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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for wanting a relationship when I can't provide "normal" intimacy

33 replies

Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:27

I have issues with intimacy due to a traumatic past. I had a neglectful childhood followed by sexual abuse at the hands of an ex partner.

Its unusual for me to initiate a kiss/hug and sex is something I only go along with to keep DP happy. I don't pull away or reject him, but if he didn't initiate these things then its unlikely I would.

My lack of intimacy (apparently) drove him to be unfaithful to me whilst I was heavily pregnant. I had a host of complications during pregnancy which made sex uncomfortable and advised against (placenta previa being one, SPD being another) he swears the reason for his infidelity was because of my intimacy issues which leave him feeling unwanted.

I decided to take him back and have tried to work on my intimacy issues, not excusing his behaviour but realising that it is something I do need to work on for me.
I've had therapy but it doesn't seemed to have changed much.

I find myself just going along with sex to make him happy and I avoid it if I can do so subtly.

Aibu for wanting a relationship and to be loved romantically when I have little by way of intimacy to offer, at least to the degree that some (DP included) seem to 'need' it

OP posts:
doglov3r · 16/09/2018 17:34

I can totally sympathise with you as I am struggling with pretty much the same thing as you OP, although stemming from slightly different circumstances. I can’t tell you how to deal with it or get over it as I haven’t even done that myself. All I can say is don’t pressure yourself or put yourself down about it. You are incredibly strong to get through it and to recognise you have something to deal with. It definitely does help if you have an understanding partner, is he aware of what you’ve been through in the past?

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:40

I've told him everything in the hope he'd understand why I am this way but it doesn't seem to make much difference, I find him to be quite ignorant but having never gone through certain things I suppose he couldn't possibly understand

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chillpizza · 16/09/2018 17:45

Most people want some kind of intimacy even if only hugs and a kiss. It’s away of feeling loved/wanted by your partner. His already shown you that without it from you he will go and find it from else where. Your making yourself unhappy by having sex you don’t want to keep a man that wants more than forced intimacy.

You need to work on yourselve alone not worry about him or other future men.

Thomlin · 16/09/2018 17:47

Lack of intamacy would (and has been) a dealbreaker for me. Although its not a dealbreaker for everyone, so I think finding someone who clicks with you in this way would be the sensible thing to do.

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:48

There is intimacy in the way of hugs kisses and sex but it is almost always initiated by him

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PinkHeart5914 · 16/09/2018 17:49

Thing is most people need a certain amount of intimacy even if it’s just a hug or kiss, because that’s how we feel loved/wanted.

Have you had any counselling at all, maybe it’s something over time you could get more comfortable with?

chillpizza · 16/09/2018 17:50

That’s the point though op it’s him doing it all. You’d be quite happy never too he wants/needs that affection. If I always had to instigate everything with my dh I wouldn’t feel very wanted or loved by him it would feel like he saw me more as a house mate.

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:50

I do initiate things sometimes but that is a rarity

I've had CBT and found it didn't help much, considering trying counselling as I'm not happy about it myself

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 16/09/2018 17:51

Perhaps you are asexual and would be happier finding a man who also is?

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:52

Things got worse after he cheated

Before that I would cuddle up to him and give him a kiss goodbye when he left for work, it was just sex that was the problem then

Since he cheated it has been all intimacy I struggle with

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:53

@NoArmaniNoPunani I have considered that, the thing is I do want it sometimes just not very often and not half as much as him

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 17:54

I know it's a problem and am trying to get past it I just feel so "awkward" trying to show him affection now

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chillpizza · 16/09/2018 17:54

I’m not surprised it got worse. You need to work on yourself alone if your not happy with you. You could still not be interested in intimacy ever again but it could be a dp problem ontop of previous things in your life that could be overcome by not being with this particular man.

Bimgy85 · 16/09/2018 18:28

Sympathizing with you OP. I have a trouble some past due to my own doing ( sleeping with older men, wanting to sell myself, fucked up fantasies) I struggle a lot with intimacy and most of the time wish sex didn't exist. Luckily for me dp doesn't feel like sex is the end all and be all of a relationship which I'm happy with too. We have sex like once a month and we're perfectly happy other than that. We both agree we're fine to just do it whenever. Thank god as I know it would break a different partners heart if sex was a big thing to them

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 18:39

I think if he needs sexual intimacy to feel loved (like I do) then you 'going along with it' (only if he can tell that's what it feels like to you) will hurt him and in the long term impact on his self esteem. If it's his primary love language then it'll always be a problem I guess.

