To report teacher/friend?

[upsideup]

Our friend is a teacher at the school dd2 has just started at, dd2 has always had a very close relationship with this teacher and we almost chose a different school because of this but had agreed that as friend/teacher wouldn't be teaching dc this year we would keep their relationship separate to school and friends job.

Its not going very well, dd is spending a lot of time talking to teacher at school which I don't think will help her make friends with other students, I'm also really concerned about what is being shared with dd. Friend/teacher has told dd private information about other teacher's that dd is taught by and there's two kids that dd doesn't like that friend teaches, dd has given a lot of information about the kids from primary school and sleepovers which she was asked to tell and teacher has showed dc one of the children's work and talked about their behaviour at school. Friend/teacher has always told us and dc about work but then we didn't know who they were talking about, now Dd knows the people she knows a lot of stuff about.

I would like to think dd wouldn't share any of this any further and have told her she shouldn't but she is only 11 and I can't be sure she wouldn't tell other students what they know about other teachers for example to show off. I don't want dd to get accused or get in trouble if anything ever gets out and I know eventually that might happen. I am also worried that although I think teacher cares dd that they wouldn't be that careful in keeping information they knows about her private. I have tried and then DH has tried telling them that they shouldn't tell dd these things and should be more careful but they say they're confident that dd wouldn't snitch or get them into trouble. I did threaten that I would talk to the school if it continued but that was laughed off and it has continued.

Dd has said its fine and they promise they wouldn't tell anyone anything and DH has told me to leave it and that we should just trust dd will not tell anyone and not worry about what friend/teacher does. I don't want to get friend in trouble or to ruin my relationship with them or their relationship with DC but I feel this is going to end badly for DC and know what they are doing is wrong to the other teachers/students.

WIBU to go behind to friend/ DH's and DC's back and talk to the school? What will happen if I do that?
Or should I sit back and just worry about what dd is doing and makes sure she does the right thing?

If you want to stay friends I wouldn’t go behind her back. There would have to be an investigation and depending on the nature of information she could be sacked. I personally think she probably should be.

I think you need to tell her firmly in a way that can’t be laughed off that she needs to put in place parent/teacher boundaries and stop gossiping to DD. She risks ruining her school life.

Oh blimey, what a difficult situation. I’d have one last chat with the friend and try to really get your point across.

Emphasise the fact that dd is still so young and making her keep this information a secret is a very big responsibility, which is too much pressure. It’s also morally wrong as it’s a breach of privacy regarding the other pupils.

You would be very very unreasonable to go behind your "friends" back to the headteacher. She's probably trying to make an effort with your daughter and yes it's inappropriate but you should just tell her that to her face! Don't go behind her back and tell on her and risk her career! Why would that even occur to you? Surely talking to her is the obvious solution??!! Are you sure you're her friend? I'd hate to have a friend like this! I literally can't believe that your first point of call would be to go and tell on her to her boss rather than simply talking to her.

This sounds very odd
Why would a teacher share confidentaial information about their colleagues and other students with your daughter?
I'm always suspicious of adults that ask children to keep their secrets
not stuff like what someones birthday present is obviously but bigger stuff

Im sorry but if she is deliberately sharing confidential information. She needs carpeting. Im not telling you to report or not to. HOWEVER sooner or later one of your dds friends or your dd is going to slip up to the "wrong" person.
If it were my child she was breaching confidentiality about I'd be like a box of bloody frogs.
How would you and indeed other posters feel of it were your child.

When I was in school a friend of mine had a very close relationship with a teacher. Spending break times in her classroom etc. I knew EVERYTHING about the staff social lives, who hates who, who's sleeping with who etc.
She also told about disciplinary procedures and, at one point, details of a student who we were told had 'left' but had actually been sectioned.
Granted, this was late 90s so a lot more relaxed, but I still think about it sometimes and wonder why it was never highlighted

I think DD and teacher-friend need to be told to ignore each other at school and never discuss any children. It's the only way.

DH and I used to work together but he was more senior. We made it a rule that he would never ever tell me anything privately that wasn't public knowledge.

@SleepyKate you need to wake. The OP and the DH have asked teacher/friend to stop. They laughed it off.
OP, talk to teacher/friend again and tell her exactly the above. Tell her that it has to stop and how serious you are about taking it further if it doesn’t.

You need to tell your daughter not to speak anything more than hello to this teacher while at school.

It seems baffling that a professional would be so inappropriate to discuss things like this with an 11 year old child. Very odd.

Don't report her though, she's obviously very fond of your dd but has blurred the boundaries.

You need to tell your daughter not to speak any more than a hello to this teacher.

Hold a minute it's not this childs fault or indeed responsibility that this idiot cant grasp the simple concept of confidentiality and I'll call her an idiot because she is an idiot.
I'm astonished with the amount of posters who think this women is doing nothing wrong.

Oof, this doesn't sound healthy at all really.
I think your friend-the-teacher has got to review her boundaries and professionalism!
Your DD might be only 11 but she surely understands that she shouldn't be finding out this stuff about other students and staff? And if she doesn't then you should let her know that she shouldn't!

I wouldn't go behind your friend's back but I would tell her that you think she is sharing inappropriate levels of info with your 11yo, who should not be placed in a position of "secret keeper" for the teacher.
And I would tell your friend that she is to stop sharing so much info with your DD.

You need to sit down with your friend and tell her this is not a chat, and it is not a laughing matter: it is a very serious conversation and if she does not pay attention to you you ARE going to have to report your concerns. Make it very clear that, in school, your daughter must be treated on the same footing as every other student, and she is not to be given confidential information. Tell her that you really don't want to get her into trouble and this is for her own good as much as your daughter's, but leave her in no doubt that if she doesn't pay attention you will have no choice but to go to the head.

Your definition of friend is very different to mine... and the dictionary

Id tell her your plan so she can dump you

How incredibly unprofessional of your friend. Unbelievable!
She could be in serious trouble for doing this.
Tell her it has to stop or you will report her. It is NOT a laughing matter.

Your friend is behaving very unprofessionally, especially as your daughter is so young, but as PPs have said, you cannot go behind their back without confronting them about this again.

How would the friend like it if their colleagues were gossiping to pupils but about their private life?

You've tried to deal with it informally. That hasn't worked.

I would escalate it. It's not "going behind their back", it's being responsible.

This isn't just about whether or not your DD is capable of keeping a multitude of secrets (about things she never should have been told), but the lessons she is learning through all of this about appropriate behaviour, about ethical behaviour, about professional behaviour, and how people in authority should behave.

For that alone - even before you factor in confidentiality etc which is just as serious - I would want it brought to a stop. If she wasn't prepared to behave professionally, then that leaves you with no other choice but to escalate it through more formal channels.

You, as the parents of the child in question, have asked her repeatedly to stop this behaviour and explained your concerns about the consequences. She has not listened to you, she hasn't acted on your requests, and she hasn't respected you. You're not the one with guilt to feel.

I would tell her one last time she should not be sharing this info with your DD, and that you are deadly serious about speaking to the school if she does it again, and she probably would be sacked. Even before your daughter went to the school, she should not have been telling you about the children she teaches. She is treating your daughter like a mini adult, which is a bit creepy considering she's a teacher.

I’m good friends with DS1s former headteacher, never once while she was in post did she do anything unprofessional. She’s told me, as a friend, things about other teachers that she used to work with, but I’ve never passed it on to anyone and certainly wouldn’t to DS1.

I think that you need to have a firm word with your friend, one more time, saying that unless they stop what they’re doing, you’ll have no choice to report them.

It’s holding your DD back and putting her in a horrible situation. That’s before you consider confidentiality breaches!

I'm a teacher and finding this really bizarre. Is the friend male or female? Because this sounds like grooming to me. If it's a female friend that you know & trust, then it's probably not, but even then it's a VERY odd 'friendship'.

I'm an adult. I have plenty of positive relationships with the pupils I teach, some of them I know out of school as well. I NEVER discuss personal things about pupils or staff. Why would I? I don't need to be BFF with an 11 year old.

I would very firmly tell DD not to go to talk to them, and would want to put in writing to the teacher that you're not happy about this 'friendship' and believe it should only continue out of school, if at all.

Sharing confidential info with another pupil is a sackable offense btw, so I don't know why the teacher laughed. I'd be terrified if someone thought I was doing that!

When is your DD spending all this time talking to the teacher ? When mine were at secondary school (and primary)there wasn't really any opportunity to hang out with teachers and chat to them. You went to your lessons, and at break you went outside or were inside eating your lunch. Are these chats happening before school starts or in afternoon after school ?

I would stress to your DD that she needs to spend her free time with the other pupils, not hanging about with the teacher. Also I would have storng words again with your teacher friend, tell her this has to stop, it isn;t fair on your DD, it will be separating her from her peers, who will start to see her as favoured, and it isn;t fair to burden a child with 'secrets' and gossip about other staff or pupils. I'd give her (the teacher) an ultimatum - she stops right now, and lets your DD get on with being just another pupil, or you report her.

Your DD's wellbeing comes before the friendship, and this woman has had plenty of chances to stop. She shouldn't need to be told how innappropriate this is.

Some of the replies on here are astounding. Do people not have any sense of ethics or professional conduct responsibilities?

Being a friend doesn't mean covering for another person's professional misconduct (what next? Criminal conduct too?), it means not putting another person in a position where they feel pressured to cover for your professional misconduct.

If the "friend" is doing something that carries disciplinary consequences - and they sound to be - then that is because they are doing something wrong and that weight rests entirely on their shoulders. If they're not prepared to act responsibly then they have to face the consequences.

@KickAssAngel female teachers have had affairs with female pupils.

OP I've been put in situations where I known confidential information about people in certain settings however as an adult I knew to keep my mouth firmly shut. Expecting a child to do the same is simply too much.

Warn your "friend" that if she continues to tell your daughter confidential information about other people at school you will be left with no choice but to report your concerns to the head. She should also avoid having your daughter in one-to-one situations as she isn't one of her teachers.

Tell your daughter that while she is at school she should only say "Hello" to your teacher "friend" and not hang around with her.

Upsideup - Is the teacher a man? You are careful to say 'they' but several posters are assuming a woman.
Male or female the teacher is not helping an 11 year old to make a smooth transition to secondary school with their gossip and extra attention. Other pupils are quick to spot any kind of favouritism.
Your DD should be making friends with pupils in her year and getting used to school routines. Hanging around with a teacher is not going to help her to do this.
You and DH need to spell out one final time to your 'friend' how inappropriate and indiscreet they are being. Dependent upon their response you may decide to speak to the school after that. Most secondary teachers have more sense than your 'friend'.

It's not just DD she's blabbing to though, is it? You said she used to do the same to you, except that you didn't know the people concerned back then

If this is all accurate, and she really does dismiss your concern, she must quite frankly be mad. Sooner or later she'll blab once too often or to the wrong person and then she'll hopefully be out of teaching - and a damned good thing too

Find out when their chats are taking place and give DD another place to be at those times eg if it's lunchtime can she sign up to a lunchtime club? if it's after-school tell DD she needs to be home earlier so doesn't have time to pop into your friend's class.
It's unusual that there's lots of opportunities for chatting during the school day so you should be able to add more structure to DD's day that means she doesn't have the time to chat.