AIBU to push DD

[Jemimafuckingpuddleduck]

Don’t often post on here but could really do with some constructive advice on how to handle a situation with my eldest DD which is really upsetting me and causing quite a bit of worry.

DD is very creatively bright but isn’t necessarily as academically “clever” as her siblings. This is absolutely fine with us and we have always pushed and encouraged her where her strengths are which is art, creative writing, music. (we have said the moment she was born that she was so to be on stage)

She has had issues with attention and concentration in the past, enough so for a GP to want to refer her but we decided to manage it at home and liasing with the school so we both used the same approach and coping mechanisms..

This was a good few years ago and although she can still be a bit ditzy at times, has as she got older seemed to grow out/improved massively where her attention issues were and last year was the best school report she has had as well as doing really well in her SATS.

Around the time her attention and concentration was at its lowest she became interested in a musical instrument and we paid and still do for private lessons once a week..

This instrument and hobby has not only been the best thing that could have happened to her confidence and creative wise but I also believe was one of the key components in helping her concetration issues! She also (very proud mum) is insanely good at it and now at age 11 is near to sitting her grade 3.

Due to various reasons over the 3 years that she has done it, has had various teachers, some older some younger, definitely a few that were a better fit for but we have alsways muddled through and I have always been open to changing tutors if she isn’t happy with one she has.

Since starting high school a few weeks ago, her attitude to everything has changed, totally understandable and I’m deffo happy to have a settling in period where I’m very carefully biting my tongue, she doesn’t seem to want to do anything if it’s not something her friends are doing,

“We tried that club/group but we didn’t like it so now we are going to go to that one because we think we will like it better”

I’m struggling with how a group of 5 kids say can all have exactly the same thoughts, ideas and likes as each other and if I’m honest a little disappointed that she is not following her own lead a bit more and using her brain to make her mind up for herself as that’s how I have raised her!! She is very happy at secondary and I’m being very careful as that obviously is my main priority!

At home however all she wants to do is sit on her phone talk to her friends that she has spoke to all day and go out to play which is fine to an extent but she seems to have lost any motivation to do anything productive which for the last few weeks has involved her musical instrument..

It’s been a bone of contention over the last few weeks and if I’m honest knew what was coming but a week ago had confided in her dad that she doesn’t want to do musical instrument any more as she is not enjoying it and would rather just play for fun rather than go through formal lessons and grades, her dad has (a whole other thread) agreed with her and said push through her grade 3 and then have a break from lessons! I’m absolutely devastated for so many reasons that she has chosen to do this. Husband has said that we shouldnt push her as he was pushed to do a sport when he was younger and he hated it and I do get the reasoning but I think that DD situation is different because she a) so good at it and b) it’s such a good tool and outlet for her c) don’t necessarily think it’s something in 5 years that you can say, had a break going to pick it back up and I genuinely think she will live to regret it!

This has escalated to quite a rift between DH and I as we just think so differently about it, he thinks she is reaching out to him as she must have been so unhappy and it would be wrong to not listen to her and let her choose her own path where as I think she has got him wrapped round her little finger and basically is rubbing her hands that she has all the time in the world to sit on her phone, hang out with her pals and basically do fuck all! I also think it could be quite possibly the biggest mistake she will make in her childhood life.

What do I do? My family are all very she needs to be pushed, my sister teaches music and musical theatre and had a chat with her last night regarding not giving up on things just because they are hard or boring for a while and my mum does stamps for all her GC which equate into points and then pocket money/treats and that’s always been a great incentive in the past but if these things are not enough to hopefully reconsider, I think it’s just going to come down to battle and more arguments between DH and I.

Would love some outside POV or and comforting words for anyone that has been through or had a child similar?

This is totally normal. Peer pressure is the biggest number. She has made a good grounding in music. Let her drop it. Odds are she will return to it in years to come. If you push it she will hate it, and you. What's the point?

Going to suggest something that might sound a bit odd in the circumstances but do you think she might be up for parking the piano for a bit but trying a different musical instrument, i.e. one that offers more from a social point of view. As a PP suggested, if she plays an instrument that offer the opportunity to play with others in a band or orchestra then that can be the best fun by far - much more than just playing by yourself at home.

If she is already Grade 3 at piano then obviously she already as a good bit of musical knowledge so that could help her get off to a flying start on something else. Maybe also suggest that you wait and see about grade exams and play for fun for a bit. The only drawback I can think of in not taking the exams is if there is a particular ensemble that has an entry requirement of being a certain grade.

Actually, back to the piano, would she be interested in doing lessons still if you agreed she could take a break from the exams?

Finally - don’t necessarily think it’s something in 5 years that you can say, had a break going to pick it back up Not so! I played an instrument until I was 18 but after leaving school did very little with it apart from occasionally getting it out of its case for a quick blow. Then in my mid-40s I found an opportunity to play with a band again at a level I felt comfortable with and started playing regularly and I have never looked back. I am not the only "returner" that I know of by any means so if many can pick an instrument up again after > 25 years I wouldn't worry about her having a break.

My DS1, now 18, had trumpet lessons at primary school and scraped a Grade 1 pass aged 11. He then immediately dropped it - he was far too "cool" to play an instrument at secondary school. DS2 started violin lessons at primary and continues, aged 16, to receive lessons (privately). He couldn't care less whether anyone else thinks he's cool or not, and has slowly but surely reached Grade 7 standard and for many years played in the local youth orchestra. The point is, we raised both our sons exactly the same, but ALL KIDS ARE DIFFERENT.

I learned the flute at secondary school and passed Grade 8, but dropped it at 16. Then, MANY years later, I've bought myself a new flute and play for pleasure. I'm in a local wind band and sometimes get together with the other flautists and play random pieces. It really helps with my MH (anxiety, depression).

You've got to let your DD find her own path. Maybe suggest, perhaps next term, that she tries out a more 'social' instrument. And if she does carry on, whether with the piano or something else, find a good teacher and stick to them. Good luck.

I have never wanted to label any of my children, they are all completely different and I love that, if anything that was why we avoided the referral route as we didn’t want her pigeon holed or treated any different to her peers as she was growing up though I understand that was our opinion for our child and not something that would be beneficial to every child.

Ah well, she can get herself referred at university, that's sometimes the easiest way though sometimes students have already crashed and burned before they realise it's an option. It's better done beforehand so any adaptations can be there when she starts.

Constructive advice isn't only the advice you want to hear. It is just something you can do to help your child. Whether you choose to do it or not, is up to you.

Also just to add

(Sorry not sure how to tag or quote)

I never said she was a non academic, apologies if my wording wasn’t quite correct in my OP she just seems to enjoy and do well in more creative subjects, my other daughter is completely the opposite and I don’t think this has anything to do with what or what not a GP would have back with, different kids, different strengths that absolutely fine with us.

Her primary school were very supportive and she did have a little extra help, we also became more organised at home (time tables, tighter routine, better eye contact and on her level when speaking) and for us these little changes (along with her piano) seen a world of difference.

As I said before her last parents evening was the best we had ever had and even though we, as a family weren’t overly happy with the SATS exam in general and made it clear there was no pressure from us as to how well she scored we’re all over the moon (because she was) with her results.

I’m still glad we didn’t go down a referral route and for us it was the right choice.