To tell friend she’s in the wrong about her DD (sorry it’s long)

[ashvivienne]

DD1 has a friend that lives about 4 hours away and has done for about 18 months she’s living there with her parents after they moved from our area. Our DDs have remained friends and are a similar age.
DDs friend drove up this weekend for a birthday party of another friends parent and has taken time off work to stay all week. The three girls have spent a lot of time together since Saturday - my DD drove girls back to ours early Sunday morning as she is pregnant so wasn’t drinking and they stayed with us on Sunday night as well.
DDs friend still has a grandparent here and obviously hasn’t had the time to jump up to see her yet. DDs friend has been in mine this morning upset because everyone has had a go at her for not going up and now grandparent is unwell (they don’t keep well as it is) and she needs to go up for when the doctor comes etc, the girls mum has also text me to tell the girl to go up to grandparents. DDs friend is very upset over the fact this has become her responsibility as she lived with the grandparent for a long stretch of time and was the one putting them into hospital and essentially caring for them but was berated by family members who didn’t visit about how much the grandparent looked after her and she now doesn’t speak to a few family members after a massive row.
I’ve written a text to the friends Mum (we are also friends) essentially saying I don’t think the responsibility should lie solely with her DD or that everyone should be getting angry that she’s had a busy weekend and not had the chance to go up yet and that she’s been very upset by a family member today over the situation.
OH doesn’t think I should get involved but the girls asked if she can stay with my DD at our house for the rest of the week due to the family member making her so upset something I think the parent should know especially. AIBU

I’m guessing they are adults as your DD is pregnant (despite you calling them all girls!)? If so then stay out of it. It’s none of your business.

They’re 20/21

Don’t send the text. It’s nothing to do with you. Keep out of it.

They are adults. Don’t get involved

Stay out of it. Issues among families are never straight forward. Pass on the message to your DDs friend and leave it there.

Support your DD's friend, but I would normally stay out of it as much as possible. However, as your DD's friends mother (also your friend) has text you directly, you could respond with something like "Sorry, I'm not willing to do that. Your DD is already upset and I'm not willing to add to the burden that everyone seems to want to place on her young shoulders. Perhaps one of the children rather a grandchild should come to see their mother?"

Op I think you did the right thing but also encourage the girl to call and speak with her parents

I don't think you are wrong to send the text, the girls Mother brought you into it when she sent you a message.

Sadly none of her children live in the country there is a cousin who is older than our DDs but it’s possible she is at work. DDs friend has said numerous times what was to happen if she had only come for the weekend or not at all who was supposed to deal with it all then and I have to say I agree.

Your OP is a bit wordy but basically this 20 year old is expected to go and see her grandmother who is ill, doesn’t want to and her mum is cross with her?

Not your circus and all that but I’d be annoyed with her too if I was her family. Selfish little cow.

I would try to stay out of things as best you can. Maybe respond once saying “your DD is an adult, I can’t make her do anything sorry, perhaps you could visit with her?”

None of your business and don't see why she can't visit grandparent.

The dm of OP's dd's friend what a mouthful 🙄 has involved OP so I think it's fine for OP to respond.

And I think OP you replied fine. Sometimes we need to get involved to help out another human being that is being brow-beaten by 'family' or whomever.

No she’s been expected to sit through a doctors appointment and more than likely once again put her very reluctant grandparent into hospital. Family is annoyed that she didn’t go to see her earlier despite the fact she has been busy as they know and is here for a full week still.

kieren selfish little cow? What an unpleasant thing to say. Are you usually rude?

Sorry, I think that she sounds selfish tbh.

Couldn’t she have gone to see DGM yesterday?

As a matter of interest though, who would have done the doctor/hospital but if she hadn’t been in the area? They’re a bit tight insisting she do that perhaps but I’m with the family on the visiting part. I had to travel 200 miles to visit mine when they were getting old and to the end of their lives, my cousins who lived in the next town never bothered. So that may be influencing me somewhat.

What an unpleasant thing to say. Are you usually rude?

Yeah pretty often. But she is selfish, reading between the many many lines. She’s been up three days now, I think she could have found the time personally

I feel very sorry for your DD's friend. She's very young to be coping with decisions like that. When my GM became ill and started needing to be hospitalised, also very reluctantly, it was hard for my DPs to deal with, and they were in their 50s at the time having raised their own DC. Her family need to have a proper plan in place, not rely on her being able to drop everything and deal with it.

Yes, it would be awesome if she would go. But the family have no right to demand it of her and berate her for not essentially foreseeing this.

It would be polite for her to go and visit, but it sounds like she's expected to attend a medical appointment with the grandmother and (reading between the lines) hep the grandmother manage her illness. That's a lot of pressure for a 21 year old. It would be better if the whole family sat down and agreed how they would handle things and plan a rota for visits/ attending medical appointments.

I’d keep out of it. A 20yo can speak up for themselves with their own family. It would be really odd of you to get involved imo.

Support her to visit but one of her parents needs to come to deal with hospital admissions etc. Being at that stage of life with elderly parents and young adult DC I would never expect one of them to deal with this alone.

I’m a bit of a busybody perhaps but I would text and say DD needs more support with this and one of the grandparents actual children needs to come. Obviously I’d say it quite tactfully.

If these girls are old enough to drive and get pregnant, they really don’t need you getting involved in their family dramas!

I don't agree, necessarily that a 20 year old can speak up for themselves tbh, but nonetheless I wouldn't intervene with a text, it's likely to inflame the situation rather than anything else.

It sounds to me as if DD's friend has by default become a carer for her grandparent, and that she is getting an unfair ongoing burden of expectation on her for such a young person. However, if she happens to be here and her grandparent happens to need help, she should probably offer that help in this instance. But I can see how it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and clearly the rest of the family need to step up.

I would stay out of it, however as the mother has text you directly perhaps reply along the lines of "I will pass your message to your DD, however I am very concerned for her as she is very distressed about what family members have said to her and thought I would give you a heads up that in this circumstance I think she could do with a bit of support in dealing with her grandmother and the hospital. Don't want to overstep the mark here but if it was my daughter I know I would want to know how effected she is and be able to help her."