To be absolutely gutted that DD is leaving me?

[SouthSpain]

She's 20 and is going into her sandwich year of university, where she will be working in Australia at a marine conservation place. It's her dream and I am so proud. I'm just absolutely mortified.

She goes to a local uni and I see her every week. She's my only family and she's also really upset but admits she has to do it.

I'm so sad.

Actually, it depends where you're from. In my (Northern) town, mortified could be used in the exact context that the op has used it.
OP, hope you're ok, I'm sure it will be hard but Skype, Facebook etc will be your saviour. Any chance you can afford to fly out for a couple of weeks?

@SouthSpain As we're on the topic of language, look at your subject line.

You say 'leaving me'.

This is a term we'd use when a partner leaves, not a child.

It says a lot about how you see your relationship . Maybe you chose that phrase for impact on the web, I don't know.

She' s not 'leaving you'. She's locating to another country for a year. You still have a DD.

Do you work? Do you have friends? What can YOU put in your life so you are not so emotionally dependent on her?

poster QueenoftheNights , I find your comment very patronising , I have 5 dc aged 23,21,19 and twins aged 17 , two have completed uni , one is at uni and the twins are applying soon , certainly I feel Ike fitting a revolving door as they all come and go and spend less time with me , this does not mean I borrowed them , I am their mum and the nature of our relationship is changing and I’m both proud and happy for that .
I understand the terminology used but I disagree that my kids are on loan to me and my husband

poster SouthSpain to you , I can see how this will be difficult for you , I miss having all my children here and none have moved as far as your daughter ,

I feel your pain, but the best thing you can do is to build up your social life and other interests for your life after being a mother.

It is too much responsability and unkind to make your dd feel that your happiness depends on her.

mumwithovertime
I never used the workds 'on loan ' or 'borrowed'.

Maybe you are thinking of another poster?

I referred to her using the words 'leaving me'.

anyway this is AIBU- one person's idea of patronising is another' s just saying it how it is. Tough really!

QueenoftheNights I refer to your 16:49 post .

I have head this before , that my kids are somehow borrowed for a time , I disagree with this , I don’t need the concept explaining to me

No idea why that posted twice!

I have asked MN to delete one.

DOH! They deleted both.

Never mind.

I will try again LOL.

@QueenOfTheNights

anyway this is AIBU- one person's idea of patronising is another's just saying it how it is. Tough really!

Oh that old chestnut 'saying as it is' !!! AKA being rude, and arrogantly announcing that their opinion is the CORRECT one!

No, you are NOT correct - you are merely just giving a (rude and obnoxious) OPINION. Bet you don't talk to people like this in real life.

Many people are upset and feel a sense of bereavement when their child leaves home - whether they are going away to a uni 100 miles away, or whether they are going 10,000 miles away for one or two years. There is nothing wrong with them - OR they way they feel, so quit being so rude.

If you have never had kids leave home, then you don't know what the you're on about.

If you HAVE had kids leave home, and you didn't care/didn't feel anything, then I feel very sorry for you.

We should be proud when our dcs fly the nest - especially when it's to do something so interesting as a gap year abroad.

Unfortunately there's always someone lurking around who is keen to put the boot in. Sil is mega smug that she has all four adult dds living at home/close by and when my dc went to university there were lots of head tilts and "How sad" and " We're such a close family" comments .

Some people don't seem to realise that it is possible to be incredibly proud, delighted and excited-and heartbroken at the same time. I can only assume they don't have grown up children!

OP my son went to NZ to work for a year when he was 19.

I echo what others say- it is possible to feel different emotions all at the same time.

I know that you are feeling a loss- but what option would you prefer?
That she doesn't go to make you feel happy?

You need to invest in your own life a little more, her life is not your life.
My DS did come back and is living at home while my DD has just left for University last week.

I am throwing myself into work, yoga, had my hair cut, using my time to organise my wardrobes etc.

As a mother you know how to nurture- nurture yoursel!

Can you FaceTime?

Absolutely BertrandRussell, precisely what many of us feel!
Although my DCs are well grown up and have long left home I was/will be gutted if/when they move abroad whether temporarily or for work or heaven forbid please permanently.
DS had an Erasmus year abroad, DD has worked in a number of pretty remote countries and I've really had to give myself a good talking too and to be proud we have two individuals who can make the most of incredible opportunities.

@IrmaFayLear

Unfortunately there's always someone lurking around who is keen to put the boot in. SIL is mega smug that she has all four adult dds living at home/close by and when my dc went to university there were lots of head tilts and "How sad" and " We're such a close family" comments.

Urgh how rude. Someone assuming that their kids love her more than yours love YOU, purely because they have not left home (probably a decade or more into their adulthood!)

I think it's a good sign that you have raised strong, independent, confident young adults who are brave and confident enough to fly the nest. I cringe inside when I meet people 50+ who have several children aged 25+ who are still living at home.

I know one woman who has three children - two sons and one daughter, aged 33, 31, and 29, all still living at home. 2 of them don't work, and pay nothing to her for board money, and the third one only works 18 hours a week, and pays her £15 a week!

Also know several other families with 2 to 4 children who all still live at home, some well into their 30's are still there. The longer they stay, the more dependant they will be on you. Going to university is the making of many young people. Unsurprisingly, not one of these people who still live with their parents, more than a decade after reaching adulthood, went to university.

You say she is your only family- no brothers or sisters of your own, no parents, no living relatives at all?

Well I don't have any of the above and if the OP doesn't that will have just made her feel a bit more shit and me too

OP you can skype her, perhaps save up for a visit, and as pp have said it's the ideal time to invest in yourself, take up a new hobby/sport etc. Good luck and well done to your dd

@mumwithovertime

You have STILL misquoted me.

This was a line by ANOTHER POSTER.

Her user name is the first word of the quote. I wrote it in bold to show it was a quote from her.

poster A580Hojas how are children just on loan to us

@lindale3
For someone who calls me rude, you need to look to your own posts. Bloody hell!

I was saying the same as many other posters. One picked me up on being patronising. I cannot see what is remotely patronising about suggesting the OP puts energy into her own life and stops thinking she is devastated because her daughter is going away for a year.

I am probably decades older than you are and have seen so many friends and families go through this.

My BFs DD has lived in Oz for 7 years now. Another good friend has a DD who is married and lives in Oz, another has a DD working in NZ, another has 3 DCs in the UK but she lives overseas.

I have 2 DCs who left home and went away to uni. Don't come on here name calling when you know nothing about me, just because I advised the OP to invest in her own life. There was nothing rude in my post.

@DaysofOld

*'I am upser?'

Sorry, but if you're going to pick on the spelling and grammar of people, at least try and get your OWN right!*

Actually she was picking the OP up on her vocabulary, not her spelling and grammar

OP I haven't read the thread, but I do know it's tough when your child leaves home. We've had two fly so far.

I know it's trite but honestly, making new friends, starting classes, planning new hobbies, changing your routines if necessary-that's the way to go. And plan a holiday for yourself if you can.

@lindalee3
I cringe inside when I meet people 50+ who have several children aged 25+ who are still living at home.

Well that shows how out of touch you age. There are more adults aged 21-35 living at home now due to the cost of housing (in the SE mainly) than ever before.

Many don't have any choice, despite going to good unis and having good jobs. in the SE a young person is lucky if they can get a house-share for under £700 a month and more like £900 a month in London.

Not saying it's a good thing but it's very common and most of them are trying to save a deposit to rent somewhere, so it's short term.

Bit odd that you picked me up on being 'patronising' in a previous post when you appear not to know the reality of life for many young people.