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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know what your family finances are!!

146 replies

MrsMaker88 · 16/09/2018 07:58

Me and DH have to have a serious conversation about money tonight. He’s been avoiding it for months and months but he’s not good with money and we live beyond our means. I have asked him to give me full disclosure on what debts etc he has so that we can work as a team to fix it.

I hope this is not unreasonable but I want to know what your debts or savings are if you have young kids so I can see what the norm is?!?!?! Please

OP posts:

civicxx · 16/09/2018 16:34

Sorry should also note we bought a house 2 months ago so the debt on th argos card is for new washing machine and fridge that we probably wouldn't have bought just yet if we hadn't of moved.

One child age 8 (mine from previous) partner pays towards general costs for her but I pay for her school dinners and childcare myself that's around £380

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/09/2018 16:37

Lots of debt and no savings here. All totally my fault.

Original poster

MrsMaker88 · 17/09/2018 22:09

So an update. He has debts, £10k. He’s been hiding it for years. It’s gone on rubbish. He could sell some luxury things to get a bit of the money back but he’s refusing.

He’s not the only one to blame as I’ve let him do it with my head in the sand.
I feel like a fool. I took it quite calmly and now I feel like even more of a fool.
He says he wants to work on it and will stick to a budget. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

I feel like he’s left me in a crappy situation now. It feels like he just wants me to accept it and move forward to work on it and not just have a go at him which feel like a big ask right now. He even mentioned other issues we have such as lack of intimacy (ie my fault).

I feel like an absolutely terrible mum. I barely slept and this morning I let my daughter go to school without realising she was not wearing any knickers! I even helped her get dressed! I’m so ashamed that’s it’s impacting the kids.

OP posts:

Pastaforlunch · 17/09/2018 22:25

So sorry OP, that must have been a horrible shock . It's not your fault at all, and you are not a terrible mum.

He has betrayed your trust, are you 100% sure the 10k is the total and there's nothing else hidden? Are you going to be having total control of the finances from now on?

cadburyegg · 17/09/2018 22:29

33 & 31. 2 kids, 3.5 yo and 6 month old. Joint income approx 35k. 50% equity in house. About 8k in savings, although 5k of that will be used to pay off a loan in January. £900 on an interest free credit card. No other debt. Cars are 11 & 8 years old.

winterwonderly · 17/09/2018 22:46

You're not a terrible mum! You're wanting to sort this out for your family which is great.

I found myself in about 8k of debt a number of years ago. A mixture of car repairs, a couple of holidays (nothing overly fancy) and other stuff that didn't seem such a big stretch at the time but was just a bit more than I could afford each month and it all mounted up. I buried my head in the sand completely, had no idea how much debt there actually was until I realised I had to sort it out if I ever wanted to buy a house.

Once I took control, got it all on 0% interest and started to pay it off, I felt so much better. But at the time I remember feeling so crap about it and how I'd allowed it to happen. And I was scared that I wouldn't be able to pay it back, and annoyed that such a large chunk of my earnings was going to have to be spent paying back the debt for a year or more.

So I just wanted to put it to you from his point of view. I imagine he already feels bad about it and how it's affecting the family. I know it's hard but I think he might appreciate your support and hearing that you'll help him sort it out without judgement.

TotHappy · 17/09/2018 23:14

Oh op, I absolutely hear you. My DH did something very similar. It's not gambling or anything with him, he appears to just be incapable of thinking of something he wants and THEM thinking 'ah but I can't afford it so I WON'T GET IT.'

He has frittered thousands on crap. Twice I've paid off his ccs on the understanding he'd shut them down to remove temptation and he maxed them out again instead.
He seems to be getting a bit better at admitting it's his fault and he can't be trusted to control his impulses lately. But that is after YEARS of him making me the bad guy for being 'controlling', mean, selfish, cold, and him generous and spontaneous and fun. Yes I think the anger and deflection was because he felt ashamed. Bit in angry at the idea that we have to swallow our justifiable rage because the poor little men can't handle their own feelings... It's just too hard for them to admit they were wrong and apologise, let alone make it right. They feel ashamed so we mustn't come across as judgemental. No no, that wouldn't be fair.

Can you tell this is really bringing it all back?!

Pastaforlunch · 17/09/2018 23:41

@winterwonderly

I think in this situation, only a saint could put all their feelings to one side and calmy say "don't worry dear, we'll sort this together".

OP has every right to be hurt, upset, angry or whatever she's feeling, and let him know how his actions have made her feel. You said you felt scared and annoyed about your debt when you started sorting it out, how would you feel if someone else had got you in that situation? Probably not very supportive initially! Most people would surely need a bit of cooling off time while they digested the shitty situation the partner who they had previously trusted had got them in. And then after that sit down together and work out a plan to sort it out sure, but at the moment it doesn't sound like he's remorseful about it, and has thrown the lack of intimacy thing in her face.

