To address my husband's binge drinking

[PerpetualDes]

DH has always been a binge drinker. I "knew what I was getting into" to quote my (ever helpful) DM. He's 37, yet several times a month will go out and get so drunk that I will find him asleep on the toilet/floor.

I thought it would change when we had DC but it hasn't. At 37 weeks pregnant with DC1, we found out the baby was breech. He decided this meant he could go out and get hammered with his mates (having promised he would be sober from 7m onwards just in case) and didn't understand why I was so upset when he eventually rolled home and fell asleep on the bedroom floor.

DC1 was poorly last night. He's now 18m but there have been lots of incidents in between. I had to phone 111 and on speaking to DH (who said he would be home hours earlier) he was smashed and about 20 miles away. He eventually got home to come to hospital with me (following a referral) but was babbling shit and I just irritating me. I then had to stay up all night with vomiting toddler as DH was incapable of assisting.

So I guess the question is: at what point is it reasonable to address this? I get that everyone needs a blow out now and again (not that I really do) but I feel like he should have grown out of this 20 years ago!

His drinking like this is totally unacceptable. I cringe to think that your children are learning that this is normal behaviour. Sadly, you have made a massive mistake in marrying an alcoholic, and don't keep lying to yourself that he isn't an alcoholic because he's not wasted every day. LTB

This would be a deal breaker for me. I second the advice to go to al-anon for specific advice. I wouldn't want any child of mine to be regularly exposed to a parent incapacitated with drink.

Hey op. My friend said she used al anon and they were really helpful.

I’m sorry this is such a shock to you. I can imagine if it’s not every night maybe you’re thinking he just needs to ‘grow up’. But I think he has a real problem. And unless he wants to deal with it you can’t fix it for him.

I helped my friend through a similar story. She thought being pregnant would end ‘the big nights out’. She rang me once in tears at 2am as she was cleaning sick off the carpet at 8 months pregnant after he’d puked in his sleep and then passed out. She had spd so being on her hands and knees meant she couldn’t walk the next day.

I used to go out with him. Just a few drinks was never enough. My friend never had a problem with him going out. But unlike everyone else he couldn’t just call it a night when ‘merry’ he had to be at the point of passing out.

It carried on for years. Because like you it wasn’t every night. Or even every week. But every single time he went out she would be on tenterhooks. Was this the night she’d have to ring round the hospitals? Will he make it home? (Or miss his train and end up getting a crazy expensive taxi). It was heart breaking to watch her so exhausted emotionally and physically.

I know my friends husband was drinking to control his stress. They talked many times about it. Alternatives etc.

I honestly don’t know what the turning point was (pissing himself wasn’t enough apparently) and having two of the most adorable children excitedly waiting to play with him at the weekend wasn’t enough either.

I strongly advise you to get help from al anon. For yourself. See if they can advise. But I’m sorry to say you can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to

Op, if agree with the others. Your husband goes out and gets wankered when he has promised to be home. He's looking at 40 for Christ sakes. He has responsibilities. Kids.

It's fine to get drunk if you say to your partner In advance. But this dude just gets shit faced and leaves you to it

And he gets proper shit faced. Passing out on the floor shit faced. Your kids are going to grow up and see that. See their dad passed out on the floor drunk.

Of course it's a big deal. Your call if you put up with it, but he's an unreliable, irresponsible, selfish drunk.

My brain is too tired to do individual replies but thanks all.

When we got together there were a lot of comments from his friends about him not being "allowed out" anymore. I think that out some degree of pressure on me to show that I wasn't stopping him seeing his friends.

His parents are also massive enablers on this front. Dinner at theirs is always prefaced with "who's driving?" as if it's a genuine question. They would fall over if he said he was. They will then do a few bottles of wine with dinner. His parents frequently taxi him home (even now, this makes me cringe) after a night out.

But all of that said, he is a good man and 99% of the time a great husband and dad. I don't think I'm making excuses for him here, I genuinely do think that. That's why I'm not in the "leave him" camp right now.

But the drinking is selfish, and I don't want my children to see their dad unconscious on the floor you're right. Thank you to everyone who has set out ways to address this now, hopefully before it's too late.

