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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Lying ex was 3 hours late dropping baby back

52 replies

user1496231209 · 17/09/2018 21:10

Second time DD's dad had her without me and it was bloody awful which ended up with me calling the police.
We came up to London so he could take her to see his grandad and agreed to drop her to me at the station for 3pm.
He left me and my 7 year old son stood there till 6.00pm and I used the station phone to call the police at that time because my phone died and he still hasn’t come back and she’s only 6 weeks old. He was ignoring my texts phone calls after texting at 4pm to say he’d lost track of time. I tried to ring straight after that text three times with no answer.
My older brother came and got my eldest as I was too scared to leave encase he turned up.
When he did, DD was dressed in just a vest and he stared shouting at me telling me she was too hot in a babygrow. He then proceeded to pull out a babygrow which apparently was soaking when I handed him but clearly he had dipped it in water as it didn’t smell of urine and wasn’t even the one she was wearing when I dropped her off but the spare one I packed.
He was really verbally aggressive and said if I wanted to make trouble (cause I called the police) then he could do the same for me.

Since then I've had numerous texts filled with lies about me, my parenting, my mental health and the aggressive incident which took place.

I'm still in such a shock and his latest text has said he will be down at 2.30 on Saturday to see DD. Am I being unreasonable denying contact until I've arranged mediation and from there obtained a court order in regards to contact and residence?

[EDITED by MNHQ to remove identifying information]

OP posts:
Claw001 · 17/09/2018 21:39

Sorry that’s a bit confusing, how did him calling the police show he was on the birth certificate?

I assume you called the police to tell them he had not returned your dd?

colditz · 17/09/2018 21:40

Tell the social services EVERYTHING

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 17/09/2018 21:40

Seek legal advice. You need a court order should he not bring her back then the police can.
No way unsupervised until then.

LIZS · 17/09/2018 21:45

You don't have to give a reason. She is too young to be away from you, full stop. It does not work for her.

3ChangingForNow · 17/09/2018 21:45

To PPs: Why on earth is 6 weeks too early for a child to be alone WITH THEIR FATHER ffs Hmm

Obviously in the case of this father it is a different issue. I think you will have to go through official channels as he is not going to take what you want or need seriously. Legal advice asap, with the police report.

NorthernLurker · 17/09/2018 21:46

Don’t give a reason. Jus5 say it’s not appropriate. Anything he says, you just says it’s not appropriate.

NorthernLurker · 17/09/2018 21:48

A father who is with their child full time from birth and supports the mother is safe and appropriate to be alone with them at 6 weeks. A father who has spent v little time with a baby should not b3 alone without the mother for an extended time. The baby needs their primary caregiver. He isn’t that.

StuckSoutherner · 17/09/2018 21:54

Oh OP, what a twunt he sounds! If you struggle with legal aid contact your local University law schools - many have pro bono units and will have advanced students who may be able to help either completely free of charge or for a minimal fee x

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 17/09/2018 21:57

Even with a court order its unlikely the police will intervene and insist the child is returned to the mother. Even if he is late back, refusing to return the baby etc etc, you both have pr. If with a court order he decided to keep the baby you would need an emergency court hearing. Even though a court order is good and the way to go if their are major issues with contact, its still not easy to get the child returned to you.

Gersemi · 17/09/2018 21:59

You will only be entitled to legal aid if there was domestic violence involved. If you are not, Women's Aid may be able to help, or a Law Centre.

Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 21:59

I’d get advice about how to contact him and what to say. Just get as much advice as you can. Don’t engage with him at all until you do. He can text as much as he likes, don’t even read them. Make sure you just get rest and look after yourself, priority number one is you and baby. Nothing else matters at this stage. He can wait.

GrouchyPreggoLady · 17/09/2018 22:00

6 weeks is too young for a baby to be out all day with the father, ESPECIALLY if the baby is breastfed.

He sounds awful, keep all messages, try to make sure you record any phone calls - there are apps your u can download to do this. Evidence is key... Also your GP will be able to give testament to your mental state, so unless your ex is a medical professional then I wouldn't hold any weight to that.

C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2018 22:05

Yes very reasonable.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 22:14

Good luck OP. How awful for you. As others have said professional legal advice and DD doesn't leave you at all for now.

user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 12:59

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable and it's quite long so please stick with me!

Five weeks ago It was the Second time DD's dad had her without me and it was bloody awful.
We came up to London so he could take her to see his grandad and agreed to drop her to me at the station for 3pm.
He left me and my 7 year old son stood there till 6.00pm and I used the station phone to call the police at that time because my phone died and he still hasn’t come back and she’s only 6 weeks old. He was ignoring my texts phone calls after texting at 4pm to say he’d lost track of time. I tried to ring straight after that text three times with no answer.
My older brother came and got my eldest as I was too scared to leave encase he turned up.
When he did, DD was dressed in just a vest and he stared shouting at me telling me she was too hot in a babygrow. He then proceeded to pull out a babygrow which apparently was soaking when I handed him but clearly he had dipped it in water as it didn’t smell of urine and wasn’t even the one she was wearing when I dropped her off but the spare one I packed.
He was really verbally aggressive and said if I wanted to make trouble (cause I called the police) then he could do the same for me.

Since then I've had numerous texts filled with lies about me, my parenting, my mental health and the aggressive incident which took place.
He's made two false malicious allegations to social services regarding me being neglectful and when that was disregarded as being malicious he upped the anti and said I threatened to kill him, kill my DD and smother her with a pillow cause she looks like him. Thankfully they saw straight through him, didn't open a case and referred me to woman's aid who have been amazing. He's made false allegations that I stole from him and this has resulted in me waiting to be interviewed under caution (these were clothes he brought for her online). I've been put back on antidepressants for anxiety which is currently through the roof and I'm living back at mums as I'm struggling massively. We keep getting silent calls on her house phone which make me terrified and I'm having panic attacks most days about what he's capable of even though he's never been physically violent

I've managed to sort out mediation and I stopped all contact after that incident took place at the train station. I want legal safety in place so he can't keep her and also I want supervised contact due to the allegations he made against me being so horrific. Is this unreasonable? I want him to have contact but I just want it to be safe

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 18/10/2018 13:09

He is harassing you

Keep all records of what he is doing. Refuse contact and have him take you to court for access

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/10/2018 13:12

Please go to the police asap. Get the harassment on record and make sure the police know about everything (they should take this behaviour seriously).. And try to find a solicitor who can advise you about contact. Can you change house number?
As for contact. If you really feel you have to. Look for a contact centre near you. Until baby is older, do not leaybaby alone with him. Every time have it at a contact centre.

Feefeetrixabelle · 18/10/2018 13:20

Would you consider moving into a refuge for a short period of time. It would be a safe space that he won’t be able to find so your anxiety might be helped by that. It would also help stop the calls to your mums address. They would also be able to give you intensive support in arranging harassment orders etc against your ex partner

Aprilislonggone · 18/10/2018 13:23

Keep a diary op, timelome all calls /texts /harassment.
Nc until a judge tells you otherwise.

AnotherEmma · 18/10/2018 13:25

He sounds abusive. Was he ever physically violent or aggressive to you? Have you ever disclosed the abuse (physical/emotional/other) to the police, a healthcare professional, or an organisation like Women’s Aid?

To get legal aid you will need evidence of his abuse. See rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/family-law-legal-aid/

I suggest you call Women’s Aid and the free Rights of Women Family law helpline for advice.

user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 13:59

Thank you everyone
The police did come around after one of his texts was reported and said it wasn't harassment as he 'just wanted to bring his family down to see his daughter' they made me feel like I was wasting their time it was awful
Woman's aid and a local DA charity have been amazing and are supporting me through this whole process x

OP posts:
user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 14:01

I've been offered a place at a refuge if his behaviour continues to escalate and the police said I can't apply for a non-mol or injunction as it doesn't reach threshold to be considered as such

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 18/10/2018 14:27

Make a timeline of everything. Every call. Every text/email. Every accusation. One or two texts won't make your case, it's everything. Are you in England?
Also tell your health visitor & GP. Get it in the system

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/10/2018 14:36

Talk to the police about a check via Claire's law as well. And insist on talking to an officer about PHA act. Ask what evidence they expect before they can charge your ex (make sure you have the timeline of incidents, including dates of calls etc).

AnotherEmma · 18/10/2018 15:50

“Woman's aid and a local DA charity have been amazing and are supporting me through this whole process”

Good Smile