Maybe you are not compatible and you'd be better off with someone who doesn't need sexual intimacy and he'd be better off with someone who enjoys being sexually close.

These issues are deal breakers but it's personal, as in, unique to every individual what constitutes a deal breaker.

I'm sorry to read he cheated too.

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 18:42

I feel as though I'd be doing him a favour in leaving him, the problem is we have DC and I'm pregnant.

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Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 18:44

We've had sex twice in the past fortnight, I initiated it yesterday because I knew he was in the mood. Not because I wanted it. I feel he can tell and that makes him sad.

@Bimgy85 pleased for you that you have a partner with who you can work around these problems :) it sucks doesn't it, scars of the past.

OP posts:
Subtlecheese · 16/09/2018 18:50

If he feels unwanted and that to him leads to sexual incontinence then he is a faithless waste of time. Seriously, he sounds like a whiny brat.

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 19:15

Was it always like that? Like from the beginning or did he/you think you were evenly matched?

The truth is if he can tell then it could be making him feel crap and really hurt if it's been a long term issue. Assuming it was, how he handled that (infidelity) was awful.

But it's not unreasonable to seek intimacy with someone who loves it just as much or as little as you; maybe separating would be better for you both.

Sorry if I missed it have you tried couple counselling before you leave?

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 16/09/2018 19:33

Its hard to explain but my sex drive has been in gradual decline. In the beginning we were having sex a lot, but when the honeymoon period came to an end my issues resurfaced and I slowly went off sex. I'm pretty sure its not because I've gone off him, I do find him attractive. He's very nice to look at.

He's the only serious relationship I've had since the ex who abused me, so I don't know whether I'd be the same with somebody else but can only assume I would be.

We haven't tried couples counselling, I did suggest if after the infidelity but he wasn't keen.

I don't want to break up our family over something that is so trivial (to me) but don't think it's fair on him to be deprived of something he feels he needs, I'll forever be waiting for him to cheat again Sad

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Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 10:25

It's not trivial; if it's a problem for one of you it's a problem. I think tell him how bad things feel and that you think couple's counselling is worth a go.

I was told it takes on average six years between the first unhappiness in the relationship being noted to going to couple's counselling. That's too late.

CaligulaBlushed · 17/09/2018 10:35

I'm not surprised it got worse after the affair; no-one would expect you to feel safe, comfortable and loved in the arms of someone who had only recently held another? You'd have to be superhuman.

And as for your intimacy issues before the affair, to be honest I'm not sure you're right that it IS your issues causing you problems. It doesn't sound like your dp listens, understands or even tries to care about what you've been through and how that's left you feeling. How on earth could someone who has been hurt before want to open up and make themselves vulnerable to someone who doesn't give one single solitary fuck about their past experience??

Too right, the intimacy dwindled after the initial honeymoon period. I don't think he gets to blame you for that when it sounds like his lack of understanding and lack of desire to be supportive has led him to become someone you couldn't possible crave intimacy with because he has never earnt your trust. And now he's blown it completely out of the water.

Yes, you do certainly have some things to work on from your past, but I think you're bashing your head against a brick wall trying to work them out with this particular man.

teaandtoast · 17/09/2018 10:36

I don't think he should have a free pass for cheating. Couples counselling is an excellent idea.
Sod him not being keen - I don't suppose you were keen on him cheating, either!

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 17/09/2018 10:52

Your intimacy issues aren't the reason he cheated. He is. Hold him accountable and stop letting him excuse himself. If intimacy is an issue it's not just for you to work through, it's a joint problem, that's how a team functions. He sounds like a twat tbh. Yeah I imagine it is tricky for him but what a bellend honestly.

Original poster
Rainbowmum446 · 17/09/2018 10:56

Thank you for the mixed bag of replies they've given me a lot to think about

Until now I've always blamed myself for him cheating "if only I'd paid him more attention, been more intimate, made him feel more wanted" but after reading the last few replies I'm now a bit annoyed at myself.

Sure intimacy can be a problem but that's for us to work on, not an excuse for him to cheat

OP posts: