To be pretty fucking unhappy about DP’s fantasies about his ex?

[LaBellaCinderella]

DP has an ex that he had a “very physical relationship” with.

It was way before we got together, a year or so ago, and I don’t think it was anything more than sex.

But he talks about her, sometimes during sex that he is fantasising that it’s the three of us together etc.

I get that he might fantasise about her. That’s normal. But why tell me?!

I need to tell him I don’t like it, don’t I?

(I am utterly shit at making my needs/wishes known. I’ve had a series of abusive relationships and was really hoping I hadn’t done the same again)

He doesn’t respect you to do that. I would leave.

Talking about your fantasies in bed is normal (if you both agree it something that turns you on).

Being verbal about those ones involving the ex, absolutely not. Let him know it's crossing a line.

When he first brought it up how did you not tell him to fuck off?
Sorry that was a bit harsh, but this shows a complete lack of respect. You need to tell him In no uncertain terms how you feel about this, and don’t make any apologies about it.
Good luck

Not all fantasies should be shared as that is what they are nothing more

I wouldn’t say it isn’t normal to fantasize about an ex at times it’s bad judgment to share that fantasy as it would be about a threesome with a friend of yours

You not being able to ask him not to and that he isn’t aware that it is hurtful is more the problem. He doesn’t sound good for your self esteem

LTB

That is very disrespectful of him, what on earth would make him think his partner wants to hear that during sex? Imagine if you started talking about having sex with an ex during the deed? I cannot imagine he would be pleased. He really needs to be told it is inappropriate and he needs to take steps to get over his ex before you continue with your relationship. Because it sounds like he is not over her. It is very unfair to you to continue with the relationship if he still hung up on his ex.

A year ago really isn’t “way before” you got together is it!

I agree ditch him.

I had an ex who would constantly talk about his ex (never mentioned fantasising about a threeseome but who knows what went on in his head). I mean constantly, I felt like she was in the room sometimes. They had split up more than two years prior to us getting together.

When I told him I wasn’t happy or comfortable with how much he talked about her, he told me I was insecure...... complete lack of respect!

Claw back some self respect ffs. Dump him.

THIS^

Did you go on the Freedom Programme or get any other support after the previous abusive relationships? Because I really think you need to: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It covers warning signs and what you should expect from a healthy relationship, so that you can do more than just hope you manage to avoid being abused again. It would also give you back some confidence of where your boundaries should be and, perhaps more importantly for you, the confidence to defend them.

Being respected would be one of the things to expect in a non-abusive relationship, and you're not getting that at all.

He has zero respect for you, and is a clumsy oaf. Respect yourself and find somebody who respects you too.

I agree with PPs that he clearly has zero respect for you, and you shouldn't be putting up with him. Just get rid.

Wow I would go ballistic he needs to keep his thoughts to himself!

When you say ex do you mean a fuck buddy?

He's dropping a really subtle hint that he could get her round and if you're up for that...

I'd want to know what their relationship was like before I made a judgement beyond it being really tactless

And does he defo see you as more than a fuck buddy?

No that is NOT OK!

If it were me it would only have happened once. His feet wouldn't have touched.

Well, unless you are Bi-sexual, why the fuck would you want a woman in your bed?

He's an idiot. And I strongly suspect he's still shagging her. Because otherwise, why would he think that she would be up for a threesome if you agreed? They have discussed it. Obviously.

That's appalling! LTB

And definitely say 'Oooh, I'm just imagining X's MASSIVE...'

He has no respect for you. It’s boundary pushing, and it’s offensive to you.

He can fantastize about whoever he likes but to use it like this is a red flag.

That's really sad op that you put up with such piss taking.
Tell him you're going to make his fantasy even better - and give him 2 exes to fantasise about.

My DH (before we decided to call it a day) once compared how I delivered (as he called it) during sex to his previous gf. It was insensitive and upsetting and I couldn't have given a fuck about how she behaved in bed for him. DH should only be interested in your mutual needs. He should be adoring of you and feel honoured you are allowing him to have sex with you.

That's horrible.
I would kick him out.

I wonder how would he feel if you started comparing him to your ex.

You've been together I'm guessing less than a year and he's fantasizing about his ex and telling you while you're having sex. RUN. This is not a relationship that's going to be fulfilling for you.

You've only been together a year? Plenty early enough to cut your losses and move on. He's being a fucking shit.

Well even if you tell him and he stops he’s still going to be fantasising isn’t he?

Yes, I suspect there is a lot of truth in that.

There’s no way I’d stay with someone who I knew was thinking about someone else, much less an ex

I get that people fantasise during sex. But yeah, about an ex, and then to tell me! That really doesn’t sit ok with me.

A year or so is not ‘way before ‘ you got together! That aside he is being a total dick. How fucking dare he talk like this? I’m sorry to say but I think you are in another abusive relationship

To me, a year is ages ago. Anyway. I’m not sure if it’s another abusive relationship. It’s not a great thing to do, but it’s not like the other relationships were