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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely gutted that DD is leaving me?

72 replies

SouthSpain · 18/09/2018 13:59

She's 20 and is going into her sandwich year of university, where she will be working in Australia at a marine conservation place. It's her dream and I am so proud. I'm just absolutely mortified.

She goes to a local uni and I see her every week. She's my only family and she's also really upset but admits she has to do it.

I'm so sad.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2018 16:00

My mum has similar with my sibling . It’s so far away

Nature abhors a vacuum . Other opportunities and relationships may present

But soooo not BU to feel this Sad

LollyPopsApple · 18/09/2018 16:01

Do you mean you’re mortified to feel this way? Or ashamed at the fact she’s going for some reason?

It’s okay to feel sad and miss her! But think what an amazing job you’ve done raising a young woman with the confidence and drive to go across the world for her education. She’ll be back before you know it. Her doing this means you’ve done an amazing job as her mum.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2018 16:03

Perfectly understandable that you would be upset, and I'm sure she is too. BUT it's only a year and it will honestly zip past.
With Skype and facetime and all the rest, you'll be able to keep up with her really easily - ok, she won't physically be in the same space as you but honestly, it's still pretty good.

I don't think it would help anyone for you to pretend that you're not upset - of course you are, and your DD knows that you are and will be, and if you pretend that you're fine with it she might believe you and be hurt!

But being gutted and not "mortified" is a bit too far in the emotional range - you should still be proud and happy for her that she has the opportunity to do something so fantastic, and look forward to her return.

yakari · 18/09/2018 16:03

@exWifebeginsat40 South Korea is awesome, lived there for 3 years and would move back like a shot! Sorry totally missed the point of the thread ...

But only kind of, we moved to Asia about 10 years ago, I miss my mum every day and she misses me but there are so many adventures to be had and she has joined me on many of them. We have a shed load of memories and so many plans of things we'll do in the future.

There's not pretending it is horrible saying goodbye, so all the cliches are true plan activities to keep busy, set your own goals/dreams while she's away. If you can visit and it's something you both want then go but if she wants to do her 'thing' don't be offended, she's spreading her wings and that should be a moment of pride.

DaysOfOld · 18/09/2018 16:04

WOW, YANYBU at ALL. I would be gutted.

She is gonna have a good time though, and is living a life of fun and excitement, What she is doing is amazing.

I am sure she will come back. (((HUGS))) to you. [gflowers]

QueenoftheNights · 18/09/2018 16:04

Agree with the others. Oz is a long way away but it is for a year.
You say she is your only family- no brothers or sisters of your own, no parents, no living relatives at all?

You need to find other support from women your age. She is your daughter, not a partner or best friend. I think it's very unhealthy for parents to rely on their emotional wellbeing from their 'just out of teens' children.

She needs your blessing and FGS don't allow her to worry about you at this stage of her life. Please don't make her feel guilty about going.

DaysOfOld · 18/09/2018 16:04

BOLLOCKS I mean FLOWERS Flowers

Where the hell did that g come from grrrrrr

SilverySurfer · 18/09/2018 16:05

It's natural to feel sad but if it wasn't Australia it could be the other end of the country or getting married or moving away for work. You can speak to her often on Skype - it's not like the old days when you were lucky to get one phone call a year if someone emigrated. I chat to my friend in Australia on and off most of the day on Skype - time differences are the only problem.

She will soon be back home, a year flies by.

Havaina · 18/09/2018 16:05

Do you mean you’re mortified to feel this way?

That's what I thought OP meant LollyPops. Very presumptuous of people to tell OP what she meant.

LollyPopsApple · 18/09/2018 16:07

Yes, I suspect that’s what she meant, but I’d rather clarify than assume! Completely understandable for her to feel that way.

DaysOfOld · 18/09/2018 16:08

You need to find other support from women your age. She is your daughter, not a partner or best friend. I think it's very unhealthy for parents to rely on their emotional wellbeing from their 'just out of teens' children.

