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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pretty fucking unhappy about DP’s fantasies about his ex?

65 replies

LaBellaCinderella · 15/09/2018 22:14

DP has an ex that he had a “very physical relationship” with.

It was way before we got together, a year or so ago, and I don’t think it was anything more than sex.

But he talks about her, sometimes during sex that he is fantasising that it’s the three of us together etc.

I get that he might fantasise about her. That’s normal. But why tell me?!

I need to tell him I don’t like it, don’t I?

(I am utterly shit at making my needs/wishes known. I’ve had a series of abusive relationships and was really hoping I hadn’t done the same again)

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 16/09/2018 15:21

Did you go on the Freedom Programme or get any other support after the previous abusive relationships?

I did the online version - I couldnt get to any of the in person ones. I guess my other abisive relationships have presented in a different way. The majority of the time this guy is lovely towards me and can’t do enough for me. It’s just this that has thrown me.

When you say ex do you mean a fuck buddy? He's dropping a really subtle hint that he could get her round and if you're up for that...

Yes, she was probably more a fuck buddy. And I don’t doubt if he could get the two of us together, he would. We talk about threesomes as a fantasy. But with an ex of his? Erm. No.

You've only been together a year?

No, we’ve been together about 6 months. He was with her a year before we started seeing each other

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 17/09/2018 11:10

Maybe those who said he isn’t over her are right.

I’m also aware I am extremely bad at setting boundaries and telling someone what’s ok and what’s not ok.

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 17/09/2018 18:06

"To me, a year is ages ago."

Seriously? I get the feeling you jump from relationship to relationship in within weeks, because for most people, a year is nothing. Many of us go in between relationships and the space is like 2 to 3 years for some. One year is to me proof of a rebound. If you said he was fantasising about an ex of 3 or 4 or 5 years ago even I would say that is unusual.. But, 12 MONTHS? Like 12 months in between???

You were a rebound. 12 months says you were a rebound. And he still loves his very recent ex.

Onthebrink87 · 17/09/2018 18:22

No fucking way! I'd flip the bastard punch him in the back of the head and kick him in the dick. Tell him it's rough sex that gets you off!

Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 17/09/2018 18:23

I’m genuinely surprised that a year would be considered to be a rebound. Wow. Ok. I need to think about that.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:24

But he talks about her, sometimes during sex that he is fantasising that it’s the three of us together etc

The disrespect for you and your feelings is ripping out of that statement.

Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 17/09/2018 18:34

Sometimes we (both) talk about another girl, one that I met once for coffee but nothing ever happened with. Maybe he feels that if I can talk about her, he can talk about his ex. In my head it’s conpletely different, because he was actually with his ex for a period of time, whereas I might have fantasised about this other girl but we never did more than meet once for coffee. Maybe he doesn’t get the distinction. Or maybe IABU.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 18/09/2018 10:13

Did you mention this other woman before he told you about his fantasy, or the other way around?

Cuttingthegrass · 18/09/2018 10:33

Sorry OP sounds like he's trampling over your boundaries. At 6 months I would end it and move on. Can't believe he thinks it appropriate to fantasise about his ex during sex and tell you.

Haireverywhere · 18/09/2018 10:38

This isn't behaviour that could make many (any?) people feel good surely. He must know that. It's not like fantasy rp it's more reminiscing and wishing she were still in his bed!

Haireverywhere · 18/09/2018 10:39

I wouldn't stick around with this one either!

Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 18/09/2018 12:53

Did you mention this other woman before he told you about his fantasy, or the other way around?

It would have been at the same time when we were talking about past relationships

This isn't behaviour that could make many (any?) people feel good surely. He must know that. It's not like fantasy rp it's more reminiscing and wishing she were still in his bed!

Sadly, that feels very true

OP posts:
Ennirem · 18/09/2018 12:55

You're in another abusive relationship OP. Totally unacceptable disrespectful behaviour. Chuck him immediately.

Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 18/09/2018 18:12

Ugh.

My first instinct is to want to say “are you sure”? And then try to give reasons why he might behave that way, or say those things.

And then I remember that that’s exactly how I used to be with my ex, who was definitely abusive. I would try to convince myself, and everyone else, that he wasn’t. Because I didn’t want to believe it. Just like I don’t want to believe it this time either.

Fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBellaCinderella · 18/09/2018 21:07

I’m still left with “what if...?”

What if it’s a misunderstanding?

What if I tell him and he’s mortified I am upset by it?

OP posts:
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