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Original poster

To address my husband's binge drinking

53 replies

PerpetualDes · 16/09/2018 13:46

DH has always been a binge drinker. I "knew what I was getting into" to quote my (ever helpful) DM. He's 37, yet several times a month will go out and get so drunk that I will find him asleep on the toilet/floor.

I thought it would change when we had DC but it hasn't. At 37 weeks pregnant with DC1, we found out the baby was breech. He decided this meant he could go out and get hammered with his mates (having promised he would be sober from 7m onwards just in case) and didn't understand why I was so upset when he eventually rolled home and fell asleep on the bedroom floor.

DC1 was poorly last night. He's now 18m but there have been lots of incidents in between. I had to phone 111 and on speaking to DH (who said he would be home hours earlier) he was smashed and about 20 miles away. He eventually got home to come to hospital with me (following a referral) but was babbling shit and I just irritating me. I then had to stay up all night with vomiting toddler as DH was incapable of assisting.

So I guess the question is: at what point is it reasonable to address this? I get that everyone needs a blow out now and again (not that I really do) but I feel like he should have grown out of this 20 years ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
PerpetualDes · 16/09/2018 15:25

Nobody?

OP posts:
DorisLessingsCat · 16/09/2018 15:28

Sorry you are in this position. He was never going to grow out of it. He might be an alcoholic, he might be "just" a problem drinker. Either way he has to decide to stop and to get help. You can't help him.

I'd suggest you make plans to leave.

SplatRat · 16/09/2018 15:33

You need to address this now. Don't let your children grow up with this being their norm. I've seen the damage that having a parent with a drink problem does and it's not good and will affect their whole lives.

Wolfiefan · 16/09/2018 15:36

He’s a problem drinker. He won’t stop unless he wants to.
Contact Al Anon and find your way out. You and your child deserve better.

TheProvincialLady · 16/09/2018 15:36

Yes this is about what you will do now, not what your DH will or won’t do. Will you stay or will you leave/kick him out? Your DH has shown you that he’s not going to change.

HollowTalk · 16/09/2018 15:38

What's your financial situation like? (He must be costing you a bomb in alcohol.) Do you rent or have a mortgage? Do you work?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 16/09/2018 15:47

I’m so sorry to hear this. I have a friend whose dh did this and it nearly wrecked them.

I think the important thing for him to realise is that he does have a problem. My friends dh said it was fine because he didn’t drink every night but when he did he was out of control.

I think she was quite lucky in that he realised by himself and is now teetotal. I would recommend speaking to al anon and other groups. Can your gp advise?

Sorry. I’ll try and get hold of her. See if she used any groups. Take care

hermionegranger · 16/09/2018 15:52

Hi OP, I grew up with an alcoholic not-so-DM who began binge drinking to cope with undiagnosed PND and it spirals into something much more sinister very quickly if left to fester unchecked.

Please speak to your DH and try and get him to address this whilst it is manageable. My DF kept waiting in good faith for her to get better and address it on her own. She is still an alcoholic nearly 20 years later (with several long term hospital stays to attempt sobriety and treat alcohol induced psychosis along the way)
As an adult i am utterly alcohol phobic and am unable to be around drunk (or even 'merry'!) people at all. I beg you for the sake of your DC and yourself, please address this now whilst it's manageable. Things like CBT are good to start with if he's still open to looking into why he drinks the way he does.
If he refuses to, and puts the drink first, you must leave.

Sorry for the long message - it is something I feel very very strongly about.

Please take care and look after yourself.

Original poster
PerpetualDes · 16/09/2018 15:53

Oh wow, didn't expect to go from no replies to leave him. Half expected people to tell me to give him a break 😔

This aside (and the odd other squabble) we have a great marriage. He probably does more than me around the house as toddler is still v clingy to me at times.

Is AA not too extreme if it's a few times a month? I feel like I need to speak to him but feel like he will get v defensive as he has when I've ever pulled him up on anything (a rare occurrence despite otherwise considering myself quite a feisty person).

I work full time and earn enough, but want to fix this rather than think about more extreme options...

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 16/09/2018 15:55

Give him a break? Why would that be!
I would be thinking seriously about the future. Being with an alcoholic is going to affect your children.

Marie0 · 16/09/2018 15:55

Then you need to work on it rather than do anything rash. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Ask him if there's anyway you can support him and hopefully you can reach a compromise which works for both of you

Original poster
PerpetualDes · 16/09/2018 16:00

Sorry I should have also said thank you for the replies, I was just a bit shocked.

