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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and school uniforms

33 replies

Brandnewshit · 17/09/2018 23:05

My abusive ex of 2 dc is a treat, he decuded over school holidays that because i had the audacity to ask for a contribution to music lessons for my dd, that i deserved a tirade of abuse.
We only have contact over a separate email account i check once a week.
He contributes the legal minimum calculated by cms, he decided to reduce the amount by adding his new partners kids to the claim by £50 a month, the kids added are 18 and 15 btw.
I provide all clothing, school uniform and haircuts. He thinks his £3 a day per dc is sufficient.
I have ms, i am in receipt of benefits and am single with no other income.
So after me telling him i wasnt going to fund clothing for a holiday he was taking them on he reduced the claim.
My Dc have come home in uniform that they were sent in Fri pm, returned at 9pm this evening, there uniforms smell, foisty like they haven't been washed or dried properly
Now he messes about with the reduced amount of cms by paying 3/4 days late as he knows that he has 5 days before cms give a shit
Aibu unreasonable to send kids in causal clothes that he prob won't return but are a damn sight cheaper, as he does this regularly to piss me off, that he has to sort out a full set of uniform if he has them on the Sunday night of his eow.
I am mortified that they have both been to school today in uniform that didnt smell clean.
Im now sat with washer on, yes i have plenty of shirts and spare skirts, trousers all my cost, but the pricey logo jumper and cardy i only have one each till he pays his cms late
Aibu in telling him he needs to sort out uniform he can insure is clean and the uniform i bought is washed and dried properly on my access times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brandnewshit · 18/09/2018 07:31

Anyone?

OP posts:
Teabay · 18/09/2018 07:36

How old the DC?

ShalomJackie · 18/09/2018 07:40

If they have been at school all.day in the uniform maybe it smells a bit because they have worn it.

If his partner's kids live in his household he is allowed to apply for the reduction.

I get that you are not being paid a decent amount of maintenance and that younhave issues with your ex but I think you are maybe reading more into it.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to was their own uniform when they are at their Dad's if you are not sure it is being done.

Or alternatively make sure that when they go to school on Friday it is clean stuff they wear so it is only 2 days of wear.

RedSkyLastNight · 18/09/2018 07:50

I'm also not sure how at 9pm on a Monday you can tell that the uniform wasn't clean first thing.

if you have loads of shirts/skirts/trousers then can't you send the DC with a clean set of those for Monday morning and wash their jumper/cardigan Monday nights? At my DC's old school hardly anyone had more than one jumper at it was the norm to wash once a week (or even less frequently).

I also need to think you need to separate maintenance from making sure your DC are ok.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/09/2018 07:50

He sounds like a bastard that's for sure. I'm sick of reading about men like him on MN. No right to call themselves fathers.

Does he have some uniform at his house? As much as you're annoyed by this loser I wouldn't do anything that will impact on your dc tbh.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 18/09/2018 07:53

Oh please. There's a world of difference between end-of-day dirt and horrible old mustiness. And the maintenance is a joke, paying it late is taking the piss. He is an arse.

Oodilally · 18/09/2018 08:01

You should get legal advice on this, his payments should be a set amount that can't be changed and paid on the same date each week/month. You can get a judge to do this if you have proof he's not sticking to his end of the agreement, proof of reduced payments or late payments will help. As for the 18 yr old, unless that "child" is in further education and still declared as a dependent then legally he's not responsible for them. Legally he's financially responsible for his own children BEFORE anyone else's.

Oodilally · 18/09/2018 08:02

If he's reduced the already minimum payment he's already in trouble

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 18/09/2018 08:04

Let cms get the money for you.

Original poster
Brandnewshit · 18/09/2018 08:04

It has been washed over the weekend and not dried properly it stank of that foisty undried, sat in a washing machine smell.
My son has also come back with no tie and daughter no coat.
I think he should provide uniform for them at his that he ensures is clean.
Im not sending them with spare sets as he doesn't return items as it is.

OP posts:
popsanddolls · 18/09/2018 08:08

I spoke to cm the other day regarding my 13 year old whose dad his contributed £16 in 13 years. I was told if he provides the minimum amount of cm if I wanted to take that route then he wouldn't have to provide anything else. Like clothing or uniforms or anything whilst my son is with him. That would be my responsibility. I was shocked by their response

Oodilally · 18/09/2018 08:11

That minimum payment is what he's legally required to give you before any other finances come into question, sorry for the drip feed I'm trying to find some info for you and have to keep leaving the post. I'm almost certain the amount will only change if his income changes, he's paying for someone else's kids? Please! They're not his kids and where's their dad to provide? Not his responsibility but your kids are definitely his responsibility. A judge would wipe the floor with him, I suggest you get a court order, (in some cases you could also make him pay the court costs as it's his actions that led you to do it)that way there's no dodging out of providing for the kids, if he did, even once he'd be in contempt and risks being arrested and worse. I know that sounds drastic but parents who don't provide for their kids are a waste of air and this is the only way to get what you need out of them

Beaverhausen · 18/09/2018 08:13

Can you appeal with CMS regarding the age of his partners kids etc?

