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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to kick start our sex life

39 replies

Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 18:57

Changed name as don't want this linked to other posts but been a member for a while... Penguin bollards, cancel the cheque etc

So dp and I have been together for 6 years, when we got together sex was great and regular. However, during pregnancy I found it horrifically painful. I had awful pelvic problems (and still do) and we just couldn't dtd. During birth the head clip on dd tore my labia and I lost a lot of blood, was stitched and felt uncomfortable inside for many months afterwards.

Dd was a great sleeper to start with, proper by the book 4 hours of sleep, feed, wind, change 4 hours sleep... Rinse and repeat. She slept through at 8 weeks but around 8 month when she crawled to now, has been appalling (she is now 5). Regular waking, night terrors that resulted in blood curdling screaming and me having to apologise to our virtually deaf neighbour about the noise.

Do works nights and is permentantly shattered as a result. We rarely get "us" time and when we do it usually results in trying to catch up on sleep. We have both out on a lot of weight since we first met which has affected us both in terms of self esteem.

We have got stuck in a rut where the most intimate we have been in years is a quick snog.

We have both been stressed with jobs and juggling childcare, looking after his elderly father, issues around his ex causing problems etc. I know we both still love each other but the spark seems to be dying and it is making me really sad.

I suffer with anxiety and depression which has an effect on my sex drive. It is virtually non existent and I am at a complete loss how to rekindle it.

He makes all the right noises about still thinking I am sexy etc (at a flabby size 22 I am not) but never seems to try and instigate anything and if I do I end up feeling clumsy and useless which makes my anxiety worse and kills and sex drive I started with.

So what can I do? How do I stop us being just friends who share a bed once in a while?

OP posts:
Hidethesausage · 17/09/2018 19:03

Place marking as I could have written your post OP

Beetlebum1981 · 17/09/2018 19:05

Ditto, no advice but I'm in exactly the same situation.

Original poster
Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 19:07

@hidethesausage it's heartbreaking! I adore my dp. Yes he has moments where I could quite happily Bury him under the patio but on the whole he is amazing. I have recently walked out of my very good (but woefully underpaid) job because the stress of juggling a 50+ hour week with everything else was killing me and dd was suffering as a result. He has fully supported me and whilst we need my wages to afford nicer things we can survive in the short term without it. He is amazing... But whilst I still fancy him etc we just don't seem to be able to translate that into the bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 19:08

I am slightly reassured that I am not alone in this situation.

OP posts:
Namethecat · 17/09/2018 19:11

Do you have someone who can have your child for the night ? You could have a night away( does not need to be far ) have a meal , make the effort( as in tell each other what you still find attractive about each other etc etc ) and see where it goes. If finances don't allow that and the person having your child could have them at their house , then a romantic night in.

Original poster
Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 19:18

We have tried. My mum helps with our childcare so isn't a fan of overnights as she already does so much for us. However, I think the added pressure of feeling we ought to dtd means we end up feeling awkward and things never get much beyond a snog.

OP posts:
Namethecat · 17/09/2018 19:50

Ok how about role play ?

GuavaPalava · 17/09/2018 19:55

I think role play would be excruciating in the circumstances

My suggestion would be to just tell him you should have sex and get it booked in. Yes formulaic, yes embarrassing. Just make a joke about getting back in the saddle with a quickie and 'break the ice' so to speak.

LaBellaCinderella · 17/09/2018 19:57

Do you still have other intimacy? Cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, kissing hello and goodbye etc?

feverbee · 17/09/2018 20:02

Try and have a night alone together and to become close again. Lie on the sofa cuddling, watching a film. Then let that lead to doing the deed. Embrace the embarrassment and awkwardness and be honest with what you both want and like.

Zoflorabore · 17/09/2018 20:04

Another one in the same boat.
It's a horrible situation Flowers

Original poster
Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 20:05

Oh god no , role play is definitely not an option.

@Labella yes, we hold hands when out, cuddles, etc. I know we aren't on skid Row yet.

I have tried to instigate by flirting more, when close by ie passing in kitchen brushing against him, hand across his penis etc. I know we still turn each other on etc it's just trying to get it to the next level

OP posts:
LollyPopsApple · 17/09/2018 20:08

Be honest with him.

Tell him everything you’ve said here.

And then, tell him you want to spend time together, in bed, naked, kissing and snuggling and stroking but no sex. Take the pressure off. Naughtily tell him it’s banned and you’re not allowed, cos you miss being up close against him and want to focus completely on just feeling his skin on yours and kissing.

And do it. Just get used to being in bed together again, kissing, intimately. Chances are the fact sex is explicitly off the table will take the pressure off and let you fully enjoy what you’re doing, there’s also a high chance the forbidden will make you want it desperately (especially if you can get him on board to play along and tell you ‘no, we agreed not to!’ if you try).

Maybe it sounds daft. But it works for us. We’re only a couple years in and have amazing sex when we do it, but due to pain issues I get with sex sometimes it’s less frequent and the above really helps us break the seal when it’s been a while. Whatcha think?

RickOShay · 17/09/2018 20:10

Perhaps give each other a massage, no pressure on either of you.
Or maybe get a bit drunk?

