Aibu for wanting a relationship when I can't provide "normal" intimacy

[Rainbowmum446]

I have issues with intimacy due to a traumatic past. I had a neglectful childhood followed by sexual abuse at the hands of an ex partner.

Its unusual for me to initiate a kiss/hug and sex is something I only go along with to keep DP happy. I don't pull away or reject him, but if he didn't initiate these things then its unlikely I would.

My lack of intimacy (apparently) drove him to be unfaithful to me whilst I was heavily pregnant. I had a host of complications during pregnancy which made sex uncomfortable and advised against (placenta previa being one, SPD being another) he swears the reason for his infidelity was because of my intimacy issues which leave him feeling unwanted.

I decided to take him back and have tried to work on my intimacy issues, not excusing his behaviour but realising that it is something I do need to work on for me.
I've had therapy but it doesn't seemed to have changed much.

I find myself just going along with sex to make him happy and I avoid it if I can do so subtly.

Aibu for wanting a relationship and to be loved romantically when I have little by way of intimacy to offer, at least to the degree that some (DP included) seem to 'need' it

Sure intimacy can be a problem but that's for us to work on, not an excuse for him to cheat

Absolutely, it's not! It's also something between two people that both people have a responsibility to work on together.

If he has/had an issue with the intimacy in your relationship he had a duty to you to broach that with you so that you could both make compromises and both work out the things you could do to make things better. He doesn't get to sit there and say, "this is YOUR problem, I'm just fine, and this is what I want so YOU have to sort yourself out and give it to me"; that's outrageous! Oh, and if you don't give it to me I'm going to cheat on you and say it's totally your fault. Not okay!

He needs to start thinking about what HE can do to help you overcome your intimacy issues, if indeed you are the person he hopes to have a fulfilling, intimate relationship with. And being an untrustworthy, unsympathetic cheat who leaves you to work through life's difficulties on your own certainly isn't the way to go about fostering intimacy.

He never once tried addressing the problem with me, it only came to light once he'd cheated and I wanted to find out why so made him sit down with me and get right to the core of it.

I know the woman he cheated with and she told me it was "just sex" nothing more and that he'd told her he wasn't "getting any" at home

“My lack of intimacy (apparently) drove him to be unfaithful to me whilst I was heavily pregnant.”

YOU DID NOT DRIVE HIM TO DO THIS, this isn’t your fault.

Leave the dirt bag and drop anyone that tells you you are at fault

I don't think I'll ever forget him cheating, I've forgiven him to a degree but the scar is still there. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 so the thought of leaving right now is frightening

If you are a sexual person not having your partner initiate equates to a lack of desire for you and often is then interpreted as a lack of love. It can destroy self esteem. Whereas you are probably seeing sex as something that’s a bit of an add on in the relationship. Both of you are entitled to feel that way. But to make this work you both need to address this. Couples counselling seems your best option but if that isn’t an option, you could either split but I understand your reluctance to break up the family, address issues that you have indicated are probably leading to your lack of desire or stay as you are and turn a blind eye to his inevitable wandering. Hope you manage to get this sorted

I think you have 2 separate issues. The first is you struggle with intimacy for very good reasons. You have every right to your feelings but you do need to decide whether you want to get help with that or avoid sex forevermore. It's your choice entirely but the latter has consequences for your partner too and needs lots of talking through. You might need to accept that will be the end of your relationship because for many sex is hugely important. I do think therapy can be very helpful if that's makes any difference. I think you'd need to pay privately for psychosexual therapy. Sometimes it just helps being with the right partner too, in terms of how understanding they are.

Your second issue is your partner cheating. I'd say 99% of relationships would be badly affected by that regardless of past abuse. Have you had couples counselling? Is your relationship really sorted or did he just blame your issues and brush over what he did? I don't think there is an excuse for cheating - if you weren't being intimate it's fine your partner was struggling but he could have sorted out the situation by talking things through.

I'll talk to him about couples counselling, he didn't want to go before so I dropped it. We glossed over the cracks and moved on (at least he did)

We've had sex again this morning so If you were to ask him he'd probably tell you things are better now, except they're not because I'm only doing it to make him happy. I don't actually crave or particularly enjoy it.