Hopefully he will listen if I tell him I'm concerned, and won't just dismiss it as nagging. We both have very stressful jobs and he had had a particularly bad week, so I expect that to be the response - but obviously it's far from the first time!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/09/2018 16:05

He won’t stop drinking because you’re “concerned”. I said AlAnon. Not AA. AA is no good if HE doesn’t want to stop drinking. Al Anon is for family members of people who have a problem with drink. And he doesn’t.

Wolfiefan · 16/09/2018 16:05

Bugger.
Bloody phone.
HE DOES!!!

Original poster
PerpetualDes · 16/09/2018 16:07

Sorry I hadn't appreciated the distinction. Alcohol has never been an issue in my family which is maybe why I don't want to think it is now.

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 16/09/2018 16:11

No, its not a small deal, you cant trust him not to drink - that means you will have to be constantly the switched on parent on-call 24-7.

He gets to opt out whenever he feels like it and uses drink to do this.

Can you ever imagine yourself drinking so much that you were incapable of dealing with your childs most basic needs? Why is he being allowed to be held to different standards than yourself? Are you less important?

If this feels like too much now, just steady the ship, make plans, keep safe and try and get some independent counselling to work through what you want. Then you can tell your dh what you want, and if he wants to join you or not.

Figural · 16/09/2018 16:12

Through experience, I second SplatRat's suggestion. He will only change if he decides he needs to change, and clearly, he hasn't shown any sign of that. Sorry.

Sending hugs and sympathies.

Original poster
PerpetualDes · 16/09/2018 16:15

Crap. Crying in my kitchen. Not sure sleep deprivation is helping on that front. Thank you all for your helpful replies x

OP posts:
reetgood · 16/09/2018 16:20

I was in a relationship with a binge drinker for a few years. I’ll never forget how lonely I felt dealing with the aftermath of his binges.

You know what? It’s not normal. You can get so accustomed to dealing with this that the fact most people don’t binge drink can get lost. This isn’t usual and it isn’t ok for you, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting about it.

You have to make a decision about what you want to do. Above poster is right, he won’t change. Work on that basis when making decisions. If he is not going to change, what do you want to do? You don’t have to live this way.

I am much happier without having someone else’s problematic relationship in my life. I like not having to spend time and money watching him drink too much. I never really liked to spend my time inthat way. We split because he was an arse, but the drink was part of being an arse for sure.

PeePeeHula · 16/09/2018 16:22

I'm sorry, but you can't fix this for him. ☹️ Please look into al anon for yourself. Please take care of yourself and your child. Flowers

reetgood · 16/09/2018 16:22

Oh and yes, never experienced problematic alcohol usage in my immediate family either. It was a whole world I didn’t really want to learn about. I never went to any groups etc, but I did do a fair bit of personal development when the relationship finished to unpack exactly why it took me so long to end it.

Timeforabiscuit · 16/09/2018 16:24

You can lay out how this has affected you, you can show how much the alcohol costs in terms of money, in terms of time away, in terms of recovering from a binge.

But it will be up to him to take action and change, if he says he doesnt need it - great, see if he does anything, you dont need to nag, his actions will tell you if this is a partner worth going the distance with. If he starts being defence, you can see nothing will change and you can make a more informed choice .

At least your looking with your eyes open, thats an incredibly brave thing to do imo.

EarlyModernParent · 16/09/2018 16:26

I lived with a bingeing housemate for a while. It was very hard. And got worse. Without intervention, it always does. I am sorry to say OP that you can't count on where you are now being the worst of it.

Get advice from Al-Anon. Set boundaries, and stick to them.

snowsun · 16/09/2018 16:28

Is drinking a way of opting out of stressful situations.

Child ill- drink to obliterate feelings and stress round it.

Work is stressful - drink to stop me thinking.

Etc etc.

You need to ask him if he feels that drinking when you have a child let alone a sick child is ok.

Is it ok that he left all the responsibility of caring for the child to you.

Does he truly feel happy with this.

Does he think that if he doesn't have an issue with drink how about not touching it for a month starting now.

If he says he won't ask him why. Why does he not want to. Why can't he. Why is it important to drink if he doesn't need too.

What would he say to a friend that drank heavily with a young child.

If he refuses to talk and actually show you (not just words) that his relationship with alcohol isn't healthy then you really need to evaluate his need to drink and is this good or safe for your child to be round.

Doing housework in between doesn't make the other ok. One doesn't cancel another out.

TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 16:34

You want to fix this, but you can't and you won't.

He's already choosing alcohol over being a parent and a husband.

All you can fix is how this affects you. Please go to Al-Anon and they will support you. One of my oldest friends was married to an alcoholic and she wasted nearly 20 years of her life trying to fix her alcoholic husband before finally cottoning onto the fact that he could change but didn't want to. Her now adult children barely talk to her - they hate their father, but they equally hate her for the childhood they had living with him. Don't be that parent Sad.

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