You're not wrong. But some mothers do. Especially if they are/always have been super close. (And if they are the only child.)

It will pass though. Takes half a year or more. But you do get used to them not being with you every single day It's a new phase and a new chapter in BOTH your lives, and you will get used to it.

And however much sadness/dread/fear/sadness the parent feels, the (teen/young 20-something) daughter or son is going to feel pretty much the same.

As I said though, it passes. Smile

DaysOfOld · 18/09/2018 16:10

And yeah, you can still be gutted/devastated/crushed and still wish your (adult) children well!

loveka · 18/09/2018 16:11

Sorry, people arn't being smart arses.

You just can't use a random word and expect people to understand you.

Mortified means embarrassed. "I am embarrassed that my daughter is going to Australia " has a totally different meaning to "I am.upser...etc etc".

Language exists to make us be able to communicate.

DaysOfOld · 18/09/2018 16:18

@loveka

'I am upser?'

Sorry, but if you're going to pick on the spelling and grammar of people, at least try and get your OWN right! Grin

Jeippinghmip · 18/09/2018 16:21

Congratulations to you for raising your daughter and congratulations to your daughter for landing such a wonderful opportunity.

Concentrate on your own life, keep busy, do lots of interesting things and she will be back in a flash! Don’t dwell on the negative, rejoice in the positive.

Your daughter could be all sorts of things for you to worry about, instead she’s amazing. What’s not to like? 💐

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2018 16:23

“You need to find other support from women your age. She is your daughter, not a partner or best friend. I think it's very unhealthy for parents to rely on their emotional wellbeing from their 'just out of teens' children”

I agree. But this does not mean you don’t miss them and yearn for them when they’re gone. I took my dd to university- cheerfully waved her goodbye- then howled like a banshee all the way down the motorway home. I dread the day when obe of mine says they want to emigrate.....

DaysOfOld · 18/09/2018 16:24

What @bertrandrussell said ^ Grin

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2018 16:24

“You just can't use a random word and expect people to understand you.”

You bloody can if it’s obvious from context and the reader is not an arsehole.

Jeippinghmip · 18/09/2018 16:27

FFS, can the ‘word’ police fuck off please?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/09/2018 16:28

FFS, can the ‘word’ police fuck off please?

This. We all knew what the OP meant.

mumwithovertime · 18/09/2018 16:40

poster A580Hojas how are children just on loan to us ? People at the church I used to go used to say similar to this , my children will always be my children , I’m happy for them to become independent as they are doing and have a life that doesn’t include me most of the time .But I certainly haven’t borrowed them from the library

QueenoftheNights · 18/09/2018 16:48

BertrandRussell

I am on the other side so to speak.

After uni I moved 7 hrs drive away from my parents. (Still in UK.) I know after they had dropped me off at my new job ( 40 yrs back) my mum cried all the way home.

But she never told me for years and years. My job allowed me only to see them around 6 x a year due to distance and working hours.

I have never gone 'back' but live slightly closer now.
I have friends whose DCs are in Oz, and have been there for years, I know others who have moved across continents and only see their parents once a year. They manage with technology and each doing an annual trip. Not great but the world is a smaller place now we have the internet and cheaper travel.

I do sympathise, but in my experience, some single parents do form a bond with their children which is a substitute for adult friendships and it puts a huge strain on the child.

SoupDragon · 18/09/2018 16:48

Sorry, people arn't being smart arses.

No, they’re just being arses. Nothing smart about it.

QueenoftheNights · 18/09/2018 16:49

poster A580Hojas how are children just on loan to us

They mean you see them every day when they are children.

As adults they tend to move out and often away, so you see them less often. it's called ''flying the nest'.

GrimSqueaker · 18/09/2018 16:53

My brother's just come back from New Zealand for a year - he still managed to piss me off as much as ever from that distance away. The internet can be a wonderful thing (or irritating as fuck when it concerns a twit of a younger sibling)

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