To be so upset about fiances actions 2 years ago?

[ncbabydue]

NC for this thread.
I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We have 1 daughter who is 18 months old and am due another baby in two weeks. Our wedding is in 6 months.
When I first was with him, he was texting his ex, general friendly stuff but I wasn't too happy about it. I felt something was off.
Today I looked at his phone as he had left it at home (which I have never done before) i dont know why i looked. It was all ok until I looked at Facebook messenger. I found messages to her from when I was pregnant. They were arranging to meet up, he was asking for pics of her etc.
We had just had our 2 year anniversary and had just had the best holiday that we still talk about now.
I can't tell if they met up as the messages jumped about a lot as they must have been texting too.
I text him on his work phone and sent him screenshots of what I had seen. He left work straight away and was white and teary when he came in the door. Telling me he loves me, he never met up with her, he didn't know why he messaged her and he put a stop to it as he realised what he could lose.
Without this, you'd think he was the ideal partner and dad.
I've been crying all day as I'm so hurt and feel that my memories of that time now are tainted.
Am I being OTT? I know it was 2 years ago bit I'm so upset.

Oh you poor love, that sounds awful. Remember you do not have to decide ANYTHING right now. You do not have to commit to any particular path of action or leave or anything irreversible.

I agree with not getting embroiled in things with her and her husband.
It may well be that he already knows anyway.

I would ask him what he plans to do try to get things back on track (e.g. councelling for him and both of you etc).

I honestly couldn't say how I would react in your situation, it's so personal.
Some people do get past such things, others don't.

I don't think there is any shame in you either walking away, or both fighting for your relationship with everything you have.

How are you feeling today Op? I've been thinking of you, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I want to stay in the relationship bit I've told him that he needs to build my trust again as it's gone completely.
He cried last night saying he was disgusted in himself for messaging her. He swears they didn't meet and looking through my old calendars he wasn't out on the day he planned to.
In the last two years, after this event, there were no messages to her or anything else untoward on his phone. Whenever he goes out, I'm always invited.
I'm still very sad and disappointed him.
He has blocked his ex on Facebook.
I just hope our relationship goes back to normal but time will tell.

I think you have done the right thing. You can always change your mind later if need be.

I think people either value being faithful or they don’t. Your fiance is in the latter camp. He may not have physically cheated (although I wouldn’t believe a word he said tbh) but it’s not a complete no go for him and I suspect the waterworks now are because the ex had shut it down and he is realising he may end up with no-one.
If anyone knows anyone who has messaged their ex to meet and for pics while their fiancé was pregnant and then became a completely reformed character and was faithful in their marriage until old age feel free to speak up but everyone who I have known to behave like this does it time and time again until the long-suffering partner either has enough or has had their self esteem so battered that they just accept cheating as a fact of the relationship.
Do what is right op but don’t feel you have to stay in the relationship just because you have a child and one on the way.

"He was begging me not to leave"

You say, "no darling, look at me, two weeks until I pop, I am not leaving. You on the other hand can get yourself to the far side of fuck for the next two weeks"

Take some time to centre yourself again, think long about what you need and what you want. He needs a short sharp shock at the very fucking least. And he has the cheek to cry?!

I would do as a pp suggested and send the messages to her with a very stern word along the lines of,"stay away you despicable human being he's very close to losing everything as are you. Awful position to put another woman in, especially as a mother yourself when I was pregnant. Pathetic"

I always try to think of myself in a situation before posting.. is it bad I imagined drop kicking him out the front door? I wasn't 38weeks pregnant when I imagined it though..

Tbh warning her off your man is the absolute last thing I’d do. He’s hardly te catch of the century and it sounds like it was him doing most of the chasing - asking for pics etc.
If I was going to message anyone it would be the dh but that would be because I wouldn’t see why she should be allowed to play happy families while you deal with the fallout.

You say, "no darling, look at me, two weeks until I pop, I am not leaving. You on the other hand can get yourself to the far side of fuck for the next two weeks"

This is brilliant.

@ncbabydue I would be inclined to agree with the above, and I certainly wouldn't be marrying him. I'm so sorry this has come to light so close to your baby arrival, or even at all cos it's not nice to find something like that.

If you choose to let him stay, make him crawl over hot coals to earn your trust again.