To be a bit annoyed that my friend, who was looking after my baby, let her daughter take her to the park on her own?

[AnnaFW]

Hiya, my 14 month old daughter was being looked after by my friend (bit of an emergency, so was last minute). Her daughter was home (18) who I haven't ever met before, she's at university, so she isn't there much.

I come to collect my daughter and I'm greeted by my friend who tells me "oh they're at the park" and I'm obviously concerned asking who is and she goes so casually "(her daughter's name) and (my daughter's name)"

I've never met her daughter and it seemed a bit unreasonable to not even let me know.

AIBU?

YANBU. If take on care of someone else’s child, I am with that child the whole time. I would never delegate that responsibility without running it by the child’s parent. I would have been really thrown too if I was you. However I would probably drop it, but I wouldn’t leave my baby with them again.

She is in her second year, so she is what? 19/20?

I'm not on the fence any more!

Your DC would not have known the friend's daughter and for such a young one that is more to the point than anything else. It's done now though.

For the sake of debate however i declare myself in the YANBU camp :)

''Young one'' meaning the 14 month old.

I also thought this was going to be about a 10 year old taking the baby for a walk.How come you haven't met your friend's daughter? If you know her well enough to ask for childcare favours, I would have thought you would have met her family.

YANBU I wouldn't have been happy either. Whether it was a last minute emergency or not, the care of a toddler is at stake. Although most 18 year olds are perfectly capable of looking after a young child, your friends dd does not know your child, their little ways etc. My child was a real runner at that age and would have legged it given a chance. She only had to look at her phone or something for a second and the child could have been gone.

Lovely thing for your friends dd to have wanted to do but naughty of your friend to allow it tbh, she should have shown more thought and respect for you, favour or not. I would leave it for the sake of your friendship however would never leave them in her care again. I personally wouldn't be able to trust her in that scenario. Who else would she let look after her out of sight? Safeguarding issue imo but maybe I'm letting my thoughts get carried away!....

Hmm, I would be a bit pissed off about this. She was left in the care of your friend. If anything had happened she would have been responsible. Why didn't she just text you and check you were ok with it first ?

i think you're being a bit U, in that you trust your friend, and your friend trusts her DD. i wouldn't leave my baby with someone that i didn't think had good judgment, and that includes letting the baby be looked after by someone else that person trusts for a short period.

Now, i've got several family members i don't trust, and my dc wouldn't be left with anyone that might think those family members trust worthy.

Either you trust her or you don't. I know it feels bad, but you've got to think whether your friend really exercised poor judgment here - I'd say not.

How long have you known your friend?

I can see your point, but on balance, and especially since your friend was helping you out in an emergency, I'd say YABU to say anything. If your friend had called or texted you and said 'DD18 is taking your DD to the park for half an hour,' would that have made a difference? I imagine that you'd have said 'Sure, thanks so much for stepping in when I needed you.' I know I would have.
Was it partly the timing, that she wasn't at home when you arrived?
I think you have to accept that you relinquish some decision-making when you hand your child into the care of others.

It's an adult I haven't met

It's not just a random adult, though, is it? You presumably trusted your friend, she knew her daughter was trustworthy, and your child was absolutely fine and probably had a lovely time in the park. Unclench.

To be honest you left her in the care of a friend. The friend, being in charge at the time, did not see an issue. If you are going to leave your child with people, you really need to learn to trust them.

Don't see the problem tbh

I’d be okay with this.

So according to some PPs, it would’ve been perfectly acceptable for OP’s friend to let any adult over 18 that she trusted take her baby out alone??

I’m with you OP.

Where do you get that from, Fannydango? The friend obviously knows her daughter very well indeed, that doesn't translate into her trusting any random adult. My DD could certainly have been trusted with a 14 month old at the age of 19.

If you have never met her daughter then this friend can not really be a very close friend or you do not know her very well and/or for too long I presume.
So you let someone you don't know well enough, who then entrusted the care of your child onto (her daughter) another adult who you don't know at all..... on top of that it was free childcare/favour. Child was fine at the end of it all....
If this has bothered you so much, then you seriously need to look into having several professional babysitters/childminders on your contacts to fall onto when it comes to emergencies. Because when you don't pay for a service then you can't really dictate or have too many expectations.
I would be mad at myself first, before being mad at someone else.

the friend didn't hand the baby over to any random adult, did she? It's never going to be someone random is it unless you have really poor choice in friends.

Every right to be annoyed. You trusted your daughter to your friend to look after not her daughter. It doesn't matter if it was her 60 year old mother, you still haven't met that person and agreed they are sound. I would notch this one up to experience and not ask this friend again.

If I were in your friend's position and you expressed your displeasure at the way I had cared for your child while facilitating your emergency, I would be upset and hurt, and I wouldn't offer my help again.

I agree with you OP, it another person you don't know looking after your child alone. They don't know you, your parenting methods or your child. What if the baby became upset or have a tantrum, or got injured?

I see if no different to having a friend care for your child and them allowing another friend, sister, brother, parent, parent in law or anyone else take them out to the park. It's not appropriate.

But I wouldn't say anything, and wouldn't let them care for my child again. Or maybe take something as a thank you (bottle of wine or invite for dinner etc) and try to casually mention something if you can.

YANBU. I would feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Your friend should have just checked with you to make sure you were ok with it. Doesn't feel right to me somehow, but no need to fall out over it, I don't think.

It's your friend's daughter so on that basis you are being unreasonable. If it was another friend or adult it would be weird but she's obviously going to trust her own adult daughter to take your little girl for a walk to the park. She was doing you a favour at short notice and probably needed a break for a while.
Don't ask her again if you don't like her choices, you'll have to find other emergency childcare and be more precise in your instructions.

I wouldn't care that I hadn't met the friend's DD. You obviously trust your friend and she trusts her daughter, who is an adult.
I would be more annoyed that presumably your daughter doesn't know your friend's DD. I think at 14 months old she's too young to be left with a stranger needlessly.