AIBU to take DD1 to use the disabled loo?

[KitKat1985]

DD1 is now 4. We are still waiting for a formal diagnosis (long wait to see paediatrician in our area) but looking pretty certain she will get an ASD diagnosis. Ourselves and nursery have had no luck with potty training her, despite lots of persistence. We've been advised by the special needs service to take a break for a bit as they don't think she's ready. Upshot is that she's still in nappies.

The problem is I have two issues with changing her in regular loos:

1. She's too big now to fit on a baby changing table (she's tall for her age) and there isn't room to change her in most toilet cubicles, (and it doesn't feel very dignified to just change her on the floor by the sinks), so the extra floor-space in the disabled loos really helps.

2. She's terrified of the sound of hand driers, which is really difficult to avoid in the communal ladies loos.

A couple of times recently when I've nipped in the disabled loos with her I've had a few rolled eye / tutting type moments in my direction, which is I'm guessing because she doesn't 'look' disabled, and I guess because she doesn't have a formal diagnosis yet it makes explaining it complicated. So AIBU?

No you definately are justified in using them.

Sure, use them, you need to. DS used them just to avoid the unexpected noise. Some people just have no clue about invisible disabilities. Oh and don't feel any need to explain anything to strangers. It is totally none of their business and you and DD are both entitled to privacy.

You will get tutted at whether you use the access toilet, change on the floor in the ladies or use a changing mat so ignore ignore and ignore. Personally as someone that used to run a pub/restaurant I’d have encouraged you to use the access over the floor space in the ladies to avoid anyone tripping/standing on you and the child. I remember when a man took his 2 daughters into the gents with him. Both were under 6 and the access was being used by a wheelchair user and a woman screamed at me that in was inappropriate and I should report him. I pointed out a) he was their dad b) there are cubicles in the gents too and c) it’s none of her god damn business. Do what works for you

YANBU - people who have this fixed idea that "disabled = in a wheelchair" will not understand hidden disabilities.
Your child has additional needs, the disabled loos are there to help service those additional needs, you are well within her rights to use them for her.

Ignore the eye-rollers - they're ignorant.

YA definitely NBU.
My 5yo has an asd diagnosis, non verbal and currently still in nappies. If out I'd need to use a disabled loo to change her too. Most disabled/accessible toilets now have the not every disability is visible sign on them.

Some places are even starting to provide toilets with changing beds etc for bigger children and adults but this isn't everywhere.
This link might help to see if there's anything local.
changingplaces.uktoiletmap.org

You use them OP and take no notice of the arseholes when you do use them!

I'm disabled and sometimes in a wheelchair and I still get the looks and comments when I use a disabled loo because apparently "I don't look like they're idea of disabled"they know nothing so stare back and if anyone makes a comment tell them she has additional needs.

My DS is 9 , is non-verbal and has ASD, he can use the normal loo but what he cannot do is wait when he needs to go (he tends to wait till the last minute till he starts to look for a loo, has resulted in some wet trousers and embarassing moments), so if all the normal loos are busy I point him in to the disabled one. I would ignore anyone who wants to tut.

I have an 8 yr old non verbal child with autism and learning disabilities we use them , im just toilet training him now.

Hand dryers are the worst with a child with sensory needs - user of the disabled toilets, have own radar key now off ebay. No guilt. It is a need. We may not have a doctor note to say there is something, but there is something and having that space with no fear means we are in and out quick without any melt downs.

You need the disabled loos so you should use them.

Those bloody dyson handdriers are the worst thing for my kids, they’re absolutely terrified of them.

This us exactly what they're there for. There is always some tit who will challenge you, even when you've spent the last 5 minutes coaxing your 12yo's shoes back on while he's loudly scripting before emerging with an almighty bounce and flap but you learn to treat those people with the derision they deserve.

At least you can’t accidentally set off a Dyson hand drier!

On more than one occasion I have managed to set off the drier with my arse when trying to wrestle ds in the disabled toilets because of the size of them! (The toilet not my arse!)

I'm disabled and what you have described is exactly what disabled toilets are for.

I'm sorry the floor isn't ever clean enough though, IME it's always a bit minging. Those with Radar keys fair better, make sure you get yourself a key.

I hope things get easier for you and DD soon.

I’m in the who cares really camp tbh. You don’t need to justify it

At least you can’t accidentally set off a Dyson hand drier!

That’s a very fair point! It usually is the size of my arse that accidentally sets off the non dyson ones though

But aye, they’re loud enough without the worry of accidentally setting them off! I struggle with them.

Yanbu

Here is the most helpful book I came across for helping children with sensory sensitivities: "Understanding Your Child's Sensory Signals" by Angie Voss, OT. We were on the CAMHS waiting list for 2 years so I started using the tips pre-diagnosis and it was really helpful. Just thinking that if your DD is affected by hand driers, ear defenders could be useful although disabled loos are preferable as there is so much less general noise & stress. Ear defenders also help centre my son so he doesn't run off so we are very much converts.

Hello sorry for not replying for a bit, as I had some family pop around.

I really appreciate all of your replies and it's really helped me feel more confident in knowing that I'm not being unreasonable, and I know I need to 'toughen up' and ignore the 'tutters' when they occur.

Thank you to those who posted the Changing Places link too. That would be really helpful. On a side note, would DD1 need a diagnosis to qualify for a radar key, or can we apply anyway?

You can buy one from amazon!

Oh really Sirzy? I assumed you had to apply somewhere for them!

I bought my Radar off amazon or eBay I think. About £2?
I’ve got arthritis which I’ve had since childhood and it can really impact my knees and hips so the higher seat and the railings are a godsend!

X post sirzy apologies

I have a hidden disability and was once challenged by a women who came charging up to me as I came out and got right in a face and said “You don’t look disabled” I replied with “Well you don’t look pig ignorant but obviously appearances can be deceptive
Her mouth dropped open and I walked off

Even better are the bus drivers who demand to know what my disability is when I show my Now Card. One even would not let me on when I refused to tell him my disability. I made a massive complaint with the backing of my work as I worked for a disabled peoples organisation back then. He was severely reprimanded