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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so upset about fiances actions 2 years ago?

35 replies

ncbabydue · 18/09/2018 16:56

NC for this thread.
I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We have 1 daughter who is 18 months old and am due another baby in two weeks. Our wedding is in 6 months.
When I first was with him, he was texting his ex, general friendly stuff but I wasn't too happy about it. I felt something was off.
Today I looked at his phone as he had left it at home (which I have never done before) i dont know why i looked. It was all ok until I looked at Facebook messenger. I found messages to her from when I was pregnant. They were arranging to meet up, he was asking for pics of her etc.
We had just had our 2 year anniversary and had just had the best holiday that we still talk about now.
I can't tell if they met up as the messages jumped about a lot as they must have been texting too.
I text him on his work phone and sent him screenshots of what I had seen. He left work straight away and was white and teary when he came in the door. Telling me he loves me, he never met up with her, he didn't know why he messaged her and he put a stop to it as he realised what he could lose.
Without this, you'd think he was the ideal partner and dad.
I've been crying all day as I'm so hurt and feel that my memories of that time now are tainted.
Am I being OTT? I know it was 2 years ago bit I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncbabydue · 18/09/2018 16:58

Also she is married and has been for years, also has a child....not that it makes a difference! I've been stopping myself sending her husband and her the screenshots

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 18/09/2018 17:03

You are defo not being ott. What a terrible shock for you. You must be all over the place. Don’t do anything yet. Just take your time to process this. If that’s even possible x

Losingthewill1 · 18/09/2018 17:16

I would screen shot the evidence and send it to yourself, then show him it , printed!

Say that you know about this and ask him to explain himself.

He is fucking you over while you are carrying his child.

OP I’m sorry but you need to end this and if he comes out with the “you looked on my social media” crap - just state that he was the one having an emotional / actual affair.

He won’t change, he is deceiving you.

Original poster
ncbabydue · 18/09/2018 17:31

I just wish I had seen this at the time instead of 2 years later.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 18/09/2018 17:41

I really feel for you. Do you have anyone you can confide in, irl?

Angrybird345 · 18/09/2018 17:47

He’s guilty of cheating, even if EA.

Original poster
ncbabydue · 18/09/2018 17:50

I said to him, "you realise you are a cheat" and he said yes.
It's one of those things where I'm trying not to get too stressed as I'm due in 2 weeks, but it's so upsetting.
I never thought he'd ever do that to me, especially as I was in early pregnancy with our first child at the time.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 18/09/2018 17:55

You’re exactly right. I don’t want you too stressed either but it’s inevitable in a way because you’ve had such a shock and it’s life changing and heartbreaking. In a way you do need to feel this...... fighting it will make it worse. Don’t add bits to what you know factually, be kind to yourself and take time. Big deep breaths all the time as well x

TeddybearBaby · 18/09/2018 17:56

If it was me I’d want to get away and to someone/where I felt safe and nurtured but we’re all different..... think of what you need right now

Fluffyears · 18/09/2018 17:58

I would send them to her (not her husband) as I am a vengeful person when wronged. It might be the shock she needs to keep away from YOUR fiancé!

I’d postpone the wedding and say you need some space from him. Make him take a long hard fucking look at himself. He either grows up and stays faithful or he fucks off. Sorry op but I had a cheat like this ‘she was nothing compared to you!’ ‘Nothing happened because I couldn’t lose what we hsve’ Blah blah fucking blah. He was putting it in any hole he could find!

Fluffyears · 18/09/2018 17:59

Also he needs to defriend/block her as after all they aren’t friends they are ex partners.

Santaclarita · 18/09/2018 18:02

Tell her husband. He deserves to know what he is married to.

I couldn't forgive him for this to be honest. It's up to you if you do, but you don't know for certain if they met up and did anything, and he's unlikely to tell the truth on that.

easyandy101 · 18/09/2018 18:03

It's 2 years ago

Consider your actions carefully, especially if you've had no other cause for concern, and as you have said he's utterly perfect past this event.

wotsit99 · 18/09/2018 18:06

You have every right to be extremely upset. This new knowledge has shed a different light on your special memories with him. You have been betrayed and deceived. That is no small thing and is a very disturbing thing for someone to have to process.
You will find it hard to trust him now, feel resentful and it will change your relationship.

It's up to you what you do now. If it's a deal breaker then leave. If you think you can work through it and it's worth the risk of getting hurt again then stay and hope this is just one massive mistake on his part and won't be repeated. That is a possibility.

wotsit99 · 18/09/2018 18:08

And I wouldn't tell her husband OP. Ask that your fiance block her number and social media accounts, but don't message her or her significant other.....that's a messy road to go down and you're better than that.

Eliza9917 · 18/09/2018 18:15

I'd send the screen shots. Let her DH know what she'd like and let her little family be as upset as you are. Why she she get away with it?

Eliza9917 · 18/09/2018 18:17

*she's
*Should

BluBambu · 18/09/2018 18:28

I think I would want to message her to see what she says went on? I wouldn't be able to believe anything he says right now to be honest. I would need to know exactly how far it went.

Original poster
ncbabydue · 18/09/2018 18:47

@blubambu although she'd probably lie too as she has the same to lose as he does

OP posts:
Imelda03 · 18/09/2018 19:30

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

If it was me there would be no question about sending her partner the screen shots to make me feel better and to put a stop to whatever your partner and she felt was a secret between them.

I'd also want some space be with loved ones, can you stay with your mum/parents/siblings even if for a night.

Whatever you do trust your gut and be kind to yourself x

mintich · 18/09/2018 21:15

You are right, she will probably lie if you ask her and I bet he has warned her

BluBambu · 18/09/2018 21:46

Yes true, sorry didn't think of that..
Sorry you're going through this especially whilst heavily pregnant.

Doingreat · 18/09/2018 22:11

I really feel for you op. I can't imagine what a nightmare it must be to be going through this when heavily pregnant. I would find this almost impossible to forgive. Did you manage to talk any further?

jacks11 · 18/09/2018 22:17

I'm sorry that this has happened OP. It is a huge shock, come at one of the worst possible times.

If I were you I'd be very wary of sending messages etc to her husband. You need to focus on you, not muddy the waters with this "vengeance" rubbish- it will just add unnecessary stress during an already stressful time. It's also just a distraction. Yes, she behaved badly but your real issue is with your fiancé- he was the one with a duty of honesty and fidelity to you, after all. I can't help thinking all those crying for "vengeance" and "not letting her get away with it" probably enjoy a good bit of drama, but that's not what you need right now.

You need to focus on you and what your want to happen now. That could be having space/staying with relatives or friends whilst you think and come to terms with what has happened. It could be talking it through with your fiancé. It could be you don't feel you can get past what has happened, it may be that you want to work through it with your fiancé. No-one can tell you whether to leave him or not, but focus on you for now.

If you really must bring her actions to her husband's attention, do so when you have had time to think it through and are acting calmly, not in a state of shock and distress.

Original poster
ncbabydue · 19/09/2018 15:09

Today I feel that I won't tell her husband but only because they have a child. Although it is annoying that we are in turmoil and she is having a lovely life.
My fiance was very upset last night and begging me not to leave.
I can't see me leaving as I'm two weeks from giving birth but the trust has gone. I believe nothing has happened since as I've no proof of anything else. Hopefully I'm not being a mug.

OP posts:
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