To ask sister if shes sure shes making the right decision?

[milkytea]

I don't normally get involved with other peoples decisions. We all make mistakes and learn from them. However, DSis (I'll call her Jane) is ,21 and has been with her DP for just under a year. She's never moved out of the family home, and is very dependant on DM to do all the cleaning/cooking/ etc. She has now decided to move out and live with her DP. However they're just outright buying a house. Her DP wants to live near his family, so she has to move almost two hours away from all the family and friends. She's found the house she likes, has been accepted for a mortgage, and is very serious about this. Im just very concerned that she's only known this guy 11 months, they've never spent more than 2 nights with each other, and instead of renting or one of them moving in with the other (DM was fine with him moving there if DSis really wanted that), they're buying a house.

I want to make sure she definitely knows what she's getting into. But she's the kind of person who will get offended by being questioned on her choices

AIBU to voice my concerns?

I do realise I said I'd call her Jane and never did. Silly me

You’re not being unreasonable but she sounds like the type of person to take offence that anyone might question her plans. She’ll only learn from her mistakes - I’m a bit of a stubborn bugger like that too

I think it depends on what your relationship is like as to whether your concerns will make any difference to her decision. It would seem like a better idea to rent first! Out of interest how on earth are they affording this house?

Don't waste time and energy worrying about something when you can't do anything about it anyway. She's a grown up. She'll have to learn to cook and clean, won't she? Needs must. If it all goes pear shaped, she'll survive I'm sure.

Living together will happen one way or another and after 11 months it sounds reasonable. Is there some big drip feed coming about his age, behaviour or something else? If not, your only legitimate concern is the "permanence" of buying. All she stands to lose are buying costs; stamp duty, survey, solicitor fees to buy, agency fees on sale and solicitor fees on sale; that's not so bad as possible "mistakes" go. Make sure she's being sensible about the names on the title deeds having a fair split based on what they each put in. Check department of environment flood maps and support them in reviewing the search paperwork from the surveyor, but they need to live somewhere so I don't see why not.

waits for drip feed

If all her money is protected then you'll have to leave her to it.

Sounds like a mistake she needs to make then learn from tbh. Just let her get on with it. Don't gloat too much when it goes tits up.

She might lose money but people do lose money on decisions they make when they are young, it happens, you move on.

Maybe they’ll make a packet on the house, get married, live happily ever after.

11m isn’t that short a time. I’ve know people get married and buy a house to a shorter timescale and still be together decades later. Sometimes you just know.

Better to buy a house than to have kids.

She can easily walk away from a house

I agree it’s nuts to buy a house with someone before you’ve lived with them. However, people do it all the time. I’d voice your concerns, gently and make sure she knows you recognise that it’s ultimately her decision.

Better to rent than buy of course if they've only spent two nights together.

In my family, we see it as our job to 'interfere' (as what are family for than guidance and support) and one if us siblings if not Mum would have talked through the pros/cons with a 21 year old, but then supported their decision. Some 21 year olds are more like 16 and others more like 25 so she may be aware of all you'd say already, but she may not.

First off I think it’s nice you’re concerned about her. But your mum seems ok - do you think maybe you’re over protecting?

It’s a tough one. In retrospect I wish someone had taken me aside and given me advice when I was young and muddling through. But would I have listened? Probably not. Only you know what sort of relationship you have with your sister and whether she’d take things on board.

If you’re fairly close I’d consider a chat just saying have you thought about x, y and z? And then leave her to it. You can’t stop her. If you try to she’ll hate you. And you never know maybe this is the push she needs to grow up and learn to use the washing machine!

She might come into her own! She’s done all the right things so far, finding the house, mortgage, without help presumably.

She’ll sink or swim but it’s her life. I’d be supporting her not trying to put her off her next step to independence. She’s going two hours down the road near her partners family, not setting of for the artic!

Is it because you think she should stay with your mum?

There’s literally no point saying anything to her. It will just cause aggro. She’s gping to do this anyway so just keep an open mind and an open door for if she needs you later.

Off not of

She’s 21, I think it’s great that she’s cutting the apron strings. If she’s 2 hours away, she can’t run home to mum every time something goes wrong. Her boyfriends parents are nearby if anything goes wrong.

I think it’s quite refreshing to hear someone young standing on their own 2 feet instead of living at home till their 35 being funded by the bank of mum and dad.

CurlyWurlyTwirly

I agree, I owned my own home at 22. I can’t see the problem.

She must be doing something right if she's been approved for a mortgage aged 21. How old is the DP? Are the finances equal - or are you worried that she might end up isolated and financially dependent on him?

How much older are you than she is?

I would absolutely take my sister out for coffee or lunch and chat to her about the risks in a very neutral way. You may learn from her that they are very committed and happy. Will she have a job there? Does she feel that is the right place for her?

I met DH at 22, moved across the country to live with him a year later. No, we didn't BUY a house immediately but I still uprooted myself at a fairly young age for a relationship. We've been together for six years now, married for two.

The first time I lived with anyone was with my ex husband was when we bought a flat together (prior to getting married). We got married and divorced but not until 17 years later.

If they want to be together and this is the way they chose to do it so be it. I assume they will be buying as TIC and having a deed drawn up to show deposit contributions if their contribution is not equal.

You'll never be able to tell anyone who thinks they are in love and with the "one" that they are making a mistake.

DH and I moved in together for the first time when we bought a house together, mortgage, cockatiel, the lot, and we were fine. We had been together about 2 years and were about 27 so older than your sister. We are still together now and on to our second house together. I can some times work out. I think my concern here would be how young she is, but I doubt you can say anything to make her think twice if she's this determined - you may cause more problems than you solve if you get involved.

I do think 21 is young but some 21 year olds are more mature than others.

Me and DH got married 5 months after meeting and didn't live together first. I was 24 and DH 22. We have been married 39 years and are very happy

How sensible and worldly is the boyfriend?

I went to uni away from home at 18 and the number of people who couldn't cook was astounding. They had never even opened a pizza from the supermarket and put it in the oven. They had never cleaned because Mummy did it for them, never put a load of washing into a washing machine before. Had no idea how to use a machine at a launderette.

They had never been taught to budget or manage money. It was a tough first year living in a house with them.

Your sister will just be on a massive learning curve. If the boyfriend is the same then they could have issues with regard to managing finances etc.