RickOShay · 17/09/2018 20:11

cross post sorry

Tryingtogetitright · 17/09/2018 20:13

Could have written your post. We have no overnight childcare. We booked a day out to a local tourist town with GPs babysitting, first date in AGES. Left the house at 9.30am, nice brunch, little walk then sloped off to a travelodge (we booked an early check-in) from 12noon - 2pm, then mooched round the town again, early dinner and home before bedtime! Did enough "tourist" stuff to get away with it when talking about our day later and it was nice having a sexy secret!

Felt extra naughty sneaking off in the daytime! We'd booked it a week in advance so there was time to look forward to it. I was a bit nervous as thought it would be a bit awkward but actually it was so nice to have privacy and even if we hadn't dtd it was lovely cuddling naked without worrying about a DC appearing...

Samantha2018 · 17/09/2018 20:13

Ok so it's not just me!
I think we all need to get a babysitter make a effort and go out??? Meal, drinks hotel maybe if your into that?
I can't initiate I just can't, plus I'm always knackered but in the same boast! mainly commenting so I can come back to the thread!

MammaSchwifty · 17/09/2018 20:14

Can you see your doctor about low libido? I don't know if there's anything that could be prescribed?

You say your mental health is having an impact on your libido, maybe this is an area for you to focus on too?

GummyGoddess · 17/09/2018 21:05

It doesn't seem to be low libido as much as you both being exhausted by your daughters night wake ups and your partners terrible shift pattern. Do you think more sleep would help you personally?

Can your partner switch to day shifts?

Is it only night terrors that wake your daughter? If not then you need to sort the other reasons out. Sadly nothing you can do about the night terrors, I had them and still occasionally do but so much less.

LalaLeona · 17/09/2018 21:10

Are you on antidepressants for your anxiety? I only ask because when I was on fluoxetine it killed my sex drive dead!

Original poster
Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 23:17

Folks you are fab! I was terrified of posting this but you guys are awesome.

Unfortunately due to pain meds I am unable to drink... A sip of wine and I am passed out cold! But I do like the idea of off the table and just spending time together. Will speak to my mum about having dd over night when he is off..

He has 9 days off coming up but his bloody ex has booked a holiday for this Friday and announced when the kids were dropped off on Sunday that she is dropping them here on Thursday and won't be back until the end of next week... Apparently dp knew we had them the extra weekend but had no idea it was a full week so hadn't said anything to me. Even dsc thought it was only a weekend so they are pretty pissed off with her so there will be no intimacy that week I feel very odd about it when they are here.

Dd's night waking is a combo of asthma, horrendous night terrors and chronic itching. She is under the hospital for it, in elephant doses of antihistamine daily and still scratches/rubs all the skin off her body.

I have pcos which I think is the root cause of my low libido more than my anxiety, but am trying not to be medicated for it if I can avoid it. I hate the numb "zombie" feeling of antidepressants. I think the biggest issue is we are both so exhausted all the time and when we do get time together neither of us can be bothered.

You have given me some great ideas and I hope they help others here too! I am gonna spend the next couple of weeks clearing the decks of all the pussy little jobs that have been building up so when we do get time together we can focus on us and not think "ohh we can do X or Y"

Thanks all Flowers

OP posts:
minipie · 17/09/2018 23:29

We are also in a rut OP.

What works for us (occasionally)

  • wine (sorry i know not an option for you)
  • something with sex in it on the tv (not porn, I mean a decent drama or film but with sex scenes)
  • BUT then turn the TV off early and go to bed early.

It is crucial to start things up early ish in the evening before one or both of you is too tired. Don't wait till bedtime.

Date night/dinner out doesn't really work for us as we are too tired for sex by the time we get home, no matter how keen we were during dinner!

On a side note: have you had your thyroid tested?

Original poster
Relightourf1re · 17/09/2018 23:49

Not had my thyroid tested... Would that cause issues?

My go generally puts most things down to me being overweight which is why I have yet to brave the fact that every time I have a period it feels like someone has taken a crow bar to my pelvis and is trying to prise it apart

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 18/09/2018 00:13

Heavy periods, low libido and general exhaustion could be low iron, B12 and weight gain could be thyroid. Definitely worth getting some blood tests done to rule out any of the above, but hopefully quitting your shitty job will help you in that regard.

I was going to suggest taking sex totally off the table, just concentrate on getting close in other ways, cuddling, kissing, stroking his leg while you watch TV etc. One thing will lead to another at some point and then neither of you have to make a big deal of it, it will just happen naturally.

When do you actually get time together if he's working nights? Is there a time when the DCs will be at school and you'll be at home now you're not at work? A bit of 'afternoon delight' might be just the thing!

Try not to let the DSCs staying put you off, especially if you're not swinging from the chandeliers, just getting a bit more frisky than you would normally. Plenty of parents have a sex life, you just have to be quiet - in fact that might be half the fun of it Wink .

You clearly both still fancy each other, so a bit of extra weight doesn't have to make any difference. My DP and I have both put on a few stone since we met and still fancy the pants off each other.

I hope you work it out Flowers

MaryandMichael · 18/09/2018 00:24

Everyone is giving fabulous advice.
My contribution is - do it. Speak to him, get the house to yourselves or a hotel room, or just wait till the DCs are asleep, and regardless of desire (or lack of), embarrassment, or whatever, just do it. And if you can, do it again.
Do that once a week until you notice yourself looking forward to it, then do it twice. If you get to that point, you'll be fine.

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