OliviaBenson · 18/09/2018 05:42

Hmmmmm, why won't he sell luxury goods to help pay for it? I don't like the fact that he's turning stuff around on you too. Is he blaming the debt on a lack of intimacy?! Why would you want to be intimate with someone who kept this from you and wouldn't talk to you about it?

I'd be furious op. Don't put this all on you.

Jane1727 · 18/09/2018 05:59

Income of approx £105. No savings about £40k debts. 3 kids in close succession and only SMP and a large increase in mortgage to buy a bigger house. Monthly are stretched to the limits and sometimes more with mortgage, childcare, food, petrol etc. We are not extravagant at all but have no disposable income. Gives me sleepless nights!!

winterwonderly · 18/09/2018 07:48

@Pastaforlunch I really didn't mean to come across like OP needs to be a saint, she's every right to feel upset and angry. I just wanted to add a different perspective. I wasn't in a relationship when I eventually faced up to my debt problem and I sorted it out myself, but I would hope that if I ever had to deal with anything like that again that I would have the support of my DH to sort it out together and not feel judged and unsupported at a time when I already felt ashamed and upset.

But the real issue here is that this debt has all been racked up while they were in a relationship and without her knowing. There's already been a breakdown in communication and that's now caused a lack of trust so I don't blame OP if she doesn't feel able to support her DH to sort this out. I think that's the bigger issue, the debt can be sorted (not without some pain, but it can be sorted).

MishMashMosher · 18/09/2018 07:49

Some of these posts baffle me. Some on over 100k yet have loads of debts and no savings? We are lucky enough to be on 45k and manage to save £200 a week.

Jane1727 · 18/09/2018 08:26

@MishMashMosher
Surely it depends on outgoings too. We have a good income but mortgage and childcare alone is nearly 3k a month. Then food for 5 plus petrol which is almost £50 each a week. Bills on top plus kids activities. It all adds up.

IMissGin · 18/09/2018 08:38

Agree there isn’t a norm. Maybe ask for people at your level of income?

I’m 31 with 2 kids. I’m the main earner. We have a BIG mortgage (£400k, house now worth £650k after a ton of work), bought 3 years ago. No inheritance or family help. We have financed cars, other than that just the mortgage and credit cards which we use and pay off regularly. We have c. £25k savings.

IMissGin · 18/09/2018 08:41

Sorry, just read the update. I left my previous partner because he was gambling and hiding debts. I needed financial stability for myself and DC1

adaline · 18/09/2018 08:44

We're on about 32k between us.

We have a mortgage and about £15k in savings. No debts other than that.

fanfan18 · 18/09/2018 08:45

Im in my 30's. I rent with my DP. We have been paying off debt for about 5 years (we were both bad with money and credit - biggest regret of my life!).
Aim is to be debt free in about 3-4 years, in which time I hope my credit rating will improve enough to get a mortgage.
I think we're in about £3k debt (me) £10k debt (my DP).

fanfan18 · 18/09/2018 08:45

No savings :-/

lljkk · 18/09/2018 09:35

25% of British adults have no savings.
"average" is about £4k.

I imagine the average of those who have > £100, is about £12k.

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 18/09/2018 09:59

So what's the plan to sort it? Needs to be more than him saying we'll budget a bit tighter.

DN4GeekinDerby · 18/09/2018 13:32

Stress does make it harder to think and we all make small mistakes at the best of times, let alone with a 10k shocker.

If you can get your spouse on board, I recommend the goodbudget app or other envelope budgeting apps. We use it on our phones. It was a bit of a faff to set but once that was done, it's been easy to use and means we can both see what's being spent on what and know what we can spend on certain things. Once a week I use the bank apps to check for direct debits or anything we forgot but generally we've gotten into the habit of it. It's eased my anxiety around money quite a bit and helped us make better choices.

To answer your original question, we have an overdraft (about £1.5k) brought on by having to cover old housemates years ago that we're slowly digging out of plus a bit (less than £300) on an Argos card that should be paid off by the end of the year but will likely take a hit again during the holidays.

We have some savings and ~£200 goes into that savings account a month plus savings for the kids as we want them to have a bit when they're adults as my grandfather did for me. I'm fine having a bit of debt for a while longer for that.

Our current plan is to pay for an immigration lawyer and the fees for citizenship and then focus on saving up to clear out the overdraft in one lump as doing it little by little hasn't been working as there is always something else going on in that account and I've noticed I find it easier to save up when it's out of sight.

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