etc) then I'd have been more clued up and a lot less panicked.

Alas, some women (like on One Born Every Minute...) seem to sneeze and their babies pop out