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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit hmm about this comment from boss

70 replies

Peanutss · 17/09/2018 15:12

I've suffered from recurrent miscarriages in the past year. It's been shitty. Truly shitty.

I admit I've had time off work. In total I've had about 3 weeks off spread out over the year. Work have been kind and have paid me for sick leave when technically they didn't have to. I am grateful for this.

I've decided to leave my job and go onto something else. I've been unhappy in my work for a while, before this started, and it's given me a spur to get on with what I want to do.

When having my exit meeting with my current employer he said 'we have obviously cut you a lot of slack recently' referring to the time off with my miscarriages.

I was a bit hurt by this. I've worked for them for 5 years, I've only ever taken a couple of sick days before this year. I work hard, I don't take the mick. It made me feel like I was taking the piss but they've done me a favour by not calling me on it.

Like he was trying to say 'look what we've done for you when you've been such an inconvenience for us'.

I don't know if I'm just being oversensitive though but it stuck with me and it's been grating me ever since!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 16:05

@Oblomov18 I get that. I was not expecting to be paid, I informed them I understood completely if they couldn't pay me. I was signed off by the doctor for stress (due to miscarriage not work) for two weeks of that three. The rest of it was made up from 2 days off for the other two miscarriages.

When they did pay me I thanked them. I am grateful that they did, I would have understood if they hadn't. But I needed that time, I would have completely crumbled without it and I would have had to take it whether or not they had paid me due to revisiting the hospital every 2 days etc...

I'm not absolutely disgusted or sickened as someone pointed out above.

I appreciate they may be a bit miffed that I've upped and left. For background it's not a surprise. I've had meetings with them in the past about me possibly leaving because it's not what I've wanted to do. They know this, perhaps the timing is shitty but a total surprise no.

Still I'm sure it doesn't change their view from a business stand point which I get. I just don't think there was any point bringing it up... However I'm happy to conclude that it may have been slightly insensitive but I'm also being oversensitive due to my circumstances!

Just hard to get a grip on feelings right now.

OP posts:
0lapislazuli · 17/09/2018 16:09

Yes you are entitled to sick leave after a miscarriage. Legally you’re allowed up to two weeks after a miscarriage and it’ll be classed as pregnancy related - it won’t count towards your total sickness absence. I don’t know your work’s policies, but if they pay for sick leave, they of course had to pay for this sick leave.

nopeni · 17/09/2018 16:11

Sick pay isn't a kindness. We don't owe employers eternal gratitude for it, or to stay with them forever more Confused

Sorry for your losses OP. Hope that your new job is a good one.

Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 16:16

@0lapislazuli the way I understand our policy is that miscarriage counts as pregnancy related illness in that it can't be used in a disciplinary the same way as normal sick days can. But in terms of pay I thought it was the same as standard sick policy is which for our workplace is 5 days.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 17/09/2018 16:17

As an employer, I think I'd be pretty upset that I'd paid you when I didn't have to, supported you and then you handed your notice in tbh.
This ^^. I'm assuming they paid OP full pay and not just basic SSP. If you've done that and then the employee turns round and quits it feels pretty bad for the employer. They'll probably not pay anyone like that again. It's not OP's fault, but it's not unreasonable for the employer to be a bit pissed off.

DarlingNikita · 17/09/2018 16:24

God, I hope some of you aren't managers and don't conduct exit interviews!

charlestonchaplin · 17/09/2018 16:25

Why shouldn't they bring it up? Why shouldn't you reflect on how they feel about your actions? You have the right to leave your job but don't expect them to not be unhappy about your decision and let you know how they feel about it.

Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 16:25

@RangeRider yes full pay.

For context miscarriage before notice was early April. Notice was given in August and last miscarriage was after I'd given notice. They still paid me (which I was surprised at and again, am grateful for!)

My employer is nice, they aren't awful. I'm not trying to say they are. It was just that one comment that hurt a little and I wanted to know if it was just me.

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Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 16:29

Ps the one in April was for 2 weeks signed off by doc. The one just gone was 2 days off to go to and from hosp. It actually started in work so I left midday to go hospital and then was off for the next 2 days.

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SkullPointerException · 17/09/2018 16:39

I might have phrased it differently, but as a boss I get the sentiment. When you want someone on your team and they've been there for some time, you will show them loyalty - and, however understanding you may be about them wanting to move on, you do this in the hope that it'll be mutual.

My own best employee resigned recently. I fully understand his motives and I can't honestly say I wouldn't have done the same thing in his place. I was still disappointed, of course (because I really like him as a person - but also because I had invested a lot in this person on my capacity as his manager).

It's not personal about you. It basically means 'I'm sorry things didn't work out the way I planned; I was looking out for you - and while one part of me did this because I like to think of myself as a decent human being the other part was done in the hope that I'd be benefiting from your skills and experience for a long time to come'.