To be honest it sounds like your dh is from a family of alcoholics. Do they know what sort of state he gets into? Even with his baby needing to go to hospital?

Sorry but if they can’t see that their son prioritising booze over a&e with his own baby then there’s a massive problem.

I never say to someone they need to leave their husband. It’s not my decision. But I think you have to consider very wisely what will happen if you stay and nothing changes.

Your son will remember the fights, seeing daddy passed out on the floor, daddy being grumpy in the mornings, daddy not being around to play at the weekends.

And as someone else has said earlier. When they grow up they will ask the question why didn’t you do anything about it? Why did you allow them to grow up in this mess?

I honestly wish you well. I know this is a massive shock. Take care and get help for your self.

You said this is "several times a month"

So.... Weekly? More?

That's not being a good husband and father 99% of the time. Thats not even close!

And as someone said, what would be his reaction if you lived his actual real life? If you went out and got absolutely shit faced several times a month?

Seems to me you're trying to be "The Cool Wife". Well I doubt very much he'd be "The Cool Husband" if you went out that much and got paralytic every week and left him holding the baby all alone, not even knowing if you were in hospital somewhere.

You cannot rely on your husband

This is no marriage. This is you on your own, whether you accept that or not. He is merely a passenger and a draining one at that.

If he can't not drink then sorry but he's an alcoholic in my view. Personally if I were in your shoes he would have over-stepped a mark a while back and I would have left. May seem harsh but it doesn't get better (I have an alcoholic father). No point waiting, pleading, asking, giving time - they just sink cash into drink. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear but I feel that in my experience it's true.

A true partner who isn't drink-dependent will be there for you, not drink if you (reasonably) request it and not get blotto on a semi-regular basis.

Of course he'll get 'defensive' if you try to tackle it - drinkers do.

You have to try and tackle it. Could get worse. Won't be pretty.

If he wants to do something, there doesn't need to be a drama - see GP, get pills, attend group for a few weeks, job done.

Getting pissed is seen as normal in our society, so it's not surprising you are minimising and feeling shocked at the responses.

Listen to the wise people who have experience of living with alcoholics. They know what they are talking about.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what's acceptable in society, to his parents or his friends. You don't find it acceptable and you matter.

Just had a very emotional conversation with him - both of us quite tearful. He finished my sentence for me and wasn't defensive at all. Said that last night scared him too as he realised how useless he was and how I was basically having to look after him as well as DS which just made everything more difficult.

It's the first time we've ever discussed alcohol as a problem - generally as opposed to me being upset with him over a specific situation. On that basis, and given his reaction, I'm optimistic that he will be true to his word and sort this out now. Only time will tell if that is just naivety on my part I suppose.

Thanks again for the words of advice everyone.

I'm you op, except a few stages down the line, I've already tried, serious talks, ultimatums, he's got defensive, angry, we've had furious does, we've had couples counselling. He's still drinking. I'm still with him.

I've been to Al anon 3 times so far. After the first session I felt calmer. They don't offer advice, even though you go desperately looking for the answer, but it honestly does help to be around people who hear you. Especially when he's minimising, denying, deflecting, tricking you. And ime they won't pressure you to leave either. They get it.

I'm not at the end of the road yet with mine. But I think, like me, you need to start the journey of discovery in yourself to be able to decide, eventually, why you want to do

PM me if you want x

Op, the time is NOW for an ultimatum, and I rarely ever encourage one. But in the case of addiction it's the only way.

Unless he gets help, stops drinking COMPLETELY and forever, your marriage is over. If he gets drunk again, and you accept it AGAIN, he will never ever change.

It's good to be optimistic. But could you add a little dose of pragmatism? If you had to leave because he can't / won't fight his addiction what would your situation be? How could you improve it practically and financially?

Agree, start envisioning the practicalities of a life without him if you can. But from what I've read, ultimatums DON'T work with addicts.

