To think it won't ever happen to me

[originalnutella]

I’m 29 and I’ve been properly single for 3 years.

It's a running joke with all my friends that I have terrible luck with men. The whole meet a man, like them, get together just does not happen with me, ever.

My last relationship ended as my serious (living together etc) ex cheated on me with a mutual colleague. In the time since, I’ve had a six month thing with a guy who moved away and another few months with an older man who decided he ‘didn’t want a relationship’. In that time I estimate I’ve been on about 50 dates from online dating.

I took a break from dating after the older guy for the first 6 months of this year to concentrate on other things; I moved jobs, bought a house, ran a marathon and went out a lot.

Since rejoining dating sites and meeting new people I am coming up against a major problem which is that there aren’t many single men around anymore!! All men at work are in relationships, as well as all those I meet through friends. I recently went to a bbq and left with 3 numbers but later found out all three guys are in relationships and 1 is married!

I don’t seem to be able to get many dates from online dating anymore as I suspect men go for younger women now.

I can’t work out why I haven’t been able to do what every other woman my age has done, which is to get into a relationship with a normal man. The main things wrong with me are that I don’t earn loads (about 32k) and also I don’t have the huge circle of girlfriends that a lot of women have (have 3 very close friends and a lot of acquaintances through work/clubs/friends that I go out with).

So AIBU to try to accept that it’s just not going to happen for me? And how do I go about this? I really miss the feeling of getting together with someone, I do want children and as good as it is to be independent, life sometimes feels like a slog with no one to share the load.

I am sorry you have not met anyone yet right for you. It might not seem it to you but 29 is still young. Never too old to meet someone. In the meantime as trite as it may sound just continue living and enjoying your life.

Also what do your earnings have to do with it?

Unless you live in London 32k is pretty good. It's not about what you earn though is it? If it is then you've met the wrong type of people. Your friends don't sound amazing is there any single friends you could hang out with a bit more? Smug couples are not where you want to be right now. Is there anything else you want to do in life? Re train for work? Travel? Go do your own thing don't keep forcing it, the right person will still get to you.

**"The main thing wrong with you" made me twitch! You sound lovely and I don't understand why you're putting yourself down.

Are you on the right kind of websites? Not socasual.com etc.

Lots of my friends met and married in their mid 30s.

Best of luck.

I'm on the usual dating apps, Tinder and bumble, I know people say they are sex apps but I have found the opposite. Most guys I've met are genuine but just not for me. The guys I've met that I have liked, it hasn't worked out with for one reason or another.

The earnings is relevant as I am attractive and intelligent and therefore date a lot of men in good jobs and as a result always feel a little bit weird inadequate! Maybe they don't care though.

And no I'm not in London, if I was perhaps the scene would be different. Where I am (big northern city) actually most people seem to have settled by their mid twenties. I work in a huge media agency - all young professionals, many of them younger than me - besides the graduates I am literally the only single person.

I met dp when I was 34 so you aren't too old, don't write yourself off.

Personally I’d ditch online dating and try the old fashioned approach of joining hobbies where single are (bike clubs, rock climbing walls (you don’t need to be good just join in), golf, walking groups etc

Try communal fitness groups - especially ones like military fitness who often go to the pub after

You are still young - I was single at 29 and getting quite down about it. I’m now married with two beautiful children. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my 20s worrying about meeting someone

Single men

And yes don’t hang around with smug marrieds - it benefits them but not you!

I can’t work out why I haven’t been able to do what every other woman my age has done, which is to get into a relationship with a normal man

1. It's not just you and you're probably doing nothing wrong. I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse but a huge number of my friends (age 35) are in the same situation.

2. When you look around and see so many people in relationships, don't assume everything is great/perfect. Reading the huge amount of relationship issues on here alone I'd say relationship doesn't necessarily equal happiness

29 is young still. They might choose 18 and 21 because they aren't in a rush to get married.

32k is a decent salary even in london, especially in london with the lack of jobs! unless you are looking for a man who earns 60k plus then yeah i see why you might come out incompatible but even then men aren't usually picky about earnings as women as in men.

its probably the industry you are in making you feel old and down.

There must be something where you skipped the red flags or tend to choose in a pattern? or overlook the nice solid guys?