I agree there may have been better ways of expressing the sentiment, though.

Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 16:44

I think it's just the word 'slack' which made me a bit sour.

To me 'slack' is not trying hard enough at something or not making an effort.

When you say someone is slacking or you're 'picking up someone's slack' does it not mean that that person is failing in some way?

I'm probably reading far too much into it I know!

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Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 16:48

Actually I've just googled and to be fair I think there is a difference between saying 'cutting some slack' and that a person is slacking.

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MrsGrindah · 17/09/2018 16:51

He was clumsy but not spiteful. He probably wanted to get across that they were disappointed to be losing you especially when they had done something they weren’t obliged to. Be the bigger person and cut him a bit of slack! After all you’ve been through this isn’t worth the brain space.

nopeni · 17/09/2018 16:51

It's not just you. It's hurtful because you've been grieving and dealing with pain and loss, and your boss says "we've let you slack off", and you realise that that's been his attitude, not "yes we know this has been so hard".

It's stupid and thoughtless and is probably because few people understand miscarriages and infertility until it hits them. Some miscarriages leave women physically and emotionally incapacitated for a lot longer than that.

But it's also probably not something you can call him on ... try to work on letting it go, and moving towards your new job with the attitude of leaving that behind. Thanks

ThePants999 · 17/09/2018 16:51

Yes, there's a big difference. Cutting someone some slack simply means being lenient with them. It says nothing about them.

YeahCorvid · 17/09/2018 16:59

I'm sorry to hear about the miscarriages.

I can see why this stings. Obviously you would have preferred never to have needed this help from them. As they have given it - they chose to give it - it is unkind to refer to it apparently resentfully. It isn't something you can challenge exactly, which makes it more complicated too.

Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 17:00

Slightly off topic but I've often wondered what other women do who suffer like this about work.

First time everyone is sympathetic and it's all 'take as long as you need' then the more and more it happens people seem to think you will just spring back into action and you feel pressured to go back despite it being just as hard every time.

Of course it's not my employers problem that I'm going through this. I'm just curious how others manage working whilst going through this multiple times.

I've quite often thought how much easier it would be to just leave work completely whilst all this is going on as it's an added stress that really affects me. Worrying about time off, pay etc...

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museumum · 17/09/2018 17:03

OP “cutting someone some slack” is not at all like telling them they are slacking. What he’s basically saying is “we’ve done all we can for you” your answer imo should have been “yes you have, and I am grateful for that but this terrible experience has brought it home to me that need to be doing something different.”

I think he was looking for reassurance that you weren’t leaving because they hadn’t been understanding.

Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 17:03

@YeahCorvid thank you.

Usually I'd say it's not nice to say 'but you didn't have to!' when someone does something for you but it does kind of feel like this. They chose to pay me and then appeared to use it as a bit of a guilt trip afterwards.

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Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 17:06

Oh absolutely @museumum that was how the conversation went on my side.

When he said it, the first words out of my mouth were 'and I want you to know I am extremely grateful for the help you've given me through this' etc...

I also explained the reasons for me leaving were not to do with them which they know from previous meetings anyway.

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CiaoBrucester · 17/09/2018 17:10

It's massively insensitive thing to say. Speaking as someone with HR/management responsibility I would never say something like this to an employee. Imo 3 weeks spread out over a year, to aid recovery from multiple miscarriages is reasonable sick leave and something I would have paid. Don't feel guilty or like you did the wrong thing in taking the time you needed. Ultimately your priority has to be you, your mental and physical health and your life. You have done the right thing! Best wishes for you for the future x

MarthaArthur · 17/09/2018 17:15

Oh if it wasnt a sudden shock to them then thats very weird of him to say. You couldnt help it. How are you feeling now op? I would say just put this behind you and good luck with your new job. Hopefully that brings you a lot more joy.

Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 17:17

After all you’ve been through this isn’t worth the brain space

This is true. But I admit I often find myself overthinking small things at the moment.

@CiaoBrucester thank you for the well wishes. We don't actually have a HR department. I wouldn't have spoken to them any way as I do usually really like this manager and when I think logically I don't believe there was any maliciousness in the comment just a poor choice of words.

It's such a huge thing in my life at the moment. I don't like feeling like an inconvenience to someone because of it.

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Original poster
Peanutss · 17/09/2018 17:22

@MarthaArthur no it wasn't. He even said in my meeting that he knows I've been unhappy for a while (before all this).

Another manager there who I'm friends with outside of work was very supportive of the decision because she's known for a long time it's what I've wanted. She text me afterwards saying she was sad but was 'expecting this'.

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MarthaArthur · 17/09/2018 17:23

You are well rid then. What an arse. If you stayed after that comment he would probably try hold it over you all the time.