OP can you bear to film him stumbling around when he gets home pissed out of his brains. Show it to him the next day and ask him if he wants his dc to see him like that. You could tell him that you will film him every time he comes home drunk and see if the shame helps him to say “no ive had enough” next time he is at the pub

OP I want to send you support and also an example of where it was possible to turn this around. I was you and my dh was drinking so much, I'd often find him passed out or he'd wake me and DS up stumbling to bed. It became more often and once a week. He'd always been a drinker but I thought he'd grow out of it, or that he'd stop when we had a baby.

There were a few hideous occasions for example where I drove myself to hospital miscarrying because he'd come home too drunk to drive (he knew I was miscarrying but still did it).

I gave him ultimatums and spoke to his family. He would be so ashamed and say he'd try to stop but he would do it again.

I'd had enough and was about to give up and leave.

But it now hasn't happened in over 8 months. Because we made a physical change which has completely overhauled our lives and he now no longer goes out and drinks. We moved house, he changed jobs to more family friendly hours and he's now more involved at home. He drinks but no more than 1-2 in a night and I can't remember the last time I saw him drunk. We are much happier.

Yes it's extreme to have moved house and moved jobs but he wasn't happy in his job and was drinking after work with friends. Removing that stopped the habit. We moved back near family so have more support and so we get on better.

I understand it might not be possible to do what we did but I wanted to let you know that it is possible for it to get better. But if there's no solution like we did then AA could be the only route for him. If he wants to change then he has to make the change himself. You can't be responsible for him. If he's genuinely unable to stop then this is what he has to do.

Big hug

@SeaToSki yes I could do that. I get the impression that in the cold light of day he's realised what he must have looked like last night. Filming it would hammer home the point though.

I used words from comments here about our children seeing daddy on the floor (they never have, but that's besides the point at this stage) and I do believe that resonated.

I've not said it as an ultimatum, as in the context of the conversation it didn't feel necessary to phrase it in that way. I'm also conscious that people were saying I can't make this change; only he can. He said that he doesn't want anything to jeopardise our family, so he knows how serious I was being.

@Enidthecat thank you. I genuinely do feel that this is fixable and I'm so pleased that it was for you.

We've both recently changed jobs and we are actually looking at houses (rightmove browsing at least!) due to the location of mine so it could happen over the next few months.

Hugs to you too x

At some stage get him to have blood tests to see if he has damaged his liver.

Too many people give up too late and suffer health issues.

To be honest with you alcoholics are adept at making seemingly genuine heartfelt promises. That is until the next time they get bladdered. Then the earnest promises start again. Many people have walked this road with friends and relatives over the course of a lifetime.

At some point you need to be prepared to walk way.

I agree with Vladimir. I hope he stops. But he has been binge drinking for years. He has never said he wanted to stop. You used to accept this. Now you have kids your stance has changed. His hasn’t.
Make a plan. If he starts to drink again then what will you do?

The question is, is this a bad habit that he can break (given the right carrot and stick) or is it an addiction that he will have to fight or live with for the rest of his life. Im hoping its a bad habit OP and that he will decide to break it. Maybe do some research on techniques to help break long standing behavioural habits and it might give you both some ideas. If it doesnt work - that might be the indication that it is an addiction.

Glad you had a chat op

I just wanted to say this can be done. My friend and her husband are proof of this. It was engrained and sustained binge drinking for years. Also not helped by working in an environment where it was customary to have Friday night drinks etc.

BUT she had had many many many tearful, heartfelt apologies and promises it wouldn’t happen again. After every night out he would say ‘I don’t know why I did it. I didn’t even enjoy it’. Then he would go out. And it would be ok. They would both relax. And then the next time he went out he would be utterly smashed.

He thought he could control it and he really can’t. This isn’t even the first time he has given up alcohol. This is his third attempt. He has been sober nearly a year. His eldest is now 8. And my friend was pregnant with her when she was scrubbing puke out of carpets. And they are both under no illusions that they’re clean and out of the woods.

I am really glad you had a chat. But please be prepared that this isn’t the end of it. I’m sure deep down he means everything he said. I’m sure he doesn’t want to ruin everything he’s got. But he’s addicted to alcohol. And addiction really fucks people up to the point where it’s the most important thing in their life. Ever.

Take care and please get lots of support for yourself