Maybe you are very picky?not everyone in a relationship is happy all the time or had a grand romantic love story.

and i would say yes accept it wont happen because love happens when you least expect it.

the common factor with all your exes is you.. you must choose them wrong. what do they all have in common or attracted to them all ?

Have you got low self esteem. Is it that your confidence is at a low ebb. Could you go to a gym and do some exercise classes to bolster your well being. Exercise has a lot going for it both physically and mentally.

You do sound nice. Loneliness is a drag. Beating yourself up doesn’t help much.

I do yoga. It helps me feel good inside. I meet other like minded people. We support each other.

Listening to music helps relax me and lift my spirits.

I do loads of exercise; running 5 x per week, gym a few times. Sometimes yoga. Wouldn't say I'm really depressed or lonely, but it's a different kind of feeling when you've been single so long - I just miss having someone there as a support I suppose. Going to events alone, not even getting a plus one anymore, having to make plans all the time so I don't get bored, etc etc. Yeah independence is great but it can be hard.

3 guys numbers from the same party? its like a collection rather than actually geting to know a guy .. doesnt sound like you know how to weed them out. how did you not know if they are single or not? did you ask and they said we are single or did you not ask at all?

Normal guys wouldn't be aggressively flirting checking you out and that bold anyway. They would know you slowly through work or volunteering or a hobby or something.

I think if you can bear it ask your friends for relation advice because they may know your choice patterns or tendancies better.

What are you looking for in a guy?

i'm guessing from your post, athletic, tall, earns 80k+, well educated, well traveled, has lots of hobbies and social life, confident, handsome........what else?

You'll meet someone! I was single for 7 years before I met my DP at 32. (More or less single. I did have one 'relationship' in that time but as he didn't like leaving the house or even kissing let alone anything else I don't really count it)
I was a single mum, overweight and only earning about 16k.
I thought I'd never meet anyone either and joined a random Harry Potter dating site. Means I met someone who knew straight up that I'm a geek and didn't care. 16 months later and I'm sat on the sofa crocheting with my feet on his lap whilst he plays something on the ps4.

I found all the regular dating sites (match, tinder etc) were full of men pretending they wanted a relationship but actually just looking for a fwb. Or men who stretched the truth about themselves.

Do you do any of your running with a running club?

Because mine has an abundance of really quite nice, genuinely single men.

I know I sound like a 1950s agony aunt saying something like that. But they were on to something. Go out ad meet people. Turn what is a potentially solitary activity (running) into a group one, via a club or Parkrun. Because meeting lots of people in RL can do more for you social life than any amount of online stuff. And I mean following your star - th things that motivate you and through which you might find friends of either sex. And perhaps meet people he fancy as a bonus.

Do you want just any man - or do you want to get to know someone and then choose to take it further. 3 numbers from the same party sounds to me pretty undiscriminating to be honest. And 50 dates? Meet people you like and get to know them - and then date. May work better for you

I'm in a running club but all the single men bar one or two are in relationships.

What am I looking for? Someone intelligent that I fancy and that I get on with. I have had a habit for unconventional types. I don't have a big list of things on paper, it's just that if you are an educated, attractive and well-rounded person I suppose by default generally I end up on dates with the same. I wouldn't say I'm too picky, I would say I so rarely meet a single man that I can't afford to be!

If you are only dating men who earn more than you you are excluding most men!

You also do an awful lot of exercise!

How much time do you have for a relationship outside of that and full time work?

What are your instant vetos?

Sorry I meant to say all the men I find attractive at the running club are in relationships! Obviously not all the single ones.

I'm not actively dating men that earn more than me either, I'm just saying that's the way my previous flings have turned out.

My instant vetos are someone that's lazy, gamers, Geordie shore/love island types and boring men.

OP you sound interesting and have so much going on for you.

is it because of turning 30? i remember dreadful depression at 29 to 30.

Hey, you've bought a house on your own, you've done a marathon, you're only 29. Sounds like you have a lot going for yourself (and you're only 29!). Good way to meet good people is to do the things you love and see who you bump into. Could you deepen a hobby or interest in some way? Maybe join a gym or running club, go see art you enjoy, go to talks, whatever floats your boat but in a more social setting? (Besides, you're only 29!!!)