Oodilally · 18/09/2018 08:14

As for uniform and clothing related problems, yes he should provide the same things when they are staying with him, but some might say the cm payments could cover that. Keep a written account of everything to take to your solicitor as proof that he's not complying with your agreement, if you don't have an agreement I suggest you get one written up, get him to sign it

WhoWants2Know · 18/09/2018 08:15

Unfortunately, I think it's standard that CMS will lower the minimum amount when the NRP has other children join the household.

popsanddolls · 18/09/2018 08:17

Speak to cm they will tell you like they told me he doesn't have to provide anything if he pays cm. Which is an absolute joke I know. X

Original poster
Brandnewshit · 18/09/2018 08:17

It is cms calculated and instructed by them, he does the 3/4 days late thing as he knows he has 5 days
With regards to a court order, i dont want to withold any access, my kids are more important.
There is no reasoning or speaking to him civilly, hence the separate email address.
He is a horribly abusive person

OP posts:
Oodilally · 18/09/2018 08:19

My FIL remarried and has two nonbio children in his household, he's still ordered to pay cm for his ds with ex wife at a set amount each month regardless of the other children living with him and new wife.

Oodilally · 18/09/2018 08:22

Court order will be for cm payments only, access is up to you, there's no need to restrict it if you don't want to, but you can get your payments done this way to stop him messing you about, he'll keep doing it if he knows you're going to allow it, it's your kids that suffer as a result so I advise you to see someone about it.

Quandary2018 · 18/09/2018 08:26

Oodillaly is very misinformed. The nrp can reduce their payments if they take financial responsibility for other children they live with. It means the minimum he has to pay is adjusted to a lower amount.
He hasn’t done anything wrong in that respect and he’s playing off the cms rules about 5 days leeway on payments being made.
Doesn’t mean he isn’t being an arse about things- my exh wanted me to set up a separate account and provide receipts for any maintenance he paid- that was laughed at by cms but what your ex is doing would not be as he’s complying with their rules.
Yes he should ensure uniform is clean, yes he probably ought to provide some himself if he were decent but technically cm covers the Nrps contribution to everything.
It sucks.
I would suggest, if your dc are old enough, that they take responsibility for ensuring their uniform is cleaned properly whilst at their dads and take that element of control away from him

Original poster
Brandnewshit · 18/09/2018 08:26

It was a set amount but he had it reduced by adding the non bio kids in spite because i asked for a contribution to an extra curricular music lesson, this was after him threatening to do it for months anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Brandnewshit · 18/09/2018 08:44

I dont doubt hes washed it, its the drying, it stunk foisty.
I told my son his stuff was in the dryer not hanging in the normal place this morning as it had been rewashed, he said he noticed it smelt yesterday but didn't want to say anything
Im so angry

OP posts:
angieloumc · 18/09/2018 09:07

I know you don't want to prevent your ex seeing your DC but what about him returning them on Sunday evening rather then taking them to school Mondays. I know it will mean you having to wash their logo things that night but better than them going to school with smelly clothes. He's an arse isn't he your ex?

Original poster
Brandnewshit · 18/09/2018 09:24

Oh he is a total fucking dickhead.
I think im going to give him 2 options, drop them sunday or buy uniform.
I know im going to get abuse from him. Im still so scared of him.
I check the email account once a week and its a struggle, i end up having anxiety attacks if he has emailed me.
AIBU about this, he always turns everything back to me being a shit mum, hes reported me to SS in the past about stupid stuff, ive had police involved in the past too

OP posts:
ScabbyBabby · 18/09/2018 09:36

I would definitely have the children back Sunday if he is amenable to this and I would say he would be because he sounds selfish.

You can go for the payment through CMS where they collect it for you direct from him. They charge him to do so. They charge you 6% too I think plus a £20 application fee which they will waive if you can prove he has been abusive- if you have called the police previously this might be enough.

This will stop him messing you about. Phone the CMS today and get all this put into place. It will take away his power. He will have to prove he has responsibility for the other children- they won't just reduce it on his say so if you are not in agreement.

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