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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report teacher/friend?

52 replies

upsideup · 18/09/2018 15:41

Our friend is a teacher at the school dd2 has just started at, dd2 has always had a very close relationship with this teacher and we almost chose a different school because of this but had agreed that as friend/teacher wouldn't be teaching dc this year we would keep their relationship separate to school and friends job.

Its not going very well, dd is spending a lot of time talking to teacher at school which I don't think will help her make friends with other students, I'm also really concerned about what is being shared with dd. Friend/teacher has told dd private information about other teacher's that dd is taught by and there's two kids that dd doesn't like that friend teaches, dd has given a lot of information about the kids from primary school and sleepovers which she was asked to tell and teacher has showed dc one of the children's work and talked about their behaviour at school. Friend/teacher has always told us and dc about work but then we didn't know who they were talking about, now Dd knows the people she knows a lot of stuff about.

I would like to think dd wouldn't share any of this any further and have told her she shouldn't but she is only 11 and I can't be sure she wouldn't tell other students what they know about other teachers for example to show off. I don't want dd to get accused or get in trouble if anything ever gets out and I know eventually that might happen. I am also worried that although I think teacher cares dd that they wouldn't be that careful in keeping information they knows about her private. I have tried and then DH has tried telling them that they shouldn't tell dd these things and should be more careful but they say they're confident that dd wouldn't snitch or get them into trouble. I did threaten that I would talk to the school if it continued but that was laughed off and it has continued.

Dd has said its fine and they promise they wouldn't tell anyone anything and DH has told me to leave it and that we should just trust dd will not tell anyone and not worry about what friend/teacher does. I don't want to get friend in trouble or to ruin my relationship with them or their relationship with DC but I feel this is going to end badly for DC and know what they are doing is wrong to the other teachers/students.

WIBU to go behind to friend/ DH's and DC's back and talk to the school? What will happen if I do that?
Or should I sit back and just worry about what dd is doing and makes sure she does the right thing?

OP posts:

T1memachine · 18/09/2018 17:11

I agree your teacher/friend is behaving highly inappropriately. My strong advice would be to report her, and this is why. If you don’t report her formally, but you warn her off verbally, she may well take umbridge and single out your daughter. She is clearly unprofessional with no values. If ever your daughter finds herself being directly taught by this woman, or assessed, or even disciplined by her and she acts unfairly against your daughter you will have no leg to stand on because you never reported her. If you log the incident now then your daughter is protected against any future unfairness when this unprofessional teacher suddenly decides to switch her allegiances or start sharing YOUR daughter’s work with other favourite pet pupils.

If you don’t formally log this you leave yourself wide open to future abuse directed towards your daughter.

KickAssAngel · 18/09/2018 17:14

btw - yes, there are females who groom females students, But 98% of convicted pedophiles are male, so that makes it far more likely that it is grooming if it's a male teacher. Still possible if it's a female one, but less likely.

Even if it is an 'innocent' friendship, I find it really weird that OP seems OK with her DD having a close friendship with another adult that crosses over so many boundaries of acceptable behavior.

AnoukSpirit · 18/09/2018 17:21

Teachers don't have "affairs" with pupils, they abuse them. That's why when we hear about it it's because they've been sent to prison and/or banned from teaching.

Peonylover123 · 18/09/2018 17:23

If you report to school, an inappropriate relationship could end up needing to be reported to the NCTL. This would ruin her. Not only would she potentially be suspended, she would struggle for potential years to find work until a decision is made.

It is not worth it. She isn't actually doing anything unfair she knows this kid, maybe thinks of her as a family member.

instead talk to the friend. explain your discomfort.

Whipsmart · 18/09/2018 17:25

Totally inappropriate behaviour from tacher no matter what their sex. (I suspect it's a man because you've avoided specifying!) Your dd is too young at 11 to be burdened with "secret" info about people that could well get the teacher fired if it came out. What on earth is teacher thinking, when there is no good reason to share office gossip wth a child? and why is your dh so dismissive of this very real problem? Was teacher his friend first by any chance?

Also alarm bells are ringing that this person is essentially "grooming" your dd to keep secrets.... never a good sign!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2018 17:37

She isn't actually doing anything unfair

I wish I could think you're joking but am afraid you're not

whyayepetal · 18/09/2018 17:39

OP, not long ago my DD was at a school where a (female) teacher had inappropriate relationships, one of them sexual, with pupils. She is not longer teaching, and is on the sex offenders register. Please know that the ripple effect of this sort of behaviour is immense, and in this case adversely affected many more pupils and teachers than the school ever acknowledged. This is serious. Please put your DD first.

KickAssAngel · 18/09/2018 18:08

She isn't actually doing anything unfair she knows this kid, maybe thinks of her as a family member.

I teach in a small school and was DD's teacher, and also taught all her friends (and not-friends). I never once passed on any inappropriate information. In my brain there was a rigid wall between my role as a teacher and as a parent. I never passed any info/gossip from the teacher part of my life to other parents, my DH, my DD, her friends etc. So, even when the child IS a family member, it is unfair to give them info that they need to keep quiet. DD was 13 when I was her teacher. I knew that it wasn't fair to expect her to keep secrets for me. Telling her would have been a huge breach of data protection, and if she passed on any info that was 100% my own responsibility.

I'm not convinced this thread is for real, but am hoping that other readers get just how much teachers don't/shouldn't treat children as friends/family, even when they actually are.

ForLikeEver · 18/09/2018 18:28

Speaking as a teacher, you friend is acting very inappropriately. There are both confidentiality and safeguarding issues here, both things that are taken extremely seriously in schools - something your friend will know about, have received information on in her contract/staff handbook and receive staff training in.

I suggest you have a serious conversation with her to remind her that this WILL have a serious impact on her role if you or somebody else reports it. If she continues to speak with your daughter in an unprofessional manner then it definitely needs reporting.

BooooHiss · 18/09/2018 18:37

Why on earth would a grown adult choose to hang out with an 11 year old and talk about work with them? And gossip about their colleagues? And encourage secrets?

This is really weird OP.

Original poster

upsideup · 18/09/2018 19:37

The friend is female, shes known dd since she was born and DH has known her for 20+ years and I am not concerned about her intentions or their relationship, they are close and get on well, that doesnt worry me.
She is my friend and I dont want her to get in trouble but it is more important to me that dd doesnt suffer because of it. We have tried talking seriously with her and its hasnt done any good, I will try again before I talk to anyone else though.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 18/09/2018 19:46

This is basically an adult in a position of authority who is engaging in an inappropriate relationship with a minor who has to spend her time in the institution where the adult works.

The secret keeping is a massive red flag that this adult is not trustworthy.

The adult is keeping the minor from developing normal friendships with her peers, setting her on a plane that is half way between student and teacher by imparting privileged information to her.

This has to stop.

You owe this woman nothing g, and you are going to lose her friendship because of this, but you must report what has been going on.

It's all very inappropriate, completely unprofessional, and downright creepy.

Your daughter is not the teacher's best friend.

Camelsinthegobi · 18/09/2018 19:50

Very concerning indeed. In fact, this relationship has lits of similarities to a grooming relationship. I’d stop seeing the teacher socially, inform them that if they talk to yojr child again and except about something to do with their education then you will inform the headteacher. Tell your DD not to talk to them except polite greeting. Write down everything your DD has said and keep it safe in case you need it in the future.

Oddcat · 18/09/2018 19:53

I was just about to post exactly the same BooooHiss

I don't think I know a single adult that would engage in gossiping with an 11 year old . This teachers morale compass is way off kilter.

Oddcat · 18/09/2018 19:55

When are these chats happening ? Haven't others noticed that they are spending time together ?

Thinkingallowed85 · 18/09/2018 19:57

I think you need to be more explicit. Say something like “ you know we love and care for you but I’m so concerned about this that if it doesn’t stop I feel like I will have to speak to the school. I really don’t want to do that. So please don’t put me in that position”.

continuallychargingmyphone · 18/09/2018 19:58

How peculiar. I’d report. I’d be worried that the teacher is trying to isolate your dd from her peers.

Original poster

upsideup · 18/09/2018 20:01

They don't talk to much at school, just if they bump into other they will briefly talk which I guess isnt a problem but was worried other kids might pick on someone talking to/being friends a teacher.
These conversation happen out of school, friend is round our house a lot and dd also does the same hobby as our friend who takes dd out to practice.

OP posts:

DownAndUnder · 18/09/2018 20:02

What do you mean by confidential information? The example of discussing 2 children your DD doesn’t like and their behaviour in lesson sounds like she could’ve just been reassuring your DD.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 18/09/2018 20:36

Your friend is not a friend. Singling out your daughter with their own little secrets.

She’s risking her entire career. And she doesn’t give a shit about you enough to stop it even after you’ve raised concerns.

I would have to doubt her intentions. Just because she’s known your daughter from birth doesn’t mean anything.

If a ‘friend’ dismissed my safe guarding concerns so lightly and refused to stop she wouldn’t be a friend any more (and would definitely be reported to the head)

mathanxiety · 18/09/2018 20:53

I agree there are a lot of similarities to grooming.

Why is the friend at your house so much?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 18/09/2018 20:59

Is it your husband's little sister that is the teacher OP? Your DD's aunt? If so, I can understand the close relationship and your reluctance to report.

I wouldn't report in this circumstance either, but have a serious chat. If she is your younger SIL, it's sometimes hard to treat them as an adult, when you have known them since they themselves were a child. However, this situation does need to stop.

WinnieFosterTether · 19/09/2018 08:41

If the conversations are happening in your house, you can control them. When the friend starts speaking inappropriately, you stop the conversation or send DD to her room. As for the hobby, I'd think about changing DD's schedule so it doesn't clash with the friends. I must admit I am confused at how she is showing your DD other student's work if this is happening in your house and at hobby practise. Is your DH more relaxed about this because he thinks you're exaggerating what is going on?

Original poster

upsideup · 19/09/2018 11:53

We are not actually related but I would say the relationship does seem a bit her being DH's younger sister and DD's aunt which is I guess why he is taking this less seriously.

OP posts:

TheRollingCrone · 19/09/2018 12:02

upside - you need to tell teacher friend in no uncertain terms to knock
the 'Miss Jean Brodie' shtick on the head.

DD needs to be making her own way in school - it's utterly selfish of teacher friend to monopolise her in this way - tell her to stop it